A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for ten years. All 'n all we have a good relationship, except our sex lives. I'd like some "outside perspectives" over what the problem(s) might be, and what others have expereinced, so I appreciate your feedback. We started dating when we were in our late 20s, but knew each other as friends in college. The big problem is: She has a low sex drive, and I have a high sex drive. Before me, she had only one guy sexually (two times in college, after a couple of beers, and she said it wasn't a good experience), and I've had about 10 mostly long-term, fully satisfying sexual relationships. Initially, I thought because she was inexperienced sexually (...she hadn't even orgasmed before she was with me), that she would blossom sexually with me (...it wouldn't have been the first sexual awaking that I would be responsible for;)). However, she has had no or little interest in sex since really even before were married: not doing it, not talking about it, not reading about it, not watching documentary PBS shows about it - nothing. I am a good man, a good father (two nice kids, a boy and a girl), and a good lover. I have a respectable job, earn a good living, pick up around the house quite a bit, try to communicate with her, be supportive. She often just talks about her work (which obviously doesn't involve me). When we were dating, she was sweet, and she still is in many ways an overall thoughtful person, works hard, and has been a good friend. But she has not been a good sexual partner, and doesn't that separate "friends" from "spouses" or "lovers"? When we were dating, she would have sex with me. And now, after long periods of no sex, she has sex with me a couple of times a week, but there's often quite a bit of resistence, and no passion. Sometimes when she's in the mood to carry things a bit more, she does have incredibly powerful orgasms, but usally she just wants me do a quickie (often yawing), and taps my back to signal to get it over with. At various points in our marriage, I had given her a lot of space, even months without asking for sex, and she was fine. Not once did she ask for it, and even really realize that I had given her space. Also at various points, I had asked her to talk straight-forwardly about her lack of interest, which she acknowledges, but she doesn't elaborate, just says that she doesn't know, and that she loves me. Again, this makes me feel unsatisified in that I can't even have an honest indepth conversation with her, even if she doesn;t know, what does she think.... She'd rather just ignore it. Recently she went to the doctor to ask about her low sex drive and fatigue, but said she ended up feeling embarrassed it and, thus, didn't discuss the low sex drive. Again, leaving me frustrated. I admit that if I had to do it again, because we're so sexually incompatable, and we appear unable to resolve or even discuss something that is very important to me, I probably would not marry her again, and that makes me sad. Recently, I found that she had googled her former lover and another guy she had a big crush on in college, and their wives. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, I certainly have looked up old lovers on the internet, but given that she appears to have no interest in me sexually/passion, it kinda ticked me off. I think she married me because she was afraid she was going to be an old maid, which again ticks me off becuase I could have married someone who really loved me passionately (based on past experiences). As soon as we got married, she started gaining quite a bit of weight. After years had gone by, I suggested to her that she might be doing that to make herself unattractive to me. She also accuses me of being needy, and I'm not a needy, whiney person, but I admit shamelessly that I am man with normal needs and wants affection and passion in his marriage, not all the time, but some of the time, at least! If I see a problem, I like to resolve it, and honestly. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): What really ticks me off is when someone in a relationship loses interest, especially when its a woman - everyone jumps to "hormonal imbalance" execuse. Lets get real.
If its the woman, its not "hormones". If there is any problem seperating mother and wife from "lover" its YOUR problem that is causing her lack of interest. She committed to you totally - do you honestly think she is going to roll over and say "Jez, that SUCKED dude!" Of course not. She loves you, and, likely she really does want a more satisfying sexual experience too, but is loathe to make the situation any worse. Telling you, when you so obviously think its her, would fall on deaf ears. Also, swinging from the chandalier can be heard by the kids-I don't know about you, but I know some kids who did hear their parents and are still emotionally scarred...
When was the last time you invested more than a few minutes or hours (in hopes of sex that night) making her feel that she is THE ONE man, I mean, the absolute hot goddess of the world stuff - and NOT WITH WORDS OR GIFTS? How about those long smouldering hot looks that left no doubt what she was going to get later, and you'd be the one giving it! How about in the middle of her working in the garden, or you polishing the car, you just stop, go find her, don't say anything, give her a sincere dramatic deep sweep you off your feet kiss, smile, and go back to what you were doing without explaination?
