A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is not really a question as it is a suggestion for this site that I would like to share. I've been visiting this site on and off periodically for several years. And because my visits here are intermittent and sporadic, I never made my own profile. I just post anonymously here and there, mostly during periods when I have time on my hands and am doing some soul searching myself via the internet. I first came across this site when I googled a relationship circumstance of my own and found a thread that led me here. As I scrolled through other people's posts and their own problems, it often hit a chord within me and I felt compelled to offer my own thoughts and advice on the topics at hand. When certain topics were involved, I felt I was in a good position to offer sound advice to someone who needs it. It was kind of therapeutic for me too because in offering someone in need some sort of enlightenment, I too became enlightened and more aware. I also used to enjoy reading a lot of the aunts columns and their advice, often very loving, full of warmth and wisdom. I used to really like this site.Due to work, travel and a busy lifestyle, I hadn't visited this site for a few years. And now I have reached this sort of plateau in my life, the kind that brought me here in the first place, and here I am again making use of the advice column as well as offering my own advice. I have noticed some changes in the site that I don't remember from before and that have been off putting. For instance, several times recently I have taken the time to leave someone what I think is well though out advice, and it never gets posted. What is the point of having this site if you are going to limit the advice someone gets by not posting and sharing all the replies they actually have received? Not only that but if someone is taking the time to share their advice and try to help someone, it is discourteous to not post their thread. If this is the case, then what is the point of having this site? If an anonymous person takes the time to share thoughtful incite with a person asking advice and you won't post my thread, I no longer see a point in using this site. Which brings me to another point. When I first checked out this site I really liked it because it offered the opportunity to get varied and a colorful array of opinions from a lot of different sources. A lot of the aunts were often very sensitive, tender and encouraging. It was refreshing. Nowadays it seems like most of the advice comes from a handful of the same aunts over and over. And not all, but many of them, their advice often is judgmental and critical. And often come off abrasive and insensitive. And when other aunts like myself try offer advice, my thoughts sometimes do not even get posted. And I see a lot of people start their post with "please, please don't judge me." Because they already know what is likely to be said. And it is such a shame as it really shouldn't be that way. This site is called 'dearcupid' not 'fearcupid.' And this site did not used to be that way. This is about offering non judgmental, helpful, healing wisdom to a person in need. Or the aunts will say something rude like "jeez, look how old you are, you should know better." That's just no way to talk to people pouring their hearts out about sensitive stuff. I am just disappointed that all of this goes on. I really like this site...or maybe I liked it a few years ago. I don't know. But the things I mentioned above are kind of taking away from all the reasons I initially liked this site and always came back to check it out. And I am not sure how I feel about where it is going at this point. Just wanted to bring this up because like I said this used to be a site I really liked. And I find it a shame...And maybe by bringing it to your attention, things will change in a more positive direction. I hope?
View related questions:
period, the internet Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 April 2015):
 I thought it might be useful to add the Guidelines to this article and dissect each guideline, line by line. Thus I will put my comments in (brackets) at the end of each guideline
DearCupid posting guidelines
DearCupid aims to provide a safe community for people to seek insight and resolution to their life problems. Please feel free to contribute your comments if you have something helpful to offer. These rules are to help keep DearCupid an emotionally safe place for everyone.
The below are guidelines of what DearCupid will NOT accept, before you submit a posting, be it a question or an answer. By using DearCupid, you must agree to all of the following guidelines.
1) No submissions are accepted that contain harsh character judgements, victim-blaming and other unecessary, unhelpful comments that may cause emotional distress/harm to others.
(there are the essentials - harsh judgements - if you need to say that what you are about to say may sound harsh then consider if you can put it to the OP with more compassion, empathy and consideration - especially to a first time poster. Similarly victim blaming - hardly a way to help a person feel any better. If an OP advises that advice did distress them very much then the option is there for the post to be removed if it fails to adhere to this guideline)
2) No submissions are accepted that encourage or incite illegal activities and/or encourages violence upon others.
(encourage or incite are the words. People can suffer all manner of things - some criminal, which is sad. If the person has had a crime committed against them and the matter has not yet been prosecuted then it is still crime. Thus they need to report the crime to the Police and let the Justice system deal with it. The dearcupid site can only refer the victim to the Police.
