A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem that seems to be just the opposite of some recent Q and A's. We have been married for 33 years and busted our humps to correctly and lovingly raise our Daughter and Son, now 31 and 24 years old respectively. Nobody could ask for a better son and daughter. We are all very close, although they are bothin the Air force, and thousands of miles away. The result of working so hard for a good life for the kids, my wife and I have distanced ourselves for all of the 20 plus years of marriage. There has been absolutely no sex in over 24 years. A quarter of a century! Neither of us have made a move to fix this train wreck waiting to happen. The twist is that I am the one that is trying my hardest to correct things and renew that emotional and physical intimacy that I crave, but she does not. I have just been released from the hospital after a near suicide stemming from a deep dark, extremely painful bout of depression. I thought that the reasons for the depression were from work and situational causes, but I'm thinking that maybe the marital problems were more of a factor than I thought. I can handle all of the triggers to depression that almost destroyed me before, but I am hounded by the frustration of not having even a gentle caress or at least a simple touch throughout the whole depression bout. She said a lot of what she considered to be comforting words, but the words had no feeling. At one time I was sitting, sobbing uncontrolably, just needing a touch or kind word, but she said that I have to take care of myself, then we'd talk about our marriage. I don't think she wants any change. We are not poor, but certainly not rich. I love her, and she says she loves me, but, since she had a terribly emotionally abusive childhood, and I had the almost ideal childhood, could it be that she doesn't understand what unconditional love in marriage means? I have suddenly awoke and realized in this our 59th year, that we have to do something right away to fix this broken relationship. She resists any thought of marriage counceling, where I welcome any and all attempts to repair the damage if possible. I need and crave affection and togetherness so much, that if we can't return to a fulfilling marriage, I'll have to leave the relationship, just to keep my sanity.I have never beeen unfaithful to her, and I know she hasn't either. No, I don't know how I did it. But this can't go on much longer. Help me with any suggestions, please! enginedoc
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 April 2013):
 You both are accustomed to living this train wreck which ‘has’ happened 24 years ago so I would not expect a miraculous change to take place, and understand why she’d be resistant to counselling and displaying affection all of a sudden! (Did something happen after the birth of one of your children?)The status quo of your marriage has become predictable, as it’s been left unchallenged all this time… allowed to sit at the one Station for so long, its engine [brain] doesn’t know how it’s supposed to shift/change into gear when it’s been conditioned to not move?Meanwhile your engine parts are whirring and have not been idle as it craves affection and restoration of its carriage – marriage. However it is travelling at a different speed to that of your wife to come aboard. So before pulling up to the Station; shouting all aboard to the wife, or doing the Las Vegas Express route, I’d make it lovingly clear that this is a one time, one passenger stop for your wife to sort out her baggage, just as you are doing for yourself with getting some counselling etc. as it’s going to depart preferably with than without her.TAKE CARE Engine Doc – CAA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): Good God man no sex for twenty-five years? What the ---k? How have you dealt with your sexual desires? Don't bother to answer that I don't mean to offend. I see why you have gone through what you have. This is horrible. No support from your wife as it appears? This is unacceptable. You almost died and got no support from your wife? You have to pack this cold selfish bitch up and send her on her way. If this abuse I don't know how else to describe it. Couldn't your children see that there was something quite right going on? So you wife had a bad childhood that his her excuse for ignoring you in the bedroom for 25 years. This is unacceptable my friend. Unacceptable.. You have to pack this so called marriage up right now. Pack your bags and leave. Don't even give her a reason. She probably wont even miss you. Now go get a good lawyer and file for divorce based on this sexless marriage which she blames on a abusive childhood but doesn't want to get help herself. Get all the help you need and then go to Vegas for a week and go to one of those legal bordellos and catch up on the twenty five years of sex you haven't had. Remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): You are suffering from the effects of isolation. I suggest that you look for group support. There are many people in your situation; you are not alone.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (22 April 2013):
Dear OP,
Your story has really moved me, that's why this answer's going to be rather long. Of course I wonder what has kept you two together in a marriage when there was no physical affection at all, but when I look at the age of your kids, I can imagine that it was a busy family and work life that kept you together as a team.
I suppose that now the kids are grown up and you both have more time for your relationship, which brings up the long lasting intimacy problems. Since there has not been any sex in 24 years, the time where you had intimacy must have been shorter than the time you both lived without it, so if this marriage should change, it's not "back to normal", because normal=sexless. You would need to develop some new form of being together and that needs the willingness of the both of you.
If I was you, I would go to counselling by myself. To see what YOU can do in this situation and to get clarity why it has come this far and how you both could accept a marriage on these terms for 24 years. Before you make any decision whether to stay or not, you should know HOW/WHY this has happened and why you LET it happen.
Before you want to change your wifes behavior, you should know what you contributed to the problem. And before you ask for physical intimacy, you should take a look at whether you have any emotional closeness. If that isn't there, you need to build it up again.
If you hurry too much in order to make some major change in your life, you might miss some important (!) informations and fail to learn some important things, creating new chaos in your life. This huge crisis that you had came for a reason. Take your time to find out what it was without blaming either yourself or your partner.
I have been in a sexless relationship and quit and I was always convinced it was entirely my partners' fault. It took me years to realize that we both contributed to this and that my behavior was NOT helpful to spice up our sleepy sex life. Now I can remember that she actually made suggestions to get closer to each other but I never listened, so she stopped to ask me for anything. Like, she asked me to come to bed earlier so we could cuddle. I stayed awake and watched TV, but wondered why she didn't want to have sex with me on sunday morning. I wanted the whole thing on my terms and I didn't realize she actually made some efforts too. Of course I found some past history of hers to be responsible for all of this as she presented this as an easy excuse for why it was not working.
OP, I am not saying you both need to stay together at all cost. But so far, you haven't tried everything that's possible to save this marriage, you are just about to start trying. It IS worth sticking around for some more time and trying to find a way.
Wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 This really bought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I am so sorry that things are going this way for you and that you are so unhappy and lost.
I apreciate that there are always two sides to every story, but your wife seems cold and disattached and she must have her reasons for being so.
The fact that you have not had a sexual relationship for so many years suggests that something went wrong somewhere a long time ago, but you chose to stay together for the kids...and this is the result!!...happy kids, miserable parents.
Everyone needs love and most need intimacy and to go without for so long is extremely damaging so it's little wonder that you have sunk so low.
It seems from what you have said that it is only you that wishes to fix things, but, my friend, I do not think it is possible to do when the other person in the mix does not want it fixed...
Maybe it's a lifetime of dissapointment and failed attempts at trying that have bought you here, Maybe you should have ended it years ago and rebuilt your lives, that said I totally understand why you didn't quit...but it hasn't paid off.
So what is left?...to end things? Painful and a massive upheaval in your lives, but it brings with it new hope, new opportunities and new goals.
Life is a funny thing, we stand by our traditions and conventions so much that we lose sight of ourselves. We believe in love so blindly that we refuse to accept it can die at any moment and sometimes there is no reason. We hold onto it so tightly, even if it is destroying us and hurting us, in the belief that it is the only thing keeping us alive...it is hard to admit defeat and let it go and it is also untrue that we can only ever love one person.
Please do not end your life, because you still have a long life to live and it's up to you what you fill it with. Go back to basics within yourself, focus on healing yourself, take some time away if necessary. Make a space in your mind for new ideas to come in, no matter how strange or impossible they seem...and the answers will come and the doors will open.
The separate part of you that needs love and affection, can and will be able to find it again. If your wife does not wish to be on this journey with you, then she must have other plans...so maybe it is time to lay things to rest?
Forgive yourself...ok?
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