A
male
age
36-40,
*ospelLuke
writes:My fiancé called off our wedding a couple of weeks ago (at the time it was about 1.5 months till the wedding). She said that she just had a gnawing feeling that would not go away, she was nervous to get married and not sure if she was ready. However, she loves me deeply and says I'm the best person she knows. She says she desperately wants me to be the "one" and has prayed for months that her nervous feelings would go away.Even though she called off the wedding she wants to stay together with me and try to work on things. She has called me crying several times and posted messages on facebook telling me how devastated she is. There has never been any serious problems in our marriage at all - no infidelity or major fights or anything like that. I don't know if I should give our relationship another chance. On the one hand, I believe her when she says that she loves me. On the other hand, the fact that she would cancel our wedding does not bode well for our relationship in my opinion. I really want to get married and raise a family, and I don't want to be strung along forever with somebody who is not ready to commit. Obviously I'm also extremely hurt, embarrassed, and confused about everything that has happened in the last few weeks.Right now my "head" is telling me that I should move on and find somebody else. But I really have no clue what to do.Thanks so much for your consideration.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (18 April 2012):
 First off, how long have you been together and how old is she? This is an important factor in answering your question.
"She says she desperately wants me to be the "one" and has prayed for months that her nervous feelings would go away."
So she WANTS you to be the one, but wanting someone to fulfill that role doesn't mean that you ARE the one one for her.
"Even though she called off the wedding she wants to stay together with me and try to work on things. "
What exactly do you two need to work on? What needs to be fixed? This is the most important piece to the puzzle. If this thing gets fixed, does she want to proceed with the wedding then, or not?
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 April 2012):
This is where you walk away. Whether she wan't ready, or whether he mind has changed or whatever, the relationship has probably been damaged badly enough that you won't get it on track.
What I don't like here is that she called off the wedding, and still wants you hanging around. Whilst I do appreciate her honesty in calling off the wedding (and so should you, even though it's crap for you), you must also see that her reaction since then isn't one of love, but merely one of confusion.
And perhaps in the end that's what this is all really about. Maybe she is utterly confused. Ultimately though, perhaps it's best for you to move on to someone who does know what they want. You can wait a long time for someone who is confused to make their mind up, and it's usually a disaster when it happens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): ". . . the fact that she would cancel our wedding does not bode well for our relationship in my opinion. I really want to get married and raise a family, and I don't want to be strung along forever with somebody who is not ready to commit."
I suspect she may be concerned your stated desire to "get married and raise a family" does not necessarily translate into "I really want to marry HER;" if so, from the tone of your post I'd say her concern is legit.
I'm guessing your anxiousness and impatience to "raise a family" might stem in part from your own lack of a stable family life while growing up. Might be a good idea to seek counselling to examine your own motivations for wanting marriage and family so young.
Don't be angry at her, appreciate her honesty. If she wasn't sure she was ready to get married, then she wasn't ready. Much better to feel "extremely hurt, embarrassed, and confused" about a called-off wedding than a
disastrous short-lived marriage for all the wrong reasons.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (17 April 2012):
 Sounds like the 'Runaway Bride' syndrome to me! I know a lot of people like that...people who have been engaged to one another for ages, live with each other but develop cold feet while contemplating marriage though they are married for all practical purposes.
Give her more time to overcome her fear of marriage. It is a very big thing and maybe she's developing serious anxiety problems whenever she thinks of getting married. It doesn't mean she loves you any less. It's just an anxiety thing that is more common that you'd imagine!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (17 April 2012):
Hi there. From what you have said here, you haven't just met recently, have you?
You have said she prayed for months that you were the one for her, and that her nervous feelings would go away.
So she must want to settle down with you eventually, otherwise she wouldn't have said that.
Perhaps you proposed to her a little too early in the relationship.
Are you her first boyfriend?
Even if you are not, it might simply be that she is not quite ready to settle down for a couple of years yet.
Maybe she is thinking along the lines that she would like to do some more things with her life, before settling down to marriage, children and a mortgage.
She might be feeling there are some life adventures she ought to do before all those things happen.
Things like travel.
Very often once people get married, many dreams go by the wayside - never to see the light of day again.
And especially, once the children come along.
There are many sacrifices to be made.
And as you are both still young - early 20's - there are so many things you can both still do, before all the more serious things in life happen.
Marriage is a big commitment.
There may be some things you would like to do with your life also, and once you got married, you may never get to do them at all.
If you and her both have some dreams or things you would like to do before you die - a bucket list - and then you got married, those dreams with the passage of time, often get completely forgotten.
And if and when you do remember them once again, you might both find that you are in your 50's or 60's and you might then feel it's too late to bother.
So that is something to keep in mind also.
It might be a really good idea now, to sit down together and have a long heart to heart chat about all that you want from your lives - apart from marriage and children - and see if you can reach some kind of decision between you.
Even if it means that you keep seeing each other and going out, but just leave marriage right off the agenda at the moment.
And see how she feels about that idea.
If you can't reach a mutual agreement, well then it might come down to having a break and going your separate ways for a while, to do your own thing and follow your dreams.
And just see how things pan out over time.
It definitely seems, that the right time for marriage has not yet come.
You both need to live more of life before you settle down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Wait, did she break up with you and call off the wedding, or just call off the wedding? If you are going to dumb the whole relationship because she had the guts to say she was not ready yet, YOU are not ready for marriage either.
You both are very young, there is no reason to do it until you are both 100% ready for it...you can remain engaged, remain committed, continue working on the relationship and talking about the goals you both have, etc and if it's meant to be, it will happen...
You both need to talk and to talk a lot...keep the lines of communication open and work this out...either way it goes, but don't get hung up on making a decision based on her calling off the wedding.
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