Also, realize your timing probably sucks. Kids - remember what YOU were like as a kid? Guess what - your kids are as annoying, trying, frustrating, demanding, and needy as you were. Have you tried to disconnect from one minute having to say "Quick making your sister lick the garbage can and get into bed" to "Do me, you hot sexy god!" in the same hour? Impossible. And after seeing to these little boogers all day - washing, ironing, feeding, cooking, cleaning, moping floors, cleaning toilets, working a full time job on the side, - try to understand that your demands not only for sex, but for GREAT sex too is more than a little overburdening.
Plus, mature women are surrounded everyday with slim, young women who are generally new to the sex arena, and are eager to play and learn. Mature women - we have stretch marks, maybe more than a few pounds left over from carrying your children, may be a little slacker than a virgin since we pushed out a baby or two, and generally spend all our time with and on our family as a whole, to the exclusion of dates, hours obsessing over our hairstyles, nail polish, make-up selection, clothes shopping, and spending time with our friends.
As soon as sex was over in the past, did you feel relaxed, happy, refreshed? Did she? Did you ask? Or did you "just know"?
I am sorry to say, that in my experiences, men who are loathe to have sex are having an affair or multiple ones on the side. And, they generally use the womans "lack of interest" as their execuse to roam.
You don't need a therapist. You don't need a doctor. You don't need a friend. You need your wife. Open, honest - brutal honesty - make her tell you what you are doing wrong in - and out - of bed. She's afraid to hurt your feelings. Assure her, LOTS, and dont pressure her to talk. If you make her comfortable, she will. Ask her - is it mechanics? Size? Routine? Do you touch zones she is no longer comfortable with? (Most women are very self concious of their belly after kids, or breasts too.) Guess what - erogenous zones CHANGE in women. Its normal. What is her fantasy now? Is she secretly into sex toys and porn? Does she need a vacation from all of you - a week away on a "just for me" cruise to recharge? Can you give her some time to pursue a hobby the same way you pursue yours, not just at home?
In short, invest in her - as a person of equal importance and deserving of equal treatment.
A
female
reader, CJohnson +, writes (3 May 2010):
Your genuine and very legitimate concerns touch me--as I am currently going through these same issues in my marriage. Only difference is: I'm the woman and HE is the one that has absolutely no interest in ANY type of sexual contact (even just kissing more than a brief friendly peck, "making out", PDA, etc). And, when we do have sex--which is about once every 6 months to a year at this point--it is just the "normal" way and lasts about 5 minutes, after which he moves back to "his side" of the king-sized bed for us to talk. We have only been married for about 3 years, and we had the same problems that you described prior to our marriage. And, like you, I assumed that given a little time and coaxing he would become more open and sexual with me. But it only got worse with time and the encounters further apart.
I have tried talking about my feelings and concerns with him but get only excuses. At first, he would get very upset and start yelling (at which point I would shut down and say "forget I even brought it up"). After about the 10th time of explaining to him that yelling and storming out was only making it worse, he realized that he was depriving himself of even knowing how serious the situation had become. Now, at least, we can sit down to talk about it. He has moderate arthritis in his lower back, so he always tells me "My back hurts" or that we can't have sex again when I ask the next day or a few days later because he's "still recovering". Or, if his back is doing well, it's an excuse about the timing--I work full time and take a full course load at school, so you would thing that I was the tired one but it appears to be the perfect excuse for how I'm never around when he's in the mood (and he's NEVER in the mood when I'm home).
