A
female
age
41-50,
*uckeyefan27
writes:My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Our anniversary is actually within the week. We are both concerned about our intimacy. During our first two years together, things were fantastic. Then came time for me to deploy. After two weeks of being gone, i found out from my best friend that my husband had cheated on me with my best friend's wife not even two days after I had got onto the plane to leave country. Now, I am past this. In all honesty, I am. But since then, it has been nothing but problems. He and I have been having a hard time with sex. He has no problem getting an erection, or getting his, but he can never seem to get mine. We have tried so many things...and quite honestly, I'm getting tired of batteries, and more than that, I'm tired of him telling me to get my toys or him ASKING me if I even want to try to get mine. I know it concerns him because we just had a huge arguement about it. He said he is so worried about getting mine that it frustrates him and doesn't know what to do, so he sort-of gives up and lets me do all the work. I quit masturbating, to see if it would help my libito, right? That didn't work. I used women's experience-heightening stuff...that didn't work...we even starting swinging. It worked for a while, but we're back to where we started.I have done everything I can to reassure him that I'm not going anywhere else to get what im not getting from him. I randomly text him to say i love him, drop a note for him where he'll unewxpectedly find it...but nothing helps. He deploys in just over a month from now. We need to get this solved before he has to leave us in this predicament. It'll just lay dorment in my head, but he has tons of time over there to think, and i fear it will tear us apart.Will someone please give me some ideas, or at least let me know we're not alone?
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anniversary, best friend, cheated on me, erection, friend's wife, swinging, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): you feel guilt because you care, regardless of if its your fault or not. You care - well done. You also want to fix it. when you say your Prime - what are you talking about?
i think you should go for counselling - you both want to fix this - i think you can, but together not as individuals which is what seems to be happening.
Hugs star.x.
A
male
reader, 1perrito  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Your story is unusual to me because this is the sort of thing I go though with my wife, every year. I have deployed too many times. I guess truth is stranger than fiction.I am married to someone who is more beautiful than I am. I have cheated, many times. I don't know why she still loves me. I am a classic A**hole, point blank.I guess marrying her was my "ego boost". After marrying her I figured "since I can slay her, I can slay any other girl". And I did. My wife found out, adultery is hard work.I am 45 years old now. My wife is 40. She is still beautiful. We have 2 beautiful sons. I make her 'quiver' orally everytime we have sex.Now, I am in regret about the stuff I did before. Once in a while, I see and meet a girl (or woman) who wants to Tango. It's hard because I am aging well. I run and cycle to keep myself healthy. Plus, I am making more money.You ask yourself why am I telling you this?The reason is that I am keeping this on the 'straight and narrow' is because my wife does something to me that kills me, everytime.It hurts me to tell you this. She gives me the "brush off, silent treatment". She does it for days, sometimes weeks, whenever I screw up! That is more painfull to me than anything else in life! The 'not knowing' is so overwhelming, I can't sleep and no amount of wine or beer can get me through those nights. I guess what I am saying to you is that you need to buck up and appear less needy to him. Don't be needy. Don't text him. Don't call him. Don't email him. Appear befudled to him whenever he gives you attention. Go to the gym, take long runs on the treadmill to benefit your libido and make you look better. Don't take no shit from this dude! Wish you the best of luck with this advice.FRM
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A
female
reader, buckeyefan27 +, writes (8 March 2009):
buckeyefan27 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to those who responded so quickly. I'm happy to hear I'm not alone with this type of problem. I fear I'm reaching my prime and I may be expecting too much from him. In hindsight, though, the affair wasn't while we were married. We've only been married for two years, but have been together for seven. I left him for almost a year, and I was the one who went crawling back to him. Yes, he did mention several times that he wanted me back, but also said at the same time that I deserved better and to truelly think about going back to him because an episode as such would always be in the back of our minds. He says I had cheated on him before i left him, but truth be told, we were sleeping in seperate rooms, seeing other people, and were only living under the same roof because I had to save up to move out and take our son with me.
We have talked about counseling, but we always end up working it out and being happy again. Yet we still have his insecurity issue to fight. He always tells me that I'm too beautiful to be with him and that all the male attraction I get makes him think i will get it somewhere other than him. i can't reassure him enough that I won't. But his mistrust of me has no motive. Why should I feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong?
