A
male
age
30-35,
*dpwings
writes:Hello All,I have been dating the same girl for over three years now. We have been sexually active for over two. In those two years she has never been able to have an orgasm with me. We have tried everything-- we have had vaginal intercourse for an hour, lengthy oral sex, masturbation, vibrator, anal... I understand that some young women just have extreme difficulty achieving an orgasm, but what makes me feel terrible is that she is able to, and does, have orgasms when she pleasures herself when she is not with me. For the first year that we were sexually active I pleasured her via masturbation quite often, and thought that she had orgasms and she told me she did, but about six months later she told me that the only times she has had real orgasms are when she masturbates. Obviously, this makes me feel absolutely terrible about myself. I feel sick to my stomach when I find out that she does this. I am sure that it is mainly my insecurity, but I feel that I have a right to be a little bothered by this fact. I would not feel so bad about it if I did not make such an effort to put her pleasure first, but I have really tried everything. I have given her hour long massages before working down to her vagina, bought her a vibrator to use during sex, etc. There are times when I do not even want to be sexually active with her in any capacity because I know it will just result in me getting upset with myself. I love her and I wholeheartedly believe that she loves me too, but I know that my concerns are not healthy for our relationship. Do you think that I have anything to worry about, is this normal? What can I do to let it bother me less? Any suggestion would help, because I can't stand constantly wondering what she is doing when she is alone and knowing that she is able to get off to herself but not to her long term boyfriend. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): I have found my soulmate,best lover I've ever had. I have had my first orgasm with him (masterbate with no problem for as long as can remember but never wth anyone even in the same room with me) ewhen I did finally have one with him he was inside me and was so intense and different than is ever felt I sobbed uncontrollably.,I haven't been able to since I have been telling him I have just that one was different anyway I just told him I'd been lieing and he's devastated but willing to work through. I think I'm afraid il respond too intensely like I did that once. I ts all in my head I know its just very upsetting now that I know what I'm missing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2013): Hello there, I am a 30 year old woman who sleeps predominately with women. I am able to orgasm easily and fully by myself, but have difficulty with a partner. I think it has something to so with knowing that they want me to come that makes it harder. When I am by myself, there is no pressure if I orgasm or not, so I'm not thinking about it, just enjoying the sensations. When I'm with someone, I know they are waiting for me or wanting me to come, and that makes me think "how far off am I? Am I going to come?" I find that I often feel that I am very close with a partner, but then just can't 'get over the edge'. It's frustrating. I think one problem for me is that when I masturbate, intend to stimulate myself slowly but partners will be a bit more rushed and I kind of 'lose it'.
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reader, yeknom_nam  +, writes (11 April 2013):
Midori you have agreed with the ONE , overriding point that I wanted to get across: that, if the roles were reversed, the woman would have every bit as much trouble coping with it as the man ! MM
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female
reader, igotchiiills +, writes (4 December 2012):
This sounds eerily familiar to me. I seem to be the female counterpart to this question. I have been with the same guy for 3 years also and have been sexually active for the entire time with him. I have been having a hard time with having an orgasm with him, yet on my own, it's no problem. At first, I faked it because he was my first partner and that's what I thought he (or any guy) would want. I told him later on and he got very upset with me.
We got past my mistake and tried new things and within the last year I have managed to get an orgasm with him through clitoral stimulation during intercourse. However, it still takes me much longer than if I am alone.
I think the answer to your question could be as simple as she's just not open enough or comfortable enough to let you see her like that. I know it sounds weird since you've been with her so long, but orgasms are so intimate, and I know for me, I'm not shy at all when it comes to being naked around him or anything like that, but I constantly wonder if I'm doing things right, or if by something I do, he won't orgasm. It's definitely a mind game, especially if you love each other because you care about pleasuring the other person. It probably has absolutely nothing to do with your sexual capabilities or anything that you should feel bad about.
What I am doing currently is trying to refrain from masturbating all together. I have a theory that if I don't touch myself and get an orgasm than I'll be more excited when he is involved. Have her try that. Or I'm assuming you already have, but try new positions; let her make all the decisions. Let her move your hands to where she needs them. Just make sure that you're not adding anymore pressure to her. She's probably already feeling bad that she's having a hard time.
Good luck,
K
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reader, yeknom_nam +, writes (25 October 2012):
Well, since all the responses you have had so far have been from women, I think it only fair to redress the balance.
npdwings, I feel for you. You also have my sympathy concerning some of the (tremendously insulting and unhelpful) replies that have been posted - replies which display such modern, media-fuelled and insensitive traits and are altogether lacking in understanding.
They are so quick to judge, aren't they ? It sounds to me as if you are the type of lover that most women dream of (which is all the more impressive given your age). When I give my opinion on a problem of this nature (ar any problem for that matter where there are two sides), I always start by REVERSING THE ROLES. This is, I believe, the very best way of living one's life as it makes one more compassionate and empathetic in both what one says and what one does - i.e. "How would he/she like it if ..." This instance lends itself perfectly to this way of thinking.
