A
male
age
36-40,
*n.inc
writes:Ok, first off sorry for the length. Here's the preface. I'm a 23 y/o virgin. The girl in question knows this before we start hanging out, thanks to an ex-friend I have since cut out of my life.So I tell this girl I've been hanging out with every day for the past 3 months how I feel about her after asking repeatedly since the 3rd week "do you think we can be more than friends?" She starts being really flirty and even lets me sleep in the same bed as her, but she keeps saying I don't know, maybe. I don't know, maybe. She tells me a story about a friend of ours that had a crush on her once, but could tell she wasn't interested and knew that they could just be friends. I ask kind of like us, huh? She responds no no no, I really like you I just don't know how I feel about being your first. If I didn't know we probably would've done something by now. I jokingly say I'm going to kill my friend who told her. A couple more weeks go by and she starts teasing me about being a virgin, and I keep my cool and tease her back. Then she starts being really mean about it a few times (she flipped a coin said call it in the air and goes well, no sex for you. I tease her back with you're not worthy anyway.) She also starts going "I need sex" in a whiny voice a lot. I of course, trying to keep my cool the whole time raise my hand emphatically like "I'll do it!"Finally she asks if I'm mad that she hasn't given me sex yet. I think its because she sensed I was becoming depressed being around her but not actually having her. I tell her no, I'm not mad, I'm just depressed you don't want to be with me. She responds well don't be mad. I ask her the next day when I pick her up what she meant by don't be mad. She says sex changes things between people. I say I want things to change, I really like you. I can't be just friends with you. She responds with I don't want to be your first. I try to keep my cool and tell her reasons why she should be happy to be with a virgin. We end up getting in what she thought was a fight, when really I was just being emotional, which I rarely am. (I now see how I could have come across as angry, the doctor put me on an anti-depressant that changed my personality drastically and even my family said it wasn't good). So we go on about our day but I'm really depressed and she's extremely stressed out.The next day she calls me and I really don't have the energy to be my excited normal self when I answer. After we hang up she texts me If you don't want to be friends fine. If you're just going to give me attitude I don't want to be friends with you anyway. I say I'm not giving you attitude I'm just depressed, and that I'm trying so hard to be friends with her. She tells me not to change and push her away. I tell her I just need to know where I stand in the relationship. I ask if I'm on a trial run, or if we're going to be going out soon, or if we're just friends. She responds we are seeing each other but we aren't boyfriend girlfriend yet. I tell her I'm going out of town that night and she instantly starts being clingy. Don't go, I want to be with you, tell your friends you'll go later etc. etc. But my friend who is with me that I'm telling the conversation to tells me to go so I do. The whole time I'm gone she's texting me I miss you, when are you coming back, etc.So when I come back we hang out again for a couple days and I start trying to subtly isolate her from her friend we always hang out with. She won't have it so I ask her if what she said before I left was true. She asks what I'm talking about and I say we aren't boyfriend girlfriend yet and you want to be with me. She says she doesn't remember saying those things, and I say I can show you the text message. She says I'm sorry but I just don't see you that way, I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to lose you. I tell her again I don't know if I can be just friends with her, and she says I can't do this right now and leaves. I go out of town again (this time to lick my wounds and be with some good friends). I start feeling better after a few days and I text her to say I want you in my life somehow, if its just as a friend then that's fine with me. But the day I get back I go to pick her up and when we get to the bar we always go to she starts talking to and flirting with this guy. He is all over her. I have a massive panic attack (I've never had one in my life) and have to leave. When I come back she asks if it was something she did and I told her yeah, seeing you with that guy made me freak out, I have really really strong feelings for you. She said well I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt you and I know I will, and I don't want to settle down in a relationship for a while. I tell her it hurt me just seeing her with that guy anyway. She says just stop having feelings for me, you think they're real but they aren't, we've never even done anything. She says maybe some time apart would do us good, but she calls me again the next day, asks me if I'm feeling better and we hang out again at her friends house. This goes on for like a week. Lately though, she seems as if she doesn't want me around at all, but she keeps calling me everyday when she wakes up to see what I'm doing. She'll also call me with random events that happen to her during the day. And I freak out all day long until she calls me. And if I'm depressed when I answer she senses it and asks her friend what's wrong with me. He knows but he always tells her he doesn't.My question is this, do I stop answering her phone calls and ignore her completely until I get over her, or do I casually cut back on the contact (ignoring the odd phone call/text message) hoping she'll chase me back, or do I keep her around as a friend and hope something might happen in the future (not necessarily with her)? I've read that if you stop being so accommodating and nice and be more assertive that it builds attraction in women and the way to get out of the friend zone is to subtly cut back on the contact with her for a while, and when I do hang out with her stop being so nice to her and assert what we are going to do that day (in a flirty way), but I have massive anxiety all day until I talk to her, and if we're not hanging out that day I get depressed/anxious all the rest of the day. She honestly makes my day when I see her, but I can tell I've scared her. I know she was interested at first but my shyness kept me from making a move and its been awkward since my panic attack and she doesn't want to hang out as much. So my other question is this, will I ever have a shot, or should I just stop talking to her? We met through a friend and now have a lot of the same friends. And last but not least, am I just freaking crazy for falling head over heels for a girl I've never slept with, let alone kissed? The only other girl I've had in my life I spent 3 years pining over until she agreed to date me for 2 weeks and broke up with me. We then got really drunk on new years eve and did everything but have sex. I didn't get over her until I met this girl, and that was over 2 years ago. This is seriously killing me right now, I had a breakdown yesterday and just started bawling my eyes out while playing in a hockey game and had to leave for a period. I can't get her out of my head even when I'm doing something I love. (And yes, I am getting treatment for my depression through my M.D.)