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A
female
reader, buckeyefan27 +, writes (8 March 2009):
buckeyefan27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess i should have mentioned this, but he doesn't kiss me the same way he used to...no freches, that's for sure. And foreplay has never been his strong-suit. In fact, he's never been good at giving oral, but it was never needed, either. He just doesn't show the same interest that i do in the bedroom. He doesn't drink at all, so I tend to be the one taking the shots, or swigging the beer. I'm not an alcoholic by no means. Very rarely do we got out anymore. He spends the majority of his time an hour away working on his jeep for a wheeling event. I'm not upset by the time hes spending away. Really, i'm not. but I also don't get much of him when he returns either because he's so drained when he gets home. I don't think it has to do with PTSD from his deployment. Nothing else has changed in him. But his ability to please me in the bedroom has brought him to a state of insecurity. I've mentioned counseling and he went to see his doctor. They gave him pills for erectile disfunction AND depression. I'm being as supportive as I can. This has been going on for over three years now, and i am afraid i am coming into my prime....and he can't help. Which causes many arguments, and his depression.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Hi you seem to talking around it a lot - are you saying you don't orgasm with your husband?
Did you before he cheated?
do you when you are alone or during the swinging phase?
Are you talking clitoral or Vaginal oragasms?
Does it happen in foreplay? I would guess the rest of sex is ok?
But some thoughts in advance....
No you aren't alone - the trouble is you have entered a phase where you think about it too much...bit like someone shouting don't look down... and you are looking down.
if you can only climax clitoraly then i would suggest climaxing in foreplay and worry about the shagging bit after. Spend lots of time on the foreplay. Slowly and enjoy.
Use a little drink to lower your tension and don't expect it to happen. Some women never climax more than clirotaly and there is nothing wrong with that.
you love him, this will work out :) might be a bit longer than a month. I suspect when deployment is over, then the real manoeuvres will begin....
Hugs.Star.x.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (8 March 2009):
 How much time do you spend on foreplay? I have found that when I am in a rut, it really helps me out to have longer oral sessions and just a lot of intimate touching before sex.
Sadly, I think that as far as your relationship is concerned, you may need to seek counseling. I know firsthand how tough deployments can be on a marriage and sex life, and each partner has to be willing to work doubly hard to keep thinks together.
For you, I would suggest some alternate forms of counseling. It is not uncommon at all for a woman to go without climax for a longer than normal period of time. Find out what TriCare will cover, and see a therapist. You won't get short term results, but when your husband comes back you could be all set for him. Set up and appt. with your gyno and see if they have any advice about sex counseling. I think you'd be surprised to know how many times they're actually asked about this sort of thing.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (8 March 2009):
I know that you say you have moved past the affair, but you wouldn't have written about it if it didn't still bother you. You could have said that you were having sexual intimacy problems with DH and leave it at that, but you felt it necessary to include information about the affair, and I think that is a HUGE reason for the intimacy issues.
Did you seek professional help in dealing with the affair? It's one thing to push the affair in the back of your head and convince yourself that you have dealt with it. You may honestly feel that it doesn't bother you, but intimacy requires trust, and that is something that was likely lost when he broke his marriage vows to you.
It would be hard for anyone to "just move on" after this type if incident, without having the guilty spouse rebuild his trust with you (and that's more than just, "I'm so sorry...sob...sob...I will never do it again...sob...sob...I love you"). That just doesn't heal the wounds, and it doesn't show you that he's made efforts to ensure that this type of behavior will not occur in the future.
You say that he is deploying soon. Are you afraid that he will seek out intimacy with someone else if this issue is not resolved? Honestly, sweetie, if he would engage in another affair, it would have nothing to do with your intimacy problems - the real issues are his. Don't blame yourself for his actions and don't feel responsible for preventing him from doing it, again. You can only be responsible for yourself and your own actions.
I feel that the affair has impacted you more than you know. I would recommend individual and couple's counseling. You may not know what you need to heal and a therapist can get you there.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please keep us updated. Good luck!
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