But advocating something that is illegal as OK or encouraging a person to be violent against another person - those things are unacceptable. And if a matter is before the courts and not yet resolved in the courts then it cannot be discussed. But if the Courts have already ruled and given a judgement and the criminal sentenced and all appeals completed then the crime has been prosecuted. Thus an OP can mention that a spouse is in jail or just got out of jail as the crime has been prosecuted and is no longer before the courts awaiting judgement)
3) No submissions are accepted that contain excessive profanity, and/or inappropriate, overly explicit/pornographic comments.
(Excessive profanity and overly explicit /pornographic comments - it says such things are unacceptable. there are so many potential words to use. And readers will really understand and get the picture if you need to explain that a particular spouse "lies and cheats and has a gambling problem that is out of control." This tells the story perfectly. Thus a more colourful description is not required.
If you need to say "and my ....... cheating ...... ...... of a husband is a ........ and a ......... ......" then do not be surprised if the line is deleted or if the whole post is deleted)
4) No submissions are accepted that use text chat eg:. "hello m8 chattin watz up" or “y r u so upset? Dont b dat way!” Please try your utmost to make your submission as clear as you can.
(Surprise surprise. Text speak is hard to decipher and makes it difficult to follow. Write in full or write with an absolute minimum of text speak)
5) No submissions are accepted that use "CAPS" or "Answers With The First Letter Of Each Word Capitalized"
(THIS ONE IS CLEAR - all caps posts will be removed)
6) No submissions are accepted that could cause flame wars. We ask all posters to display a mature restraint-do not bait, embarrass nor publicly humiliate the questioner and other responders on the threads. Trolls will be banned.
(The Mods are really good at managing this one. So why waste your time? Trolling too is irritating and it takes people time to write a long Troll post and then it gets deleted. If you are certain that you are not trolling then you can complain and explain why your posts are genuine. But like I said, the Mods are really good at noticing a Troll post from the truly genuine. )
7) No submission will be accepted that will 'hijack' an OP's thread. If this happens, your comments will be taken off the thread. Stay on topic.
(if a poster asks a question about THEIR relationship and THEIR issues then that represents the question. Sure you can bring in your own experiences. Your experiences can help better explain why you are giving the advice you are giving.
But ignoring the OP's question completely by dismissing it and going straight into your own problem that needs solving? Then please write out that information as a NEW QUESTION and submit your own question to the dearcupid.org site)
8) No submissions and or usernames are accepted that contain any of your personal information such as: names of yourself or others, email addresses, home addresses, phone numbers or links to your social networking sites myspace, facebook etc.
(yes you will get your posts rejected if you choose to submit as ......"Hi, I am Molly Merilynn and my dad is the magistrate in the Municipality of Monroe. My mother Merrill is a marriage consultant in nearby Mott country and there is the problem as she has met the Mathematics lecturer at Messell and I think they are having an affair. I need answers fast so phone me on 555...")
9) No submissions are accepted, that contain links to pay websites. If you include a link please ensure it is related to the topic on the thread and it is a good, reputable, non-profit helpful website. (E.g. WebMD, Al-Anon, AA, etc.) DearCupid prides itself on the personal interaction with which the Aunts offer advice: We ask users who offer helpful links to include a few words about the link and why it is helpful.
(Uncles and Aunts can offer you links appropriate to your situation. As mentioned above. But they must be non-profit. Even a rejection may also receive a link. So please read the modnote in a rejection.
But if the site you want to recommend requires payment to receive support/advice/guidance then do not include any such links)
10) No submissions are accepted where users are looking to hook up and seeking a dating partner. Dear Cupid is not a dating site.
(Easy to understand this one - go to an online dating site if that is what you need. DearCupid is about Good quality advice and is not about finding you a person you can meet for a relationship. But the site will give you GREAT ADVICE on how to identify a potential good partner or how to improve your relationship)
11) No submissions will be accepted that contain references to suicide or self harm. If you are experiencing these thoughts, we advise you to call your local suicide crisis hotline or see your family doctor and ask for professional help.
(Suffering such terrible life threatening issues are serious medical issues that need well trained health professionals - Depression is treatable.
