A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi please i really need you guys to answer this and help me as i am becoming depressed and dont know what to do..i have been married for almost a year now, me and my husband had sex only the first nite but not properly... after that i have been continuously avoiding it as far as i can. now he thinks that i dont love him as we dont make love but the truth is the pain is so excruciating (while having intercourse) that my body just shuts down when it comes to penetration. I love my husband a lot and he is very understanding but still i always feel guilty at all time as he is such a darling hubby and cant give him happiness also. Please let me know what can i do ? I am also very scared to goin to a doc !
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Search Vaginismus on google. Could be a case of that?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 You really have to go see a gynecologist. I'm afraid you may have a medical condition that is causing this and you will need to be examined. If you want a family someday, I'm afraid you have no choice.
If you are having mental issues involving being examined, I suggest you ask to see a psychologist for help with that. It's not that scary to see a gynecologist, really. Especially if you let her know about your fears and the problems with intercourse. You are not the only one who has had this issue. But you do need to face it and get help.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Alright, if the problem lies with you being too tight there is hope! Don't give up, I have a few more tricks up my sleeve. But first I have to stress how important it is that you include your husband in what is going on. Even if you want to work on this yourself, tell your husband so, so that he is aware of what is going on and wont feel left out or unloved.
Are you being intimate, having sex, without penetration? You should definitely be! There is many intimate things to do together, and it is possible to have sex, without penetration. So work on this, so that you can still have sex and not view sex as something horrible. Just say that for the time being, until you are ready to try again, no penetration. Other things you can and should do instead is to have oral sex, kissing, blowjobs, him licking you and giving you an orgasm. Then you can also touch each other, handjobs, fingering etc. And not everything has to be focused on your genitalia, give the entire body attention. I recommend having sessions like this with each other as often as possible, maybe 3 times a week or so should be good, but more often is great too. Don't go down to less than once a week. This is something you need to work on, and the problem won't go away by itself if you ignore it.
Next, and this is what Im worrying you might not accept: have you considered buying toys? If it is so that you are tense, his penis is too large for you (he sounds about average, but some women just are tighter than average as well) then buying a small dildo, or vibrator, would help you. This toy you should play with on your own and get used to at first. Then when you are comfortable with it, introduce it to your husband and when you are intimate together bring it into the play. Nothing fancy, just a few touches and showing him how you use it to be comfortable. The idea is that you will get used to your body, learn how to avoid the pain (since by yourself you are in full control), and maybe even get used to having something inside of you. Start with smaller sized vibrators and perhaps get a larger one when you feel comfortable to do so.
Another thing to consider, what positions are you having sex in? Some positions are easier on the woman that others, but that all depends on the man and woman. So experiment a little with that. If you do buy a vibrator, you can use it to experiment, trying to use different angles. Then when you find something that works for you, try and do the same on your husband. The best is if you can be comfortable in a position where you have all the control and can decide the speed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx chigirl but can't have alcohol and stuff becoz of religious reason..well after this excruciating pain tat I felt I just don't let my husband penetrate me.. I mean we get all hot and stuff I get wet too but the thought of penetration and the pain involved with it just shuts me down and makes me dry out..I really love my hubby and he too loves me alot just understands me so much but it's been almost a ur tat we are married and no sex! I gotta do something it can't work like this rite?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 June 2010):
You didn't quite answer all of my questions. How long did it go between each time you had sex? If it went several weeks you might as well have tightened back up again and the whole point is lost. You need to have sex regularly. Perhaps your hymen did not break, but a gynecologist should be able to see if that is so. A gynecologist will have to take a look at you down there, using her fingers to feel the insides of you, or this type of tool used to "open" you up so she can actually have a peek. However, no one can force you to do this. You can still go to your gynecologist and tell about your problems, and then say that you will not have an exam because of the fear of pain.
Another rather unconventional idea for you: get drunk. Alcohol numbs you, so the intercourse won't feel so painful. But yes, use lubricant. Any regular lubricant can do, just stay away from the ones with menthol in them, or the ones who say they give a "tingling sensation". I found those to be painful. Also: start using birth-control instead of condoms. I experienced that the condom caused extra friction and made intercourse painful for me. So I absolutely can't stand using condoms, they also dry me out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u guys for your reply answering some questions asked by u all
Yes i was a virgin..well the pain is when he tries to enter it is like something is tearing apart then he just stops as he cant see me in so much pain..well i have tried using librication also..i heard xylocaine helps does it really brings down the pain should i try it?
His size is not so big it must be around 4.5 - 5 inches. hymen i have not bled during an intercourse does tat means my hymen is still intact? but have experienced the too much pain just when he tries to enter its like something is tearing..i am so scared to visit a gynaec also will she also be putting things inside my vagina will it pain ??
really goin crazy i feel so low all the time wonder why god has made me like this..sex is suppose to be pleasurable not painfull rite?
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (2 June 2010):
I'm guessing that you have never slept with anyone else right?
First time sex for a girl almost always hurts because we are born tight! It happens to nearly every girl. But if it was gonna hurt for that long, then people would never have sex right?
Tips on how to make it hurt less:
Take it slow
Relax and you won't tense up
Use lube if need be to help it in
Plenty of foreplay prepares the body for sex
It'll get less and less painful and after a few times will start to become pleasureable =]
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A
male
reader, RyanS +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Hi, you must visit a doctor asap because if you love your husband, sex should not be painful. You may have a vaginal muscle problem where there is no elasticity and hence the pain. Take care!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): What kind of pain is it? You should get checked out. It could be you have cysts in your reproductive organs that need to be removed, or could even be cancerous. Other than that, have you had sex before? Do you stop him when you try having sex? As odd as this sounds, you may not have broke your hymen. My fiance was my first and I was in extreme pain for months during sex. We did it daily, but it still hurt terribly every single time. I would always stop him because I couldn't take it. Finally, one day I just sucked it up (and he was using a weird twisted condom that day, as well) and suddenly it hurt really badly and I bled. After that, no more painful sex. I now love sex. Since you've been married for a year, I doubt that's the case. Still, get it checked out hon. That isn't normal.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 June 2010):
You should definitely see your doctor if you do not find a solution to this problem. A sexless marriage so young is not good, not for him, you, or the marriage. Sex is an important part of a relationship. But before I can help you you need to tell me more, so here are a few questions for you:
Were you a virgin until you were married, and was he a virgin too?
How big is he? Measure his length and girth (thickness) when he is erect.
How many times during this year have you had sex, and how long in between each time?
Are you aware that the first time hurt for about 90% of all women?
Where do you experience the pain, and do you bleed during intercourse?
Do you have foreplay, and have you ever had an orgasm?
Have you talked about this with your husband and what are his thoughts?
If you can't/wont answer these questions it is hard for us, and for a doctor as well I can imagine, to help you. But the most common problem is: 1) it always hurts for a virgin to have sex the first two/three times 2) there is not enough lubrication, so you need to either have more foreplay so you are wet and moist, or use lubricant 3) the man is too big, which causes friction in the vagina upon entering, this friction can also result in bleeding and small cuts that needs time before they heal 4) if you were a virgin and had longer periods between the first times you have sex, your vagina never adjusted to the penis and it will continue to hurt
If you suspect it is one of the above, please come back for further advice. If it is none of the above it could be you have a more serious issue which you will need to see your doctor about. But, include your husband in this. The more he understands, the more he will be able to help you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): You need to go and see a Gynaecologist so that if there are medical problems they can be sorted out. Alternatively a Sex Therapist to help you overcome you inhibitions with regards to sex.
Make sure you have lots of lube when trying to have sex with hubby.
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