A
female
age
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*ruzenChris
writes:I am going to try to make this long story as short as possible. I've been married for over 36 years and have 2 grown children. My husband and I have been together since high school. He was my first real love. I built everything around him. We have a lovely home, lovely children and for the most part happy together. He's sweet, caring, and a good provider. Ten years ago, my husband had surgery for a prostate tumor. Since then he's had problems with erections. Our sex life was wonderful, till the surgery. He tried Viagra and that did not work. My husband became more and more unaffectionate. Sex is virtually nonexistent. He will not try pleasuring me. It feels more like I'm living with a roommate than a lover/spouse. There is no passion or romance. Anytime he kisses me its just a peck, no cuddling, no holding hands. I don't like going on vacation with him because that is the only time he approaches me. Not sure why, when he can do that anytime at home. I spoke to him on this matter several times, he just gives me excuses and we end up in a fight.Anyway, I have never thought about any other man, until now. I met this wonderful man from another country, on the internet and ended up cheating on my husband. It was innocent at first. We started chatting, send pictures and talking on the phone. Just so you know, there's a lot of sex talk that goes on in text messages. We seem to have such a connection, and so much in common. We feel we are soul mates. That we were meant for each other.He's sweet, kind, handsome, quick witted, fun, exciting, has a high sex drive and open to many things - all the things that that I love about him. He compliments me all the time which makes me feel good. He makes me feel loved and wanted. My husband doesn't do that anymore. He is an amazing lover and friend and I just keep telling myself "one more time and then I will end this" but it never does. To make matters worse I love them both but in different ways. Ok, the unthinkable happened, one thing led to another and we met. We had a sexual encounter. Since that night, it's become even more physical and intimate. We chat daily on line. We try to arrange other meetings just to be together. I know I shouldn't have had an affair with this man, being I'm married and all. On one hand I feel bad and on the other I enjoy every minute of it. I feel awful cheating on my husband, but I can't seem to say no to this guy who will give me everything I need. He says he has fallen in love with me and wants me a life together, even marry me. He is willing to give up his marriage of 20 years just to be with me. I can easily see myself living with this guy. I know he is a perfect partner for me, but do not have the first clue about how to handle the situation. I am scared of the consequences. One part of me has this strong desire to leave my husband to start a new life with this man, and the other part tells me I should just stick it out and live my life as it is. I am confused and don't know where to turn. Do I stay or do I go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Ok so your husband got prostate tumors (cancer) and has since then had trouble with sex. So you decided to cheat on him because you want sex.... I'll be honest, I don't like that one bit.
Also comparing your husband of decades to a new lover whom you barely know compared to your husband is unfair. Of course you feel this way towards your new toy boy; had you known him for three decades, you would feel different.
I suggest you end the affair immediately, admit the whole thing to your husband and then seek marriage counseling to sort your issues out.
A
male
reader, unclebiggs1 +, writes (3 August 2010):
First, Thanks for being real super honest and vulnerable here. Second, I can really empathize with you. My wife barely has sex with me and I've got some pretty hardcore raging hormones. I get why and how people can cheat. I can honestly say that I've considered it. And I've considered divorce. Individuals have needs. i get where you are coming from.
But I'd like to speak some truth into this situation. When you married your husband, it was for better or worse, right? So right now you're in a time of "worse," but it's actually what you signed on for.
Having the affair was not the best thing you could have done. You know that deep inside, otherwise you wouldn't be conflicted about the situation. Sure it's exciting, it's fresh, it's dirty. It feels right. You love the way it makes you feel. Not what you're getting at home with your husband. Still, you married your husband. You committed to him. So the affair wasn't the best decision. But its not the end of the world either.
Also, you know, somewhere in the back of your mind, that if you divorce your husband, and your boyfriend divorces his wife, and then you two get married, the same thing could happen again. Or it could go way even worse.
It seems to me that if your husband would start being the man he once was, and taking care of business with you, you'd drop your boyfriend and stay with him. Which tells me that you really want your marriage to work and your relationship with your boyfriend is more about sex and how you feel.
So here's the deal, honestly, you need to drop your boyfriend. Cut all ties with him. Not because he's a bad guy, but he's too much of a distraction for you to be in your life at all. Renew your vows to your husband (probably privately). I don't know if you should tell your husband or not. It depends on if it will cause more harm than good. Definitely don't do it just to clear your conscience. A good rule of thumb for things like this is to not keep secrets from your spouse. But that doesn't mean you volunteer information either. If they directly ask you about it, you can say, "I'll tell you, but you could be really hurt by it. Do you still wanna know." Then be honest. Otherwise, be his wife. If he can only do it away from the house, don't say no. Just go on more vacations. One or two nighters.
You committed to this man. No one ever said marriage was easy. You signed up for the hard stuff, errr... the difficult stuff. Stay with it. Stick it out. Your job is to serve him and his is to serve you- but here's the catch, neither depends on the other person upholding their end of the deal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): "...Will my new lover cheat on me, if and when I do decide to live with him? Honestly, I don't think so. He doesn't seem the type. So, I think the answer would be a no!..." i cannot but look at the irony and hypocracy of this.
both you and your lover are married. enough said.
so you are not even fazed by having an affair with a married man. enough said.