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/original.htm
may help - but if you are suffering then please call a help line urgenty. Metanoia above has some help lines therein.
A person suffering depression needs professional help. It is not their fault that they feel so bad. They are seriously not well. )
12) The public forums are used for the users to interact in a fun, social way. If a user submits a question on the public forum it will be deleted. Please refer back to the homepage and submit by clicking on the red letters "Ask for help". Spam/advertising will be deleted.
(DearCupid Welcomes new Uncles and new Aunts all the time.
DearCupid is also honoured to have some very long term Aunts and Uncles who enjoy posting and have written many words of wisdom. Aunts and Uncles do receive good feedback every day. The site is FREE to join and FREE to post and it operates 24/7 365 days of the week.
Thus your questions and your answers are welcome and the posters on this site have a wealth of life experience and GOOD advice that they can offer you. Try it. You will find a wide range of advice.
And it is FREE and it is well managed by good Moderators and Guidelines designed to make it a pleasant experience for all.)
Sometimes, users will accidently submit the same question numerous times, at the time of hitting that submit button. The moderators will catch that and allow ONE to be published. If you have a published question on the site, please use the 'follow up' option if you need to add further comments to your question.
DearCupid does recieve a lot of 'asked often' questions. The site has a huge archive of advice on specific topics. Please note that the DearCupid moderators may encourage posters who have submitted an 'asked often' question, to search the site for their answers.
Please remember that DearCupid has a readership that encompasses adolescents to the elderly. So we ask all users to please proof-read and consider the content of their postings, when submitting answers and questions, on this site.
Dear Cupid reserves the right to edit all questions/answers where deemed necessary.
(Hope all the above helps clarifies what you need to keep in mind when posting or responding to a question or an answer)
Now I hope you will enjoy dearcupid all the more knowing how well thought out is the process.
Over 330,000 questions published and over 1.3 million answers published - and the people who use this amazing site have sent Uncles and Aunt many lovely testimonials. )
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2015):
 As a matter of fact, I thought this had already been abundantly addressed before in other threads, but, if it has to be addressed again, here we are.
- This is a public forum, where, within the limits of certain precise guidelines, everybody is FREE to post according their own style, intellect, sensitivity, judgement and natural inclination. There's no particular obligation for,or merit in, a " tea and sympathy " approach, which may not always be the best for the issue at hand.
As just mentioned, there are clearly intelligible guidelines for what is mandatory ( or forbidden ). The rest is an option, and a matter of PERSONAL, individual, not universal preferences . And beside guidelines, there are moderators, very efficient,competent, scrupolous moderators - even too strict, if you ask me. They'll pounce at anything that may sound offensive or insulting or mean spirited. Or racist sexist religiously prejudiced etc.etc.
Other than that, of course everybody has different sensitivies, different boundaries, and different ideas of what is proper or less proper, and we have to aknowledge that, whether we like it or not. Would you like to know, for instance, what I personally find rude ?... I find rude when a Dear Cupider colleague, who, for all they know, may have less life experience,less I.Q, less wisdom, less education, less anything than me (... and I am not saying they do, of course !- but ,how would they know ? ) is trying to teach me how to answer posts , or to coerce me into expressing myself in a certain way which THEY deem most suitable.
Have you ever thought that a not- so -soft, outspoken, no nonsense , even blunt advise may have been chosen ON PURPOSE , on a case by case basis, because the Aunt / Uncle feels in his/her conscience , it will be the most effective / helpful ? " You poor little thing " is not always the most helpful thing one can say.
Personally, I differentiate . To people who are in the throes of a bad break up, for instance, and want to know if they will get over the pain.... I say : sure, darling, you will, I promise you, sure as gold, it will take time, but, don't worry, eventually you'll bounce back . First, because this is what I feel. But also, because it would not be of any use to answer : who the heck knows, for all we know you might get stuck like this for the rest of your life and never get a second chance ( which, if we have to be strictly practical and rational ,maybe it's what we should really answer ).
Now instead, let's take the case of the 14 or 15 y. who writes : oh I am so craving a baby ... I am dieing to have a baby... what do I do....
