A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this man for around 2-3 months (we are not official). He admitted to me a few days ago that he likes me a lot and wants to get to know me and would eventually like a relationship with me.We arranged to meet today, and last night we were talking and whenever I brought up what we were going to do tomorrow, he would quickly changed the subject to what am I doing for my birthday (it's in a few days) and didn't really answer my question until I asked him a few times. This morning, he said he might not be able to make it because he has to babysit his niece and nephew last minute because no one can supervise them as who his sister was meant to do it but she had to go to work late minute and if his mum doesn't come back on time - he will have to look after them (he is in his late 20s). He asked what am I going to do for my birthday and will meet me then. I asked him maybe we could meet tonight? And he said I have to practice something for choir tonight and he said he will let me know when he's free. I am a bit spectacle about this because it feels like he's been asking me what I'm doing for my birthday because he knew he wouldn't be able to make it today? I don't know, I haven't seen him in a while so I thought he would want some alone time with me? Or am I being too dramatic? Is he just messing me around? What do I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): Thank you for your input. We have met about 5-6 times and this is the first time he's ever done it. He did apologise afterwards and he is definitely attending my birthday (which he helped organise a few weeks ago). I will definitely just think of this as a one off, and if it becomes a continuous thing - I will definitely just move on.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 I guess it's a matter of points of view . Maybe it's not a big red flag ( because , if I got it right, it turns out it was true, he was actually babysitting that night ). But to me it would be ... a pinkish flaggie maybe ?.. It shows how seriously he takes you, and what you can look forward to ,when you start a relationship- a series of last minute cancellations at the drop of a hat, according to his mood and convenience .
Sorry but to me a date is a date and " see you tomorrow at 7 " is a precise agreement, not just empty words, with whomever you take this agreement : boyfriend, friend , or your garbage collector. Of course there may be emergencies, bit personally I would not qialify his as one. I disagree that it makes necessarily more " sense "
( for who ? ) to call up a sibling than a babysitter just because the sibling lives in the same town. Siblings are people too :), they have their own schedule, engagements, committments etc. If the kids had to be taken to the ER ,sure it was better a family memmber would take them,... but being called to work is something that,I guess, may happen any time, routinely, even often... there's nothing wrong in asking the sister to have her regular support system in place for such eveniences, and / or to politely decline help due to prior committments. In this case , committments with YOU.
Of course, a little flexibility is always wise. If this was an one time evenience, no big deal. But, I don't know, the fact that he was so casual and unapologetic about that, makes me feel, maybe unjustly, that this is the type of guy who will routinely ditch you last minute because " something came up " : which is code for " you are low on my list of priorities , and the babysitterless siblings, the friend who does not like to drink alone, the other friend who wants to show me his new car tonight ....most everybody comes before you, I'll just shift YOU around ".
You see, what I also don't like , besides the fact itself of the last minute cancellation, is that he was ambiguous about it. Why not coming out and saying it FIRST thing ? Why changing subject , and deflecting to other stuff ? Why making you ask several times ?... That's really strange to me. Your time is valuable too, and , out of simple respect, he should have told you the moment he knew he was not going to keep his date, not wait to be grilled about it !
Anyway- time will tell, I suppose . For once , let's give him the benefit of doubt, - if he is a serial rescheduler and serial time waster you 'll find out soon- they are only on their best behaviour the first few months :). In the meantime, though, and regardless of the failed aopointment, I'd follow Tisha's advice. I.e. he says he wants to get to know you better ? he says he likes you a lot ? Ok, great- let him prove that to you. Let him invest time and effort on you. It's too easy saying " I like you, maybe we'll have a relationship... " just sitting nnice and cozy behind a PC screen at home.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): OP here. Seeing means dating. Well, he has been chasing me from the beginning of last year! I gave him a chance in January and he messages me first the majority of the time and always wants to be part of my life somehow (he helped organise my birthday as I didn't know what to do)
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 What does 'seeing this man' mean? Are you just talking about dating, are you dating, are you sexually intimate?
He likes you a lot and wants to get to know you, he says? Then take a break and see if his actions match his words.
Stop chasing and see if he pursues you. If he doesn't chase you back, then you have your answer, unwelcome as it might be. :(
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): And yes, she is a single mum... He doesnt live at home with his mum and sister but they do but they live in the same town so it does make sense to ask her brother first than look for a babysitter. He loves his niece and nephew very much (he talks about them a lot on Facebook).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): Hello OP here. I don't think he was lying because he was sending me lots of pictures of them (his niece and nephew) I wasn't going to phone him up anyway as that just sounds needy and screams 'I don't trust you'. He hasn't given me any reason before to think he was a liar. I will bring it up to him when I meet him next! I personally don't see it as a red flag he wants to look after this niece or nephews over meeting me, because I probably would too instead of making my sibling having to pay for a babysitter. And no, we haven't had sex yet but don't plan to until we become exclusive. Thank you all for your help!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 April 2015):
 If both HE and his sister lives at his Mom's it kind of make sense for him to babysit - or if the sister is a single mom who got called to work out of the blue and had no one else who could do it, or that she trusts... That fact that he feels a strong obligation to watch the niece/nephew over his OWN "fun" may not be a red flag. It might be that because he lives (I'm guessing) with him mom still, he is OBLIGATED to do so.
I also agree with WiseOwlE that you should NOT call and check up on him. THAT would be petty and a "I don't trust you move". It's OK to not fully trust him OR your feeling about him JUST yet, 3 months is still early days.
