A
male
age
41-50,
*b129
writes:My wife and I have not made love in quite some time. Between the two kids, job stress, general tiredness, various health issues etc., it has just fallen off of the map for way too long. Now the question of how to bring it back - I think things have settled down enough that it's viable for me to ask/try. Do you think it is best approached with conversation or with physicality? And then when? During the early nighttime hours, after the kids are asleep but before we go upstairs to bed? Or better approached after we're in bed? Sorry if this seems like a silly question? But it really has been a long time since we've been intimate, and I'm nervous about asking or trying at this point. I believe our relationship to be functionally healthy, except for the lack of sex. I do a large share of the "home" work such as cooking, cleaning, putting the kids to bed, dealing with overnight wake-ups etc. I do appreciate her and compliment her, give her massages etc.. But she's never been the one to intiate sex, and from the time our second child was born, the stress in our lives just took a big peak upward. But now it seems to be on the way down. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2011):
 I echo everyone else. You are overdue for a getaway! Get a hotel room, of if you have the money, take a few days at a nice bed and breakfast, or if you are better of financially, go to Vegas, or Aspen, or Hawaii, or somewhere away from the daily grind. A second honeymoon is a huge marriage (and sexual) revitalizer!
If you can't do any of that, the best thing to do is to set the table throughout the whole day. If you wait until you both are in bed, she'll be tired and worn out. Sex is a mental pursuit as well as a physical one. Leave love notes for her...call her and tell her that you can't wait to see her. You sound like an outstanding husband to be helping out with housework and such!
But big time -- the getaway. You both really need one. Even if it's inexpensive, it's perfect marriage medicine!
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 October 2011):
 It will takes some time to build the intimacy back up. You first have to connect with her on a non-physical level.
Communication is going to be key on your part. Show interest in her as her own unique person, not just a Mom and Wife. Does she have a hobby she has let go? Encourage her to have her own "down time" to recharge.
Just let her know that you want to be a closer couple in all ways-only when you are closer verbally and emotionally again can you ask her to share in the "intiating".
Show affection that is not connected to wanting sex. Greet her every time you come home with a kiss. Be happy to see her. Appreciate her for what she does for you, your family and your home. (Which you mention you do! Fab! Keep it up!)
Those are all the little things that build up her desire to want to be close to you. When you are close friends again, suggest a regular date night with just the two of you. It does not have to be anythings costly or fancy. Just time the two of you dedicate to yourselves. It might be a walk together, having a glass of wine together at the end of the day (no talk of kids, work, finances, etc!) where the two of you connect.
If you can, plan an overnight (send the kids off to friends, or get a sitter and take off just the two of you!)
Let her know that TIME ALONE with her is just as important to you as SEX. Otherwise, you are just going to pressure her and she will feel like you are seducing her just to get your release. She will put up walls if she feels you are just wooing her to have access to her parts.
Get in her head, under her skin and in her heart before you attempt to get in her pants.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Hmmm...if you two are still affectionate then maybe a nice dinner out to discuss it (after a lovely time is had by all) is in order.
or you could just kind of snuggle up to her if that's normal behavior and maybe suggest that it's time for more adult pursuits..
how cool that it's been so long you are too shy to talk about it... sort of like your first time all over again!
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A
male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 You need to get some time with just you and your wife. Take her out to a nice evening out, or surprise her with dinner for two at home, maybe even get her a nice gift.
I would initiate it physically, maybe a massage or something? Simple touching like that can say more than "want to have sex tonight?" can.
If she's just not interested at all though, perhaps then it's time to talk with her. You're married and have children, you shouldn't feel nervous getting intimate with your wife. But you never know, she might be in the same shoes as you and wondering how to go about initiating it.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (13 October 2011):
Before u physically do anything, get her in the mood. Continue to complement her and tell her how u feel. Make her feel beautiful with your words...and even flirt with her not to have sex though just show her extreme desire and love. When you lay in bed at night cuddling her, stroke her arm and hair not leading to sex. When giving her the next massage let it be while shes nude and preferably after a bath or shower. Let her lie in the bed face down and you straddle her without ur weigh being on her. Kiss her gently on cheek, forehead and back. Then apply some warming massage oil to your hands so that when you began to massage her the heat relieves whatever tension she may have. Work all her muscles including her inner thigh and glutes. But do not initiate sex. Let your massage be slow. And even give her infrequent compliments while doing the massage so that she may see its authentic. The next evening massage her feet and toes....make sure you use the correct pedicure type materials when giving her the foot massage bc it can truly feel divine. You can get those items at Walmart or any store really. Maybe for the weekend plan you something special. Leave little romantic notes around where only she may find and make it sweet and short. The key is to stimulate her mentally first. Throughout the day even while the kids are awake u can romance her with your words and hugs. Make sure to have weekly or biweekly date nights. Then finally verbally express that you have missed her intimately and being so connected with her. And tell her you want to make love to her. Let her know that u desire to love her mind and body. And you want to please her in that department as well as another other void she may be feeling. I would have this conversation away from the kids not necessarily in bed bc if she's not feeling sexual it could seem like pressure and it would feel awkward. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 I suggest a date night, at least once a week.
Hire a baby sitter, or even better can your kids stay with someone?
Take her out, give her notice so she can have time to plan (she will appreciate this, she will like to spend time getting ready, thinking about her outfit and generally having some time to pamper herself so she feels like a woman not just a mum) ask what she would like to do (and then take her to where she would love to go) treat her like you did before you were married, before you had children and don't expect sex on the first date. In other words don't make it about sex, make it about lavishing her with the attention she deserves.
The more caring and loving you are towards her the more she will be drawn to you. I think in times like this it's about re-kindling romance at first, and enjoying each others company.
You sound like a wonderful husband, you obviously care a great deal about your wife's feelings and support her fully. I'm sure after a few "dates" things will flow in the bedroom once again.
I hope it all goes well for you
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