Am I supposed to answer : aaw darling, that must be so frustrating for you, I feel for you ?... Sorry, I prefer to be frank and tell her : what you should do is, to put your head under the cold water tap and make peace with your brain ; what you want to do is going to fuck up YOUR life , your CHILD's life - and MINE too, as a taxpayer and member of this society. NHS systems in countries which have one, , and social services in general, are collapsing under the weight of girls like you who won't control their biological impulses.
Or, take another example, and this is one where, take my word for it, I DO feel profound compassion for the sufferer, it really saddens me to the point of tears : battered women who can't leave because they are " in love ". Years of volunteering and also WORKING in related organizations taught me that the most effective approach to that, ...is trying to give them a good SHAKE.
" I'll be there for you..." it's always nice when you are watching " Friends " reruns, when you deal with women who are risking their life over illusions, I feel that's better to tell them very straight and stern. This IS compassion- some times the MOST compassionate thing you can do for a person is to JOLT them out of their mental fog.
Anyway- that's just my personal opinion. You have a different one, OP ? That's great, that's the beauty of Dear Cupid - the variety of advicing styles, personalities,life visions- and the debate which generates.
If you only like cuddly and mushy, feel amply free to write , and to read , only cuddly and mushy advice . Nobody is preventing you- or is forcing you to follow advice that is offered in a way which you dislike. On turn please , allow ample space too for responders who have a different communication style, or sense of priorities.
P.S. That's just me of course... but I DO miss a few abrasive , tongue-in-cheek contributors who left the site , even if they seldom agreed with me and often countered my opinion- it made the reading, and contributing , more interesting and TRUE. And, let me tell ya, the day that Dear Cupid becomes the Land of Goody- Goody ... I am out of here quick as lightning !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): There are several different Aunts and Uncles, but we get to choose the questions and posts we wish to respond to. You are a human being, coming to other human beings for answers and opinions. All opinions can't be positive, and all can't be sweet and mushy. You can ignore answers not to you liking, and read only those you do. Responses are moderated and there are no direct attacks allowed on this site.
In the world of reality, life isn't always pretty. Some people are asking for straight-forward answers, and all readers don't share your opinion. You may have given a response someone didn't like. They don't always say so, they just don't acknowledge your comments.
The people here are caring people. We each have our own style and delivery. When you don't find the answers you want here, there are dozens of other sites that offer you a variety of opinions and styles of delivery. If people ask not to be judged, they are asking for judgement by asking a question and seeking an opinion from a group of strangers who have never met them. Some people are seeking approval for cruel actions, hurtful commentary, and dangerous behavior towards vulnerable people. There are responses that would be inappropriate to the nature of the problem; or tone of the post as it was offered.
I'm sorry if anything has saddened you. There might be someone someday who will react negatively to something you've said. You can't always help that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 April 2015):
You did not single out any Aunt nor Uncle which was diplomatic of you.
You enjoyed using Dear Cupid as a site and you know that many have benefited. I am sure that dearcupid.org also benefits from you thinking things through so thoughtfully
The Guidelines on dearcupid.org support your premise that unduly harsh is not the preferred way
And rejections? I had posts rejected when I first joined, and I accept that on that day in that format my writing just did not resonate. So I read the guidelines again. Actually a few times. And then a few more times later.
Certainly I would not want anyone scared after they read what I wrote. My aim is to be sincere and kind. I respect the Chinese idea of "face". Humiliate a person and you will not make a friend.
That said there are times when I have had to have a big think before I answer so that I can try to reign in my thoughts of ..."what was the poster thinking.... when they chose to do that"
Ah but then I try to remind myself of silly things I did as a teen. I think choosing, at 16, to go through a car wash, with all the windows open, as a passenger, with 5 friends in the car, a car that belonged to the driver's father was one of my more silly decisions. We all got wet, and the driver was grounded for 3 months. what was I thinking ....??
I liked your honesty
and I think your honesty needs to be heard.
I am sure that dearcupid would like more new posters to come join the site.
Elias Canetti in "crowds and power" said that a group personality forms from the aggregated personalities of the majority.
so I encourage you to remain posting at dearcupid.org
hopefully dearcupid.org can meet your positive expectations more often in the future
...............................
|