I'm sorry to sound like everything is about ME, but I'm SOOOO desperate for a solution at this point. I have lost a substantial amount of weight and "fixed" a lot of negative characteristics about myself in order to attract him and better my own self-image. I've mentioned therapy but he is not interested because of childhood issues. I've even written out discussions to have with him because he mentioned that I don't specifically tell him what my issues are. Anytime we talk about it, I hear either "Yeah, I agree with you but we just need to ride it out till you finish school and we can make time for each other" (although he know that I am a life-time student and scientist, so I will really never finish school) or "Well, I was planning to have sex with you sometime soon but now that you brought it up I can't because you brought it up". I spoke with him for about 3 hours a few days ago to explain that I feel our marriage has become little more than a cohabitation. I even expressed to him my concerns that we no longer know each other--lately I feel that I am falling out of love with him purely due to a lack of regular contact. I don't feel that my demands are too much. It's not like I'm asking him to start acting out fantasies or S&M sessions--I just want some form of emotional and sexual contact in general. The last time we even kissed with tongue was around the time we met. As for any "special attention" he might give me, let's just say that that stopped before the marriage even started--even though I have still, on occasion, pleasured him but it was at my own initiation (hoping he might get the hint and pay me back sometime). I end of feeling completely unnoticed by him and, at the same time, guilty for being noticed by anyone else anytime I try to dress nice or look good. I bought lingerie and showed it to him (even put it on and walked around while he was home) and it still hangs in the closet, unused yet in full view.
Today, I was using his computer (mine has a Trojan virus at this time) and was quite surprised at what I saw. I promise I was not snooping--Just clicked on Craigslist to see if anyone had responded to my posting for some excess cat care stuff. When I opened the main page, it showed that someone had been searching "Male Seeking Male" and "Casual Encounters" postings. Upon further checking, I saw that he has visited TrannyCam sites A LOT in the past 2 weeks (as far back as the history log showed) and other internet dating sites. I really try to give him the benefit of the doubt in every situation--even when it leaves me looking like a fool--and genuinely feel horrible for searching his computer, but I have to know. You know?
On top of this, I have also been rethinking some of our "strange situations" from our past. On at least 4 or 5 occasions I have woken up in the middle of the night to find him gone. I call his cell phone several times and get no answer. Then HOURS later--usually at about 4 or 5am--I get a call from him, drunk, somewhere completely away from where we live and the bar he said he was at. When I talked to him, he told me he couldn't sleep and went out to drink and then left the bar with a friend. Only problem is, he was new to town at the time, didn't know anyone, and could remember exactly how he got to where he was at. At the time, I thought it weird and as if I wasn't getting the full story but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now, I'm rather worried that I've just been made a fool all along.
Is this a communication issue? What else can I say to stress the gravity of my concerns and not just get blown off? I feel like he is just placating me when I talk to him now--As if he thinks that as soon as I "get it off my chest" that I'll be okay and forget about it. I'm not the person to make ultimatums or pack up and leave. And I'm definitely not going to cheat just to prove my point. But I do feel that I need to do something to make a statement. Any help? How are you handling your problems? Is anything working that you could share with me? ANYTHING would be appreciated at this point!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I feel your pain, brother. As I read your post, I thought, "my goodness, this guy just described my wife to a "T." I am going through the same issues. Everything in our marriage is great, except the sex. My wife takes her role as "wife" and "mother" seriously, but falls short on the "lover behind closed doors." I want her to act slutty in bed and have told her a few times! Yet, she often tells me to go hire a prostitute. she blames her strict upbringing, she blames her locked jaw for not giving bj's, she has not totally forgiven me for considering straying, despite her frequent invitations to hire a prostitute if I want a slut. I thought she would change after marriage, it got worse. She is completely closed to the idea of experimenting, even on the most basic of sexual "activities." She may on occasion, fondle me with my pants on, but will never fondle me directly. BJ's are out of the question, handjobs are not good alternatives. She will often stop sex and just roll over on bed-no explanations-she doesn't even let me finish. I know she's done with sex-even if I am not-when she puts her forearm across her breasts (at that point I just stop and get dressed, no words spoken). I've considered straying, but don't have the heart to go thought with it. She knows I was considering it for a while and despite this "red flag," she has not changed her ways. When she gets passionate, she can do it well, but this is rare. She limits her sexual activities to intercourse, missionary, no groping, no kissing. Frustrating, absolutely. I've given up and rarely bring the issue up for discussion because it ends up in an argument.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): My guess is some hormonal thing. For example (subclinical) hypothyroidism would explain weight gain and fatigue. It can be something that's just how she was born. It could also be caused by stress or many other reasons.