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reader, CruzenChris +, writes (3 August 2010):
CruzenChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPractical ~
Yes, my husband is depressed that he can longer perform and have sexual relations.
However, that should not stop him from holding my hand, hugging me, or even kissing me. Or complimenting me.
Female Reader ~
Just to let you know, I rarely get unhappy. Takes a lot.
And to be honest with you, I have thought about the cheating part. I have never, ever ever cheated. I know full well that the affair is serious stuff. Not just fun.
This is a first. I have thought about the what if's. Will my new lover cheat on me, if and when I do decide to live with him? Honestly, I don't think so. He doesn't seem the type. So, I think the answer would be a no!
I know full well cheating is wrong. I didn't plan on it, it just happened. You are right I am in my 50's. My lover says the same thing you did. About being happy for the rest of our lives. Why stay in an unfulfilling. relationship? The world doesn’t need more married couples for the sake of having married couples - the world needs more happy people! Divorce is difficult. This is one of the reasons why couples all over the world choose to stay in unhealthy or unfulfilling marriages.
Nightfairy ~
If I couldn't satisfy my husband due to a medical condition. I would allow him to seek it somewhere else.
Thank you Stella!
Having the affair has brought back life. I feel so much, sexy, wanted, loved. It feels good!
If an affair strengthens a marriage, I am all for it.
Lookingforwisdom ~
Have to say, I don't and never will blame my husband for his cancer. This was the worst thing to have happen in our lives. So to say that, was extremely rude and uncalled for.
TimmD ~
Maybe your right. Maybe I am being selfish and thinking of my needs and wants now. I dunno. Guess you can say I desire more from my marriage.
And yes, having no intimacy in our marriage does get him down. That he can't satisfy me. That is why I never bring up the subject nor make advances towards me. However, on numerous occasions I mentioned about holding hands, hugging, and kissing. Which hasn't helped.
Some hugging, holding one another, and passionate kiss now and again. That's all I'm asking for.
Male Reader ~
Thank you for looking at it at both angles.
I keep thinking, will I make a big mistake if I decide to end my marriage?
Or, will I be making a huge mistake if I end my affair?
I think I will see a counselor.
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A
female
reader, CruzenChris +, writes (3 August 2010):
CruzenChris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPractical ~
Yes, my husband is depressed that he can longer perform and have sexual relations.
However, that should not stop him from holding my hand, hugging me, or even kissing me.
Female Reader ~
Just to let you know, I rarely get unhappy. Takes a lot.
And to be honest with you, I have thought about the cheating part. I have never, ever ever cheated. This is a first. I have thought about the what if's. Will my new lover cheat on me? Honestly, I don't think so. He doesn't seem the type. So, I think the answer would be a no!
I know full well cheating is wrong. I didn't plan on it, it just happened. You are right I am in my 50's. My lover says the same thing you did. About being happy for the rest of our lives. Why stay in an unfulfilling. relationship? The world doesn’t need more married couples for the sake of having married couples - the world needs more happy people!
And don't get me wrong, I know full well that the affair is serious stuff. Not just fun.
Nightfairy ~
If I couldn't satisfy my husband due to a medical condition. I would allow him to seek it somewhere else.
Thank you Stella!
Having the affair has brought back life. I feel so much, sexy, wanted, loved. It feels good!
If an affair strengthens a marriage, I am all for it.
Divorce is difficult. This is one of the reasons why couples all over the world choose to stay in unhealthy or unfulfilling marriages.
Lookingforwisdom ~
Have to say, I don't and never will blame my husband for his cancer. This was the worst thing to have happen in our lives. So to say that, was extremely rude and uncalled for.
TimmD ~
Maybe your right. Maybe I am being selfish and thinking of my needs and wants now. I dunno.
And yes, having intimacy does get him down. That he can't satisfy me. That is why I never bring up the subject nor make advances towards me.
Guess you can say I desire more from my marriage.
Some hugging, holding one another, and passionate kiss now and again. That's all I'm asking for.
Male Reader ~
Thank you for looking at it at both angles.
I keep thinking, will I make a big mistake if I decide to end my marriage?
Or, will I be making a huge mistake if I end my affair?
I think I will see a counselor.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (2 August 2010):
So, if you were in an accident and were confined to a wheelchair, I guess you'd think itd be just fine if your husband left you for another woman. Afterall, you cannot "perform" like you used to. What is he supposed to do afterall?Honestly, the selfishness of some of the people who write here staggers me. 36 years of marriage and two children, then when he needs you most you go and cheat on him. Honestly, I cannot view that as anything other than repugnant.
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reader, Practical  +, writes (2 August 2010):
how about u try couples therapy with your husband before trying to leave?
he maybe depressed and that's why he doesn't show any affection..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): It wasn't just a mistake to cheat on your husband, but it was a mistake to start a new relationship without being over the current one.
