A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long question, but can you please advise me?I've been in a relationship for about a month or so now, and it has recently become a sexual relationship. But for how ever many reasons, it isn't as simple as I think it should be.There are a number of problems. The first is that my partner refuses to sleep anywhere other than her house, as she's uncomfortable sleeping anywhere else. Her house is full off floorboards that creek, and her bed is made of metal frames which makes a lot of noise too. She also stays with her mum, her mum's partner and a younger sister, so there is a lot of pressure in not waking them up! Another thing she insists on is doing it with the lights turned off because she's self-conscious about what her body looks like. She isn't the skinniest girl in the world, but she's beautiful to me, and it's a bit of a turn off not being able to see her during sex.On both occasions we've tried to have sex now, it has taken a long time for the process to start. There are always interruptions, due to her worrying about making too much noise, or that somebody will walk in on us. I can understand being nervous, but she feels the need to put her clothes back on. When you have to get somebody undressed 3 times, you start to get a little frustrated, especially whenever you've been erect for the past 25 minutes or so. In the end when we've finally gotten round to penetration, she's either telling me to be more careful about making noise, or telling me to "calm down". I try and satisfy her needs (I've never been unable to satisfy a partner), because she's told me that penetration doesn't really "work" for her, so I try and do other things, but because it's taken us so long to get things started due to interruptions and distractions, it's difficult for me to do those things and stay aroused. I'm starting to think I'm going to need viagra if we're ever going to see our sexual encounter through.What are we going to do? This became a heated problem last night. She got angry with me and insisted I was blaming her for everything. I assured her I wasn't putting all the blame on her. This is a two-way thing. But what do you think? Sex is suppose to be fun, and it seems like it's spoiling our relationship.Another problem is that, for whatever reason, I can't have an orgasm through oral sex or handjobs. Penetration is the only thing that works for me. Why is this? I've had 4 sexual partners in my life, and none of them have ever given me an orgasm this way. Could there be something wrong with me?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 August 2009):
 I'd ask questions. Why do you feel uncomfortable? Do you enjoy fearing waking the family when we have sex? What can I do to make staying with me comfortable for you?
In order for your relationship to work, there really has to be a compromise. It can't be all you going over there, but when requesting her to join you, you still want to be compassionate about her feelings, while assuring her that you're not trying to put her somewhere uncomfortable, just trying to go somewhere you two can be together without distraction. It's not fair for either of you under these conditions. Something needs to change, or this may not work out the way you would want it to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know RCN. She just says she can never sleep comfortably away from her own home. This is really annoying for me because it means I ALWAYS have to drive to hers, and that means using petrol which is expensive. She's even offered to pay for the petrol money, but what kind of man charges their girlfriend money for visiting? It's stupid.
What on earth can we do? Last night I was feeling very tired, and she starts indicating that she wants to do something. At this point it's abut 2am and I work through the day. I have to get up early, go to work, come home, and I'm still expected to go and see her. I don't mind seeing her, but then she gets on my back about the fact that I'm tired after what has been a long day for me. She doesn't work, so she can afford to lie around in bed all day if she wants. I can't. And it's very difficult to explain that to her because she's done a lot of job hunting but nobody will take her on. It's difficult to explain that it's not that I don't want to, it's just that I don't have the energy.
Please help
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 August 2009):
Why is it not comfortable for her to stay somewhere else? Does she have an abnormal attachment to her home? Aside from bedtime, does she leave much, go out and hang out with you other places? Not placing blame, just finding answers. Aside from the self esteem, this sounds like she has a real phobia about staying somewhere else. Does she feel unsafe being somewhere else? It seems a little strange, putting up with the noise and getting undressed 3 times, compared to going somewhere that sex might be enjoyed.
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