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female
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anonymous
writes: I have a problem with my relationship. I'm 22 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We broke up last year because I found out my boyfriend had someone else. He said it wasnt important to him, he just enjoyed the attention he got from her. I forgave him but I found out he was still carrying on behind my back. They went through this whole pantomime of sending messages to each other "my girlfriend knows, I love her and don't want to hurt her" and her txting back "fine I'm over you anyway". But he got a new number for her, then I found out and it all got rather ugly.We had been apart for a year, still talking and occasionally getting very close but I found it hard to forgive the deception.At the begining of this year, we decided to give it another go. For the past year I've been very lonely. I've been out with other guys but I've never wanted to take it any further. He was the only man I loved. He has also had sex with other women on our break. That doesn't really affect our relationship because we were apart for a long time. However I can't fully blame him for looking around. We have been together a very long time, but I have been a virgin for the majority of our relationship, mainly because I wanted to be married first, which for the first few years was fine. He quite liked having a virgin girl. But then he begun to get fustrated. So when we got back together I had told him I would commit to the relationship sexually. I wasn't pressured into it. Part of me wanted it gone because it had been so much of an issues when we were together before. I had felt pressured, and at the grand age of 22, I felt curious.When we did it it was awful and very painful, only because it lasted for nearly an hour. But I kept at it ever since, to get over the painful feeling. I wanted to enjoy it, like my friends do, like people on TV do, like the writers in glamour magazine talk about. I wanted to experience the pleasure of sex. It's been about 2 months now, but it's not getting any better. It's like I feel numb down there. At first it's painful, then numb. He goes at it and he trying his hardest to please me and I try to please him. He loves that I want to keep trying. Foreplay is OK, but I don't feel anything exciting during the penetrative act of sex. My boyfriend knows how I've been feeling, and he knows it's not him. Maybe it is a little because recently I've noticed as I become more active in the bed he comes really quickly. I'm talking sometimes he enters me and that's it. So it can become a bit of a chore when we are stopping, trying to get him aroused for a second and third round.Sometimes I can hardly feel him inside me, and it's not that he is small. He is about 6 1/2 inches and quite thick. I just don;t know what the problem is. It's beginning to affect me because I thinking, "Is this how it's going to be?" Even if the foreplay's great I'd like to be able to enjoy sex, and sometimes we don't have time for a marathon session of lengthy foreplay. So do I accept that this is the way sex is going to be?I need some help because I find it hard to talk to just anybody about it. I've spoken to my boyfriend and he's concerned that I'm not enjoying it, but feels numb sex is better than painful sex, so it isn't that much of an issue to him.I need some objective advice. Can anybody help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anon poster, i do love my boyfriend very much, we have been together a long time and we share alot of history. No i am not just going through the motions with the sex thing and " having sex for the sake of it" im hoping things will get better, this is the man that i hoping to share the rest of my life with. I not going to pretend we havent got problems, because we have. However i am anxious for things to change between us in the bedroom dept. Thank you for taking ther time to respond, your views have been very helpful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2006): Reading this, I feel its the way things are between you and your bf. Foreplay shouldnt just be ok, it should be the time when you really feel something, even if sex isnt that great for you. I feel like there maybe some issues with you relationship you need to look at- you didnt tell us you love him, that sex is intimate and caring, and that he cares that you dont feel anything.
I say all this because sex isnt that great at first, Ive been there, Ive had the pain, but I still felt really close to my bf, it was loving. I agree you shouldnt feel numb, I suggest you see your doctor and get checked out. But I think you should also think about the way things are with your bf too. Dont just have sex for the sake of it. I hope you get things sorted, good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 From what you say I gather sex is no longer painful, in fact you say you have no feeling when having penetrative sex, that it feels numb.
I maybe wrong, but I feel the problem here is that you are one of the many women who find penetrative sex less enjoyable than clitoral stimulation. You say foreplay is great, so that part of your sex life is good for you, what I think you need to do is try some different positions and find one that enables your partner to penetrate you so you or your partner can stimulate your clitoris at the same time. There are also many sex toys available to buy that aid clitoral stimulation too.
Some women find it impossible to climax with just penetrative sex, and this can lead to feelings of failure on the sexual side of the relationship, but it's a very common problem and nothing to get too worried about, you just need to find a way to stimulate yourself during sexual intercourse.
Your problem I think will be solved with experience, you have to learn to relax and tell your partner what feels good, use plenty of lubrication, try lots of different positions, experiment in other words, and don't worry too much about it all beforehand.
If you are worried that this problem may be because of some medical condition I would go and see your doctor just to be sure.
I'm sure though that given time and patience your sex life will be fine!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (25 May 2006):
 I think you are under the impression that sex is a ground-breaking earth-shattering experience like they portray in the movies...it's not usually! First sex is usually a bit painful and few people look back on it as their best ever sexual experience. However, for women in particular, sex is about emotional stuff and being loved and feeling secure about relationships. When you are not happy in your relationship, or there are physical problems down there, you can suffer from a condition called Dyspareunia. This refers to the tightening of the vagina (Vaginismus) and sometimes lack of lubrication. Physical reasons for painful sex can be a problem with the cervix (you should be getting cervical screening after first sex), yeast or skin infection, hormone imbalance or abnormality of the uterus (womb). Emotional triggers for vaginal tightening at the time of sex can be just as painful. It sounds like this man has betrayed your trust in the past and you are not too sure about him now. You are now also expecting pain from sex so you are probably a little strung out about the whole situation just before intercourse - you need to be relaxed and well-lubricated for decent sex. It could be that parts of your body are just expressing what you feel emotionally about your man. However, if you disagree with that interpretation then you should see a doctor to exclude physical causes of the pain. Take Care!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Sounds like something is wrong... sex shouldn't be painful, let alone numb like that. I'd suggest going to see your GP...
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