Imagine - just imagine - if the situation were the other way around. (Forget about the unlikelihood of such an occurrence - bear with me.) I wonder how the females who gave such pointless and damning views would consider their reactions then. Women these days are so quick to judge. They are often callous and cruel. Equality ? The pendulum has swung far too far in the other direction and shows no sign of returning any time soon. I feel for the young males of today.
Imagine a couple (the traditional male/female one, I hasten to add). They are very much in love and everything seems to be going swimmingly ... except for one thing. When they make love it is wonderful BUT the male simply cannot climax ! He says he enjoys everything about their lovemaking but, for some reason, just can't ejaculate. (The woman is thus unaffected, by the way.) However, it has come to light (as a result of inevitable questioning by his mate) that he can orgasm without any trouble whatsoever by his own hand ! How do you think the woman would feel about this ?
CAN YOU IMAGINE the hurt ? The torment ? Do you think that she would be philosophical and NOT CARE ? Do you think asking her not to be so selfish and to stop focussing on her own expectation of how sex should be is helpful ?! I can't imagine any woman who would be prepared to accept such a situation with equanimity - so why the hell should npdwings ?
"Because women are different," I hear you cry. Oh yes ? Really ? Not only does that fly in the face of all the crap that we are constantly drip-fed by the media, but scientific studies have shown that women are PHYSIOLOGICALLY THE SAME when it comes to the ability to orgasm in respect of the amount of time it takes to get there ! All things being equal, when women and men masturbate they reach climax in roughly the same amount of time ! Does that surprise you ? It shouldn't. So why is it often so different when a man is involved ? Is is the man's fault ? Very rarely. How I wish I had the answer. I haven't.
When my wife and I were first together she would climax easily: manually, orally, even solely through penetrative sex without any manual touching of her clitoris (only by the rubbing that is a concomitant part of intercourse). Over the years this sexual responsiveness has reduced considerably to the extent the she requires mechanical stimulation during sex. And even then that doesn't always work ! The other day I was inside her while lying on my side. I did NOT demand her attention and I did NOT thrust hard (or at all, in fact) as she has told me that this is distracting to her climaxes (something else I have simply had to accept as "normal") so I let her move on me while holding her vibrator and wait for her to "get there" (which is what she says she prefers as any more input from me is, apparently, off-putting !). But for some reason she just couldn't orgasm. She got close but no cigar. (This happens often, by the way.) We stopped and lay there for a couple of minutes not saying anything (as there is nothing more that can be said). Then I decided to go downstairs to make some tea. When I came back up THREE MINUTES LATER, lo and behold (as I was expecting), she had managed to masturbate and climax with no further difficulties. I cannot complain, of course. It never does any good. But I'm hurting. She tells me it is NOT my fault (and I am sure she is being truthful here) but she cannot tell me what the problem IS !
I am sure that you do not, as some are suggesting, put any undue pressure on your partner to climax. Of course she FEELS under pressure ! She KNOWS it is not right ! The chances are that HER OWN MIND is the greater source of pressure. It is POINTLESS AND UNHELPFUL to suggest that you should relax and stop worrying about it as if that would magically relieve the tension and allow her orgasms to flow freely ! Nonsense. And, as I have tried to illustrate above, it is certain that such advice would not be given if the roles were reversed !
So can I tell you how to solve the issue, npdwings ? Alas, I cannot. (If I could I wouldn't be having such trouble myself !) But I CAN help you to accept that it is CERTAINLY NOT anything you are doing or failing to do and I hope that the above is in some way useful. You are definitely not alone, my friend, and I don't know how things will be in the future with women all over the world. Don't give up hope. Keep smiling as best you can. And, above all, don't stop loving. All the very best to you ... MM
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): I think you are ruining sex with your gt by making it all about saving your ego. If she enjoys it despite not having an orgasm then who you to insist that its not enough? You're basically saying it's not enough for YOU. So you are taking what should be a loving sharing bonding moment and making it about your self worth. This may just make her feel under pressure and anxious and even less likely to be able to relax enough to enjoy it let alone climax. Stop focusing on what you feel she needs to feel, and just let her be herself and enjoy that.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (22 March 2012):
 "but I feel that I have a right to be a little bothered by this fact"
Ah, so your not really interested about her getting pleasure, your just doing this as something to help your own ego. The thing about orgasms and women, they can have difficulties for a lot of reasons. Men who keep pushing for them to climax only make them more nervous. It's hard to relax and enjoy sex when you feel like somebody is trying to fix you. The fact that she can't even orgasm during masturbation with you, makes me think she's very much aware that sex (for you) is a competitive thing. As long as the lady is enjoying herself, her orgasm or lack of one is not really anything to do with you. Sex for a woman is about more than orgasms. If she knows that all your doing is trying to make her come, and then getting yourself upset and feeling a failure, she'll never come that way. There's too much stress in your bedroom.
That's the thing about solo masturbation. When she's alone, nobody is pushing her, nobody is asking anything of her, she can enjoy herself, come or not come, she can get her own release (or none) in anyway that suits her best. That's why she can come alone, but not with you.
Back off, make sex be more about having fun and less about having a certain outcome. It's the journey that's the important thing, not the quick 2 seconds when you get there.