My advice is that you could buy couple of books related to hormonal balance and see if anything seems to fit. (I think doctors will miss many diagnosis unless they are given lots of time. Better to read yourself and then verify with doctors when you have some candidates.)
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison +, writes (14 May 2009):
Wow, your posting has certainly generated a great deal of chatter.
I honestly don't know if what I tell you will help or has any relevance, but it's worth a shot...
I have a difficult time understanding why a woman (or man for that matter) would lose interest in sex as I see it as a great joy in a relationship, physically and emotionally. I don't think that I would feel complete in a relationship without being able to connect with my partner on that level. Having said that, my sister is quite the opposite and reminds me of your wife. She has a fabulous husband. He does right by her, and is very attractive. They have only been married about 4 years so certainly not so long that the relationship should be stale. My sister struggles with her weight. (I mention this because you said your wife has put weight on as well). In talking with my sister about sex, I have come to learn that her self image interferes with her ability to really let go and enjoy herself. She feels ashamed of how she looks and doesn't want her husband to see her. Therefore, they have sex very infrequently and she hurries it along when they do. It has nothing to do with her husband and everything to do with how she feels about herself. He tries to be encouraging and reminds her regularly that she is beautiful. But truth be told, if you don't like the way you look, you simply cannot fake it.
Maybe your wife is struggling in this area? Self confidence plays a large role in our sex drive. Perhaps this is a greater problem for her than either of you realize.
Hope things improve for you, I truly do.
Bella xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): I just saw the comment that a doctor can't fix a low libido. Actually, they can in some instances. If a woman's hormones are out of balance then they can supplement the lacking hormone with an oral or transdermal hormone. The most significant hormones for women are estradiol, progesterone and testosterone. Any of these that are low can be raised by a prescription pill, cream or gel. Many women take testosterone to alleviate low libido or sexual dysfunction. Not a lot of doctors are willing to prescribe it because they know little about it, but some do. However, balancing hormones will only work if their relationship is good and they just have out of balance hormones. Women can have low testosterone just as men can. Women need testosterone, but only about 1/10 as much as men do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): I just read your question, but I have not read many of the answers. I just answered a similar question a few minutes ago, so you might want to take a look at my answer here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/low-libido-cant-talk-about-it.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the last poster's response.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): What an unhelpful lot of responses you've had! To detract from those you've had I'd like to add that I don't think you sound whinning or full of complaints at all, you've just given a decent run down on the situation. Also I don't know what people are replying saying "just talk to her" as it is very obvious that you have repeatedly tried.
I am in a very similar situation. My partner after many attempts to talk about it agreed to go to the doctor but never did.
I actually got so strung out by it that I broke up with my partner and left. I had every intention of staying away but came back the next day. Things seem to be better now as I think it made it very clear that it was a deal breaker for me and that just side stepping the issue wasn't going to wash.
We have sex twice a week now but I still found it really hard as for starters for me that is no where near enough and secondly it is often in a limited way like seems to be the way with your wife.
I'm after the same answers you are and I don't know if they're out there. Personally I think "I don't why" is an absolute cop out. All I can think is that at a guess they just don't care because they lack that drive, or because they know it is such a big problem that they don't want to even think about it. I think sometimes they avoid trying to fix it as they are worried that won't work and then we'll be more frustrated. Who knows. Good luck mate!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 May 2009):
I take it you are giving all the other types of affection etc and not just going to her for sex?
I don't think a doctor can fix a low sex drive. It's just the way she is unfortunately.
As you say, she may not have been the best choice of partner.
Tell her you want to talk to her about this and "I don't know" just comes across like she doesn't care. Tell her how you feel about her not being willing to talk about it with you.
There are not many alternatives that don't involve another woman if she is well and truly just not a sexual person.
But tell her you want to talk about it and ask her if she would come to a therapist with you. This isn't something you should send her off to deal with on her own, it should be something you explore together.
Good Luck!! xx
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