I would wait and see what happens for your birthday.
Getting to know someone shouldn't have a time-table. But you could (not on your b-day though) talk to him about being exclusive. IF he isn't interested in that.. I'd say let him go.
Telling a guy that "last minute" cancellations is something you will PERCEIVE as "not as interested" I think is a smart move.
I would also let him know that you are looking for a relationship, and not one in some distant future.
YOU get to set your own limit for how long you are willing to spend getting to know him. If YOU want to move faster than him, then maybe he isn't for you. Nothing wrong in that.
I have to ask, have you two had sex? Because if you haven't - I'd put that on hold till you ARE exclusive and in a relationship. Otherwise you kind of blur the lines between a sort of FWB and a dating situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): I have to disagree with the anonymous female reader on two points. I don't think it is necessary to call him to "checkout" if the reasons he gave you are true. Snooping around on people is desperate, impolite, and impatient.
It will also make a very bad reflection on you as a skeptical and insecure person; even if he did reschedule last minute. Things do happen. It appears your birthday is important to him. So wait and see how that goes.
As for being official. Two or three months is not a long-time for getting to know someone. You learn their habits, observe their quirks, get used to their work schedules; and you'll better gauge whether or not the chemistry is vigorous and consistent between you.
We get far too many posts from overly-anxious single-readers who want immediate commitments; only to discover things about people that turned out to be total deal-breakers. You can agree to be exclusive, this allows you both to focus more on each other; and establish how strong your romantic-connection really is.
Always be vigilant for red-flags or clues that give you pause to rethink whether things are progressing in the right direction. Rushing into a commitment doesn't prove how much someone likes you. It only shows you how quickly they will commit.
Checking-up on someone's story to see if they're lying to you; is a very insecure and immature approach to making a romantic-connection with someone. He has told you he likes you; and eventually, he would like a relationship. I think things are moving at a reasonable and sensible pace. You have time to observe and evaluate his behavior better. You will notice any patterns or inconsistencies; because you're taking your time before you jump in feet-first.
That's how I'm handing the romantic-connection I've made with the person I'm dating now. We've bonded strongly. It was nearly eight months in; that's when we both decided this is good and to commit. We were exclusive the first six-weeks. We're reaching a full year as of May. It is good, solid, passionate, and a lot of fun. No one felt rushed or pressured. We now each others work-schedules and other commitments; therefore, we can plan things in advance. It's very very good, what we have!
I find it odd a guy would put babysitting ahead of his love-life. That I would keep stored in the back of my mind.
Maybe not a red-flag... but a flag to be considered.
You might want to bring it up to him your next date, that you were a little perplexed about the last-minute change of plans. Politely inform him that you need more notice than that, if he "absolutely has to reschedule a date." I recommend this discussion face to face. You need to look in his eyes and search for sincerity or deception.
It would be wise to have a good dialogue on the subject of cancellations. Better sooner, than later. It is one of my own pet-peeves. Let him know you were a little concerned whether he was sincere about wanting to take things to the next level. To consider a relationship. Let him know that before you consider a relationship with anyone; he has to show you courtesy, respect, and make every effort to see you as often as possible. Inform him that he comes across a little shaky, but you're willing to show him whatever he needs to see to reassure him that you're taking things seriously at this point. If he feels any hesitation, or having any second-thought; please be totally honest. Let him also know that too many "excuses" (use the word) may force you to lose interest; and not feel he's taking things seriously.
By laying it out like that for him, you're not scolding him; but you're discouraging future last-minute cancellations. Also alerting him to the fact that you're not sure he is as serious as he says he is. By using the word "excuses," you infer without accusation. You're letting him know his reasons are suspect, and you're not gullible. All said with tact, no negative-emotion. Just as a matter of fact.
Good luck. I hope he's sincere and you both have something special!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): Don't beat around the bush. Ask him if he wants a relationship with you NOW? I think after 2-3 months you should already be in a relationship. A man who cancels last minute and is unclear about his intentions is not good news.His sister can hire a babysitter. There are plenty of them out there. If he really wanted to be with YOU, he would tell her to find another babysitter. It seems to me you are not a priority in his life.If a man is interested, he will do whatever he has to do to be with YOU. He will not make excuses. This guy seems to make excuses.Sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear but this is how I see it as an outsider looking in objectively without emotions. Perhaps this is what you need.Don't waste any more of your time with him if he is this wishy washy. Do you really want to get more emotionally involved in time and realize he isn't as invested in you?This will hurt you. But it will hurt a lot less if you get out NOW.I think you need to be honest. Tell you that you thought you were in a relationship after 2-3 months. Official or not, it's long enough to be a relationship. If he is not ready, he needs to tell you. He may come up with excuses for stringing you along. It is up to you to decide if you think he is worth it or not. Your instincts will guide you.I suspect he is looking to play the field if he isn't doing it already. Hate to say that but it is a possibility that he is dating others/stringing them along and not telling you. So he needs to keep his distance from you (and the others) in order to maintain these other dalliances.Honestly, making excuses, breaking plans, likely being dishonest and being wishy washy about your relationship are all red flags.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): If this happening now, as I write, then why not give him a ring. If he answers with screaming kids in the background then you have your answer.
Isn't 2-3 months long enough to get to know someone and decide whether to be official or not? "Eventually" wanting a relationship with you seems odd as he says he likes you.
I would say trust your instinct on this and tackle him about it if you don't get a satisfactory answer today.
...............................
|
