A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my brother in law just came home from iraq and will do anything to get out of having sex with my sister. i don't know what to tell her.. can some one help. he was there for 15 months. all he does is invite friends to spend the night and tries to get out of it.... help my sister thinks its her Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (26 January 2009):
Day times are easy... you can fill them with doing things, routine, xbox, phone calls, and everything else.
Evenings are alone time and also when they fire mortars, so it's no wonder this is when he has the problem.
Has she tried talking to other army wives about this? There are lots of support groups online and they are the best people to talk to about this. They've been through it so can give advice and support that will help.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (26 January 2009):
 When a soilder is seperated from his family for a long time and returns home he has to readjust. The time he was gone made a big difference in how he views things. He wasn't gone long before the baby was born and now 7 months later he is basically a different man.
Unless he is gay, or was able to connect with a female soilder, which both is against policy, it's not likely to be someone else. If he had access to the internet, perhaps then he may have been able to talk to other woman but in a war zone that too can be complicated and prohebitied in most instances for security purposes. The woman in Iraq are off limits too!
His need for sex may be diminished because he has been without so long and constant hanging out with the troups it's possible to have caused a stigma. If he's loving in the day and yet at night becomes cold and distant, sex may not be of importance to him at all. It's possible that he may also not feel any sexual desire if he has become depressed during his stay in Iraq or his readjustment period. I really think he needs time and lots of loving care. She needs to be as supportave as possible. They both should seek counseling to help them cope with the problems that have developed in the relationship.
I hope it does work out and that you can be the "friend" he needs. It may be hard to deal with but you can be a stable force in helping him cope and talk things out. Again my PRAYERS are with you all.
Blessings,
Blue_Angel
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (26 January 2009):
 Any other way, he's dealing with a lot. When he was home for two weeks, he probably never shut off "war mode" because he knew he was going back. He's in a different mind set now. He probably doesn't want to be alone at night, and he's use to being around "the guys". She has to be understanding and patient, and know that things will get better. But he very well may never be the same as when he left. War changes people. And only a RARE, lucky few fall back into normal life with ease.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell the other thing is they have a 7 month old together... and he avoids contact with the child. i know its hard to switch like that but he did it when he came back for 2 weeks for the babies birth. we all can't understand it. it's only at night time also. he;s lovey all day and then at night... he's totally different...
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (25 January 2009):
I have just been through exactly the same thing.
My hubbie came home from Iraq in December and it took us about 6 weeks before he was in the mood properly.
It is not your sister's fault and she just has be there for him for a while. Give him a good few weeks of no pressure and just cuddles. He'll need his space to get back to normal. That's awful for her but he will have been through so much emotionally that he will feel like he is on a different planet right now.
If things still don't improve after 6 weeks or so then she may need to give him a kick up the arse. It was only when I went out with a male friend of mine that my husband suddenly started worrying I may take up a better offer, and then realised how rubbish he'd been recently. It was what he needed and now everything is better again.
Tell her that it's horrible but she has to just stand back and wait for him to turn back from Sgt David 2606 4789, into her Dave again.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (25 January 2009):
The y oung man has learned to do without any sexual intamacy and has been hanging out with his friends. This in a way has become second nature. His entire life has been reorganized to fit into his life as a SOILDER at WAR! In these hard times, patience and understanding are going to be needed in order for him to get setteled back into the life of the HUSBAND.
Assure your friend that LOVE IS SOMETHING YOU NOT ONLY FEEL BUT SOMETHING THAT YOU DO! To STAND by her husband NOW is probably going to be one of the most difficult tasks she will ever encounter. The fact is she has already been hurt by the seperation while he was away but she was STRONG and MADE IT THRU! Tell her that she has to STAY STRONG now thru this and help him to get over his traumatic experiences. His life has been FOREVER CHANGED!
If she shows him compassion, giving him love and respect it can make a big difference in how he deals with re-entering the life back at home. She will have to give alot of space to him, to prevent pushing him away. He is already stressed out and is probably having a bit of a hard time in getting back to the norm at home. There is a BIG DIFFERENCE in WAR and HOME! Sometimes things happen that cause a family to be very dysfunctional. If things continue to worsen I would say that she needs to suggest their going for counseling.
This could help them both cope with this situation.
My Father , My brother-in-law, 3 of my brother's,several of my friends have all been in major battles in war. My ex-husband was in Korea for 14 months without me. Each part of the families were affected greatly by their absense. It brought about changes and crisis for each man and their wives or children. Everyone is affected, even close friends. WAR IS HELL....RIGHT HERE ON EARTH.....PRAYER IS NEEDED AND TO PRAY WITH AN OPEN MIND AND A WILLING HEART IS WHAT YOUR SISTER AND HER HUSBAND NEED. GOD IS THERE AND HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
Pray for them, tell your sister to pray. If you can get time to get closer to her husband you perhaps can make an appeal to him. Of course you can't tell him what you know, You can be there to listen and in time you can give him some ideas about how to get closer to her again. Give him time to open up to you and hopefully he will learn to put his trust in you. SINCE HE LIKES HANGING OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS......BECOME HIS FRIEND! WHEREVER GOD IS IN THE MIDST, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! WALK IN FATIH, HAVE HOPE AND BELIEVE!
My Payers are with you and sister's family.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (25 January 2009):
Smeedle has hit the nail on the head. He has been through hell. Its not her. In all honesty, its him. Give him time and space. You can't go from a war mind set for 15 months, and then in the blink of an eye snap right back to being a civilian. She has to be understanding right now. This has nothing to do with her. And, don't pressure him to "tell all". Wait for him to tell her.
I understand that she missed her husband and wants to feel close to him after such a long time. But, she has got to be patient.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (25 January 2009):
 This is really hard to answer as im not really sure what the problem is as you have not said how long they have been married and if the relationship was ok before he went to Iraq.
15 months away in a very stressful country with a dangerouse job is going to play havoc with his mind, he has been under a lot of pressure, will have seen things that have mentally disturbed him, he will have had to battle with lonliness, leaving his loved one behind and he will have been without sex for over a year so will have had to push his sexual urges to one side.
He maybe be suffering some form of post traumatic stress syndrome or he may have some flashbacks, he may have erection problems or just not want to be alone with your sister in case she asks him things about his time away that he is not ready to answer yet, or he may just be afraid of being with just one person and needs the company of his mates like he has had for the past 18 months.
Your sister must ask him whats going on, but in as sensitive manner as possbible, and be prepared for answers she may not like.
Your sister will think his behaviour is because he does not love of fancy her anymore, this may just not be true as he has come home to her.
Let her read your question on here if it helps.
Good luck
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