View related questions:
a break, broke up, crush, depressed, drunk, flirt, my ex, period, shy, teasing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Distance yourself mentally at least, if you can't do it physically. She's using you, sort of, as a shoulder to lean on without having to commit anything emotionally or physically. If you have feeling for her stronger than friendship, you are only going to end up hurt. You'll have to adjust your brain to the fact that she is not for you, you know. Jealousy will still happen when you see her with someone else, an urge to reach out and hold her when she's sad - that will still happen too. You'll just have to learn to suppress those feelings. Time heals, you know.
She'll get the hint eventually - or she'll realize what she may be missing. If you do have a relationship with this girl, ever, at least let it be on more equal terms. I don't see that happening, so I won't suggest you hold out for her, though.
A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (19 October 2010):
I disagree that going on the ultimate quest for personal gratification is a good way to go about relationships.
...............................
A
male
reader, BassiveMalls +, writes (19 October 2010):
 You don't need this shit in your life. For all you know your mood swings and depression are solely caused by her. This female is not a woman she is a girl, a girl that is playing with your feelings as if they were her own little barbie doll.Since you will she her socially slowly cut off contact and become disinterested in whatever she has to say. She will either get the message and leave you alone or become interested. If she is interested I would bang her and then leave her alone after that. It would make me feel better about myself while losing interest in her. It really is the oldest trick in the book for getting over a girl and it works for most guys, but if you have morals then when she says she wants to be with you turn her down and tell her something that makes her feel bad. Just do anything that will make you feel better because that is the important thing here because you don't want this witholding bitch to have a permanent effect on you. JUST DON'T GET IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. THAT COULD MESS YOU UP MORE THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE.
...............................
A
male
reader, un.inc +, writes (19 October 2010):
un.inc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVen that makes a lot of sense, she is mid 20's and unemployed, was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship for four years, dated another guy for two years who she's obviously still in love with (all he has to do is beckon her with his finger and she's gone for a booty call).
She either doesn't understand or care how much it hurts me to see her with other guys, but its not like I can say anything because we aren't together. She's been texting people non stop even when I'm right there talking to her, and when I ask who's blowing her up (I try to do it non-chalantly) she makes up something about this friend or that friend or her mom but I know its a guy. She does the same thing I do when I'm waiting for her to text me back, constantly fidgeting and checking her phone. I guess maybe pushing her away could be a good thing. Thank you guys, much love.
...............................
A
male
reader, un.inc +, writes (19 October 2010):
un.inc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVen that makes a lot of sense, she is mid 20's and unemployed, was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship for four years, dated another guy for two years who she's obviously still in love with (all he has to do is beckon her with his finger and she's gone for a booty call). She either doesn't understand or care how much it hurts me to see her with other guys, but its not like I can say anything because we aren't together. She's been texting people non stop even when I'm right there talking to her, and when I ask who's blowing her up (I try to do it non-chalantly) she makes up something about this friend or that friend or her mom but I know its a guy. She does the same thing I do when I'm waiting for her to text me back, constantly fidgeting and checking her phone. I guess maybe pushing her away could be a good thing. Thank you guys, much love.
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Ah, I see. I may have missed that part in your question, and I agree no-contact would be awkward in that kind of situation.
Don't tell her outright she blew her chance to be with you. Actions speak louder than words as the saying goes, and distancing yourself is going to send a clearer message that you're tired of her games and don't want to play any more. You can still be civil if you bump into each other, but don't show interest in her. She needs to see her behaviour has consequences.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (19 October 2010):
Oh I feel for ya buddy....
I have a friend who was into a girl acting the exact same way yours is (telling you she just wants to be friends but then clinging to you like crazy). What was happening was that, she was going through unrelated stress in her life, and needed someone to lean on. She had been hurt, so she wasn't interested in anything serious. She knew he did want something serious (as I am sure your woman knows you do), so he would shut him down constantly. She still used him to pick her up and carry her through those rough patches, which messed with his head for over a year. She didn't want a relationship, and didn't want to hurt him, but she couldn't bring herself to let him go.
What you need to do is shove what you want and need aside for a moment and consider what she needs/wants. More than likely she doesn't know what she needs, and by her behavior she definitely isn't considering your needs at all.
You are hurt, and I am sorry for your pain. But you need to be the man that looks out for her, and give her space. She is using you as an outlet, and that isn't good for her. Be her good-times friend, not the friend she needs to get through every day. In the end, you have to force yourself to get past how you feel now. Even if the two of you end up together, you don't want it now when the both of you are messes.
Just so you know, being a virgin has nothing to do with any of it. She is using as an excuse, and if you get really honest with yourself you may find that you are too.
...............................
A
male
reader, un.inc +, writes (19 October 2010):
un.inc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem is that we now have so many friends in common and hang out at the same places that I'm going to run into her a lot. I don't want things to be awkward between us when that happens, so cutting off all contact just seems extreme. Or should I just tell her the next time I see her that she blew it by playing these games with me?
...............................
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (19 October 2010):
It may be hard, but you need to move on and forget about her. She's only messing with your head and seems to keep you around only because she likes the attention. She's going to continue to play games as long as you let her, which is why you need to cut off all contact and find someone else to focus on. Let go of the hope that maybe someday it'll work out and you'll start dating, because unfortunately, if she really wanted to date you she wouldn't keep stringing you along like this.
...............................
|