You want happiness? In order to be happy in any relationship, you need to be happy with yourself first. If you're that unhappy with your relationship with your husband, get divorced. Break it off with the new guy. Get your shit together and be comfortable with yourself (which I'm sure you think you are, but the "symptom" of having an extramarital affair says that, deep down, you're not). And THEN attempt a new relationship.
I also would have suggested counseling for you and your husband, but it may well be too late for that.
As an aside, I wonder - if you leave your husband to be with this guy and he leaves his wife - how long will it be before one or both of you cheats again? How long will it be before one or both of you thinks the other is cheating? How often will one or both of you check your texts and chat logs to see if the other is cheating? How much trust will there be in that relationship? Anyone who cheats WITH you will cheat ON you.
And who's to say he will actually leave his wife? If you leave your husband, it has to be because you don't want to be with him, NOT because you want to be with this other guy because there are no guarantees that this other guy will be leaving his wife. Most cheating guys who are asked to make a choice will choose to stay with the wife.
Ask yourself: Is it really that you want to be with this other guy or is it the thrill and excitement of someone new or just the sneaking around? When there's no sneaking around any more, will it still be exciting? Are you in love or just infatuated?
Hmmm. Lots to think about. Frankly, if you and your husband can't do counseling at this point, I think you should consider it for yourself. IMO, you need something more than a random message board on the Internet.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): He is going through a hard time now, you should comfort him, not cheat on him. Imagine yourself being in his position. Would he cheat on you? If you want to be with this other guy fine, go, but leave your husband then. He doesn't deserve this. I don't want to sound cruel or anything but you need either to stop your cheating and be true to your husband or leave him and let him find someone who'll love and care for him. All the best to you and do the right thing.
NightFairy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): I completely disagree with what TimmD said. It seems to be alright when men cheat or leave their wives after she puts on weight but its a sin when women do the same? Give me a break.
Look you cheated and that was very very wrong. I am sure you know this. However, your needs are not being met by your husband. You have been a good and faithful wife to him for over 30 years and now its him that is acting selfishly. Yes, he went through a tumour and erectile problems however that doesn't mean he should stop from giving you affection or even pleasuring you in other ways. Oral sex, toys, fingers, etc etc the list is endles and women don't always require a penis to satisfy them.
As I said, you were wrong to cheat. What you should of done was talk to your husband, tell him your needs were not being met and set a deadline for him ti start doing so. If he didn't you should have walked away and THEN found another man.
Right now, I suggest that you leave your husband. Normally, I push for honesty but in this case , I suggest that you do NOT tell your husband about the affair as it WILL make him feel awful and then you should leave. Be with the other guy or be single it doesn't matter. You ONLY get one life. Just this one and you cannot waste time in a crappy relationship, where there is no sex. You don't say how old you are but I'm going to guess somewhere between late 40's early 50s. Don't waste your time. Go out there and have great sex.
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reader, Lookingforwisdom  +, writes (2 August 2010):
I couldn't agree more with TimmD. What you are considering doing to your husband is, frankly, disgusting. For him to not be able to please you do to repercussions of an illness, and you blaming him for this, it's just awful. I can't believe anyone would be that selfish. I really feel bad for your husband. Take TimmD's advise if you don't want to be seen as an absolute witch by your husband of 36 years, and if you don't want to alienate your children.
All that not to mention you'll be runing this other guys marriage. Breaking a lot of hearts and ruining 2 families for your own benefit. Just ask yourself if you are that kind of person and then make your decision I guess...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): I think you should book sexual counseling with your husband.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Let's see, your husband is suffering from repercussions due to a prostate tumor and because of this you feel you are not getting to physical stimulation you desire, right? You know your husband has it in him because of your sex life before the tumor. I'm sorry, but it sounds to me you are being incredibly selfish. I'm not saying you should live your life in misery, but to be with someone for 36 years and then to just find someone else is bad. Sure, you end up fighting when you discuss it and I understand, but what you need to understand is that it isn't easy for your husband. When you have trouble with erections, it's not just physical, is mental. The whole idea of sex turns him off, that includes the little things.Before you cheated I'd have suggested pushing really hard for counseling between you two. Now? Now things are much more complicated, but if you are seriously considering leaving your husband after all this time? Wow, maybe your husband is better of without you.I'm sorry to sound so judgmental, but this is terrible. If it's advice you are looking for then my advice is end it completely with this other man and beg for forgiveness from your husband. Then do whatever is needed to repair your relationship with your husband. Yes, part of the problem stems from him... but what happened to him doesn't justify adultery.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): Well I can see both sides here. Your husband probably doesn't show affection because he knows that he can't perform. It's not his fault if it's a medical problem. I can see where you would be missing that connection but I think your going about it the wrong way. Your cheating is going to ruin two marriages not just one. I know that everything you and your lover have discussed sounds great right now, but it's going to be alot different when it's reality and not fantasy. 36 years is a long time to just throw away over another man. I think your makng a huge mistake. If you want to leave your husband you need to tell him. Don't wait until you get caught cheating.
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