PS: Pick up a copy of the Karma Sutra (available online) it's an ancient sex manual, that puts sex in proper perspective. Eg.. It spends a long time talking about arranging flowers. It also explains the differences about women. Not all women are the same, some come easily, some women can't come at all. Some men are relaxed, and some men are pushy or nervous.
The fact that she doesn't come doesn't mean your a bad lover. But getting upset and putting yourself and her under pressure, yep, that's what bad lovers do. Relax and have fun. Currently, you get an orgasm, she gets an orgasm and some nice massages, stop forcing things, she'll have more fun if you relax and stop worrying. For some women, just to be connected to your boyfriend and held is all they really need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): I am in my mid fourties and I have had partners that were amazing at sex....I can probably count on one hand in all these years how many times I've ever had an orgasm through intercourse...primarily oral and masturbation are the only things that do it for me, and if my head is not in it, which often happens to women (not because they aren't aroused or not interested, they are thinking about stuff they have to do, things to get done...it's hard for us to turn it off sometimes).
I would not take it personally unless she is getting frustrated with it all... Is SHE bothered by this at all? Have you talked to her about it? Have her explain how or what she does solo and maybe it will help....
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reader, person12345 +, writes (22 March 2012):
 Some women just REALLY struggle to achieve orgasm. If she can bring herself to orgasm, there isn't anything abnormal or wrong about her essentially masturbating while you have sex (while she's on top or some position, she uses her own hands). If she does that, is she able to orgasm that way? Some good positions for that are her on top, spooning, doggie, and one where you lie down on your sides facing each other, and she wraps her legs around your waist. It's basically her sitting in your lap, except lying down. Really anything where she can comfortably fit her hand down there is good for trying this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Don't feel too bad... I wouldn't go as far as to say this is a "common" problem, but you are definitely not alone. My boyfriend has the same complaint, as it is extremely difficult to make me have an orgasm. He has mentioned a few times that he feels inadequate because of this. My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for about 7 months, and I have only orgasmed once. In my lifetime (about 15 years of having sex), I can count on two hands how many times I have actually orgasmed. It has NOTHING to do with you. I enjoy sex very, very much with my boyfriend (I get aroused, very wet, and it feels great), but I just can't go all the way, even with oral sex, which is when most women are able to reach climax. From all that I've read on the subject, a fairly small percentage of women have an orgasm from actual intercourse (I fit into this small percentage...I have never orgasmed from oral sex).
I am also in the same boat as your girlfriend because I can make myself climax through masturbation. Possibly this is because I'm able to do precisely what will make me orgasm, I'm not focused on making sure my partner is pleased, etc. I'm able to focus solely on myself.
Also, (this is weird), but when I'm masturbating, I can only have an orgasm if I'm holding my breath. If I masturbate without holding my breath, it feels just "ok". But when I hold my breath, I am able to climax very quickly, and the orgasm is very intense. I have NO idea why this is- I've researched it online and can't find anything to explain this. Maybe your girlfriend has the same issue? Maybe ask her if she holds her breath when she masturbates... This could be my reason for not being able to have an orgasm with my boyfriend because I would feel pretty silly holding my breath in front of him! :)
One thing that worked for me to achieve a G-Spot orgasm (when I can gush a large amount of fluid) is a dildo with a curved tip... apparently the curve hits the G-Spot. Maybe try that on her, versus just a plain vibrator.
So, long story short- the problem is not you. Like me, your girlfriend could have a variety of reasons why she doesn't orgasm, but that certainly does NOT mean that she doesn't enjoy having sex with you.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2012):
 Sounds normal to me. I am 52 years old and have had more partners than I can count… I have only ever had ONE who could bring me to orgasm and that was through oral. I have been able to masturbate to orgasm since I was a young child so it’s never been my inability to orgasm just the fact that most partners (men or women) cannot touch me the way I like to be touched. And intercourse (anal or vaginal) will never do it for me or for most women….
I have what I call “baby” orgasm with my partner… it’s satisfying enough but it’s not the over the top experience I get on my own.
It is your insecurity. It’s not a reflection of how much you love her or she loves you. It does not define you as a man… I often think men want a badge that says “I made the bitch cum” to wear if they can bring a woman to orgasm. I HATE that so many men define a good sexual experience by whether or not everyone has a perfect orgasm due to the OTHER person. Please I know that my fiancé will have an orgasm from his penis being stimulated whether it’s his hand, my vagina or my mouth…. Some of them are better than others… sometimes he has dry orgasms… and yes when those happen I worry that he’s not as satisfied as he could be, but he’s warm and happy and content and falls asleep just the same as when he has an explosive one.
I think you are very normal both in your worry which must stop and your gf only being able to have a full orgasm on her own… VERY NORMAL…..
Btw I left the man who could make me cum for the man that can’t. there is way more to life than having a partner that can make you orgasm.
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reader, Sinful_thinker89 +, writes (22 March 2012):
 Try some new positions. My fiancée has never gave me an orgasm and we discussed it, started trying new positions and getting closer, I know when I have an orgasm when masturbating is great, but sex is even better trying to get to the orgasm. I've got it when I touched myself during sex. As a man it does hurt your ego but you can't let it get you down.
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