A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am a single male in NYC.I know this woman who is very pretty and married. Let's call her S. I guess you can say we are friendly acquaintances. She has done things which have offended me in the past, like planning to meet up and then canceling at the last minute. Last week she sent me an email asking, "Can you design something for me?" I am not a professional designer but I am, if I may say so, a talented amateur. I said yes, and she described the project: she wanted a card that showed her real estate properties which she sold and which are still available. I said I would do it. I then bumped into a mutual acquaintance of S. and mine at a pizza place after work. Let's call him J. We got to talking and he mentioned that S. asked him to design a card for her work. "You're kidding," I said. He asked me why I said that. "Because she asked me also!" He laughed. "Whatever," J. said. "It will take me like 30 minutes tops to do. I think I'm still ok with that."I was mad so I confronted S. over text. "So you would have made us both do the work and then picked the best one, like a contest? And the loser would have done the work for nothing!"All she replied was, "I just asked you and J. He may be faster but no necessarily better." I didn't know what she was talking about. "So, how did you find out??" "Because," I typed, "I knew you were a spoiled, dishonest idiot."Was I overreacting? Would you be offended by what she did?Thanks for your advice.
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male
reader, Arnie27 +, writes (16 May 2015):
WHenCowsAttack--
nah, that wouldn't bother me as much.
Don't assume you know me.
If I submit something to a contest I know it's a contest.
So if I am rejected it's ok.
But if you pretend it's not a contest and you'll work with me until we get it right, when really you are not committed its a whole different ball game.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 May 2015):
What if she asked just you to do it, then didn't like your work and asked the other guy after the fact? I suspect you would be just as upset.
You sound more entitled than she dos.
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A
male
reader, Arnie27 +, writes (15 May 2015):
Hi, I am the OP.
I appreciate the answers but I am baffled by some of the replies.
specifically @CindyCares: Let me explain it this way. When I accepted the project, I did it because I thought she needed help and I thought she asked me because she liked my work. It takes time to do this kind of thing. There is also editing, a give and take, etc. The implication was that I would work with her to get it how she wanted. Then I found out it was a CONTEST!
I could have put in all that work and she might have never used it because she liked someone else's better!
she led me into it believing one thing while her intentions were different.
Maybe I overreacted by calling her names, but I do not understand how that could not be offensive to you. It's like you ask someone to bake a cake for a party. You spend time on it, thinking that it will be used at the party. You bring it over to the person's house beforehand. And, at the party, she never even serves it, but serves someone else's cake! You ask why and the reply is, "Well, I liked this one better."
@Honeypie: What you say would be true if it were a business. But it wasn't. She asked as a personal favor.
And I am dropping her.
@Anonymous: Good point. I lowered myself, true.
@Garbo: I dont et you at all. Why should I stick to my word when she changed all the terms of the transaction?
@Intrigued: I agree. But probably the name calling wasn't good.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 If I were in your shoes, yes I would be offended by what she did. She uses people. I think this is what you picked up on and you reacted angrily. I don't think she sounds like a very good friend.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (15 May 2015):
 Yes, you overreacted. Even if she asked 20 people to do the same task what difference does it make to you when you vowed yourself to it. Let your yes be yes, and don't back on your word irrespective of what you think she maybe doing. If she is your acquaintance and you vouched to do something for her then just do it. If you smell any foul play in this whole thing (which maybe some) then deal with it after you have completed your part.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2015):
 I admit maybe I did not quite get what exactly happened- but , as I understood it, not only I do not see what this lady did so wrong to be called names,.... I just don't see what she did wrong .
I take it this was not paid work, right ? ( otherwise we'd have no conflict, obviously she cam hire 50 designers if she wants ).
So, it was a favour. She asked you a favour , and you were happy to comply. No strings attached . No stipulations. If you thought it was too big a favour, or too time consuming, etc.- you could have said , sorry I can't. She just ASKED, how you chose to answer it was your free choice.
Then she also has another friend, to whom she asked another favour. he did the same ,he freely and willingly said yes. He too will have considered if he minded donating his time and talent for free and, like you, decided no, he did not mind.
Two favours , two friends both happy to oblige. It's not idiot or dishonest having many helpful friends- it's just lucky ! :)
Yes, it was the same favour from both friends. So ? I don't think this concerns you. Once you freely agreed to donate your time and talent, the use she decides to do with it is not your problem. Maybe she would have used your drawing. Maybe she would have hated it and she would have discarded in the paper bin.
You volunteered your help- what she decides to do with the product of this help, it's her business ( unless differently agreed from the start ).
Ditto for J. She had no obligation to USE J's drawing either .
I don't think it is so heinous if, say, I have TWO fashion designer friends and I ask both to sketch an outfit for me. I then can have the one made which I like better . Why not ? If they do not want to draw for me, they just need to tell me, without compliments.
It would be different only if one of these amateur fashion designer , or both, was in fact an aspiring professional fashion designer, expecting to drum up business and / or advertise her talent by having me wear her creation.
In this case, and knowing her expectations, it would be underhanded of me just letting her work without then letting her have the advantages she envisions.
But if she draws for fun, to kill time, to make me happy because I am her good friend,... where's the harm ?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (15 May 2015):
 OP there is a way of conducting yourself with dignity. Calling people names is not the way to do it. If anything, its takes the focus away from the other person's negatives and puts YOU in a bad light.
If you didn't like what she was doing and you just stumbled upon it by accident (which you did, when J told you), you should have just sent her a text or a mail saying that you are not free to do the work which she wants you to do. No reason to be mean or petty about it. Yes, she's using both of you but then you ARE willing to get used! You are just acquaintances so why would you think that there is just you in the picture? There might and will be other acquaintances like you whom she uses to get her work done and because she's pretty, she knows that guys will readily work for her.
You're getting offended now because you thought you were in some way special to her but as it turns out, she's an opportunist and you're just another person for her, who she can turn to when she needs something.
What do you do if you don't like the situation? You walk away with a quiet dignity and make it clear that you're not available in the future. Calling her names and accusing her just makes you look petty and it also makes you look like you're interested in her. Like a scorned lover.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 May 2015):
 Well, spoiled dishonest idiot MIGHT have been over the top, if you ask me. No let me correct that.... I think you threw a tantrum a 3 year old would have been jealous off.
She didn't TELL you that YOU were the only one she had asked, you didn't ASK if anyone else were designing something for her. She had the RIGHT to ask 10 people IF she so desired.
I think your IRE is more that she HURT your ego, by not just ASSUMING you would do the best job.
She KNOWS that because she is friendly and pretty, DUDES will fall over their dicks (pardon my English) to "help" her out. She asked two guys because she wanted to make sure that SOMEONE (anyone) designed something she can use. Which again, if she was PAYING for it, I can't fault her. The design CAN HELP her make money, so it HAS to be good. NYC, I BET YOU, is a very competitive market. And being pretty is DEFINITELY and advantage she took FULL use of. Can't fault her for that either.
Personally, I'd drop this lady like a hot potato. She seems like she uses people. Unless of course you were getting paid for the design, if not.. I'd call her a user. As you two REALLY aren't what I'd call friends.
As for your question, would I be offended? No. A business is a business. BUT, unlike you.... I would have CHARGED her for my AWESOME designs. whether she used them or not. .
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