A
female
age
30-35,
*bhdt
writes:So a few weeks ago I had sex with a guy that I work with, it was just a one time thing as we are just friends and I was leaving the job and we both wanted to have sex with each other. However now I feel really guilty as one of my close friends really likes him and I knew this at the time but got carried away in the moment and just kind of ignored it. We are really close and she was aware that jokes had been made about us having sex but it was never taken seriously just passed off as banter. She is normally the person that I would talk to about this type of thing but I cant as I'm pretty sure she would be extremely angry and I would possible lose her as a friend but I feel like I am lying to her. Recently she has been making remarks which make me think she knows that something has happened, although she is not quite sure what so now. I am having to dodge questions and come up with excuses so I feel like I am digging a bigger hole and making the situation worse. I suppose my question is should I just tell her and risk losing her as a friend (which would be my own fault) or should I continue to dodge the subject and hope that she forgets about it eventually?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 If you were her what would you want? do that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 September 2014):
 I would fess up. Even if that means I lose her as my friend, because as things stand now.. YOU are not friends. She doesn't trust you any further then she can toss you.
Yes, she knows what went down.
Yes, you SHOULD have considered your friend before your chance at sex with this guy. BUT on the other hand, if she called "dibs" on him but did nothing to move it along... I'd say he is fair game. But going by THAT rule... You can end up losing good people in your life.
And HOW on Earth did rumors of you and him having sex even get started? Did he or you brag? Or did you snog in front of other co-workers? Maybe next time you get it on with a co-worker..... use more discretion.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 September 2014):
 Tell her, just get it out in the open and over with. As much as it might hurt her, its much better to hear it from you. When I was much much younger I did this to a friend and had another friend do it to me. Its not pleasant at all, and that isn't what friends should do to one another. Eventually, we all got past it and remained friends because turns out the guy wasn't worth it AT ALL. Tell her. As Wise Owl says, be sincere. She'll probably going to be very angry and hurt. You might lose a friend, but hopefully you've learned a lesson like I did...friends are worth more than guys almost every time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): My guess is that she already knows. If there have been jokes or rumors at work, people are (or someone is)trying to let her know. She may be trying to get your confession to decide if you're a real friend.
If the guy isn't dating her, and he's not her boyfriend; it doesn't make any sense that she would end a friendship over a guy she just likes. If she likes him so much, what is she doing about it? Did you leave out some details to avoid letting us know that he likes her too?
What was going on in your head when you went after him knowing that she likes him? The difficult part to understand is, you knew it would hurt her so much you could lose her as a friend.
If you're really a friend, tell her the truth and face the consequences. Chances are, she'll get angry and get over it. If she gets the total truth from someone else first, she will be all the more angry, and less likely to forgive you.
If you must lose a friend; it is better to lose them for telling the truth, than from hiding it. At least give her a reason to think about forgiving you. Apologize with all your heart, if you do confess. I hope you are really sorry.
Remember karma. What goes around, comes around.
You broke the Lady's Code of Friendship. You don't go after guys the other one likes; or immediately date an ex after a breakup. These are acts of hostility and treachery toward a friend.
I hope she forgives you. I hope your remorse is sincere.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (29 September 2014):
 I hate to be blunt, but it is just my nature. It is also my nature to be brutally honest with you.
You're going to hurt her feelings anyway, and you are probably going to lose her as a friend as a result.
That being said, just be honest with her and hope that she forgives you.
If you lie by omission, and she finds out elsewhere, it will only make this situation even worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): Yeah, she'll hear it elsewhere if you don't tell her., and you'll look like a d*** for denying it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2014): She won't forget if she thinks it's true and you risk her finding out from someone else which is worse, just tell her and deal with the consequences, but be prepared for her to flip and be really upset because you knew all along. She has the right to find out from her friend.
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