A
female
age
36-40,
*ailglitter18
writes:Hey all, I need help! I'm stumped.I've been married 2 years to a great guy... lately we've been having some problems. Well, not really problems - life is just HARD! (I realize this is one of those revelations that few people receive :P ) Anyway, my big problem, which is making things worse, is the sex. I can't get going, and I haven't been able to the last few times. It's frustrating for both of us. I was never really a 'ready-to-go-on-a-dime' kinda girl, but not being able to have sex was never an issue.Now we can't, or if we do, it's painful. This isn't a medical issue - I have a clean bill of health. 'Twould seem to be in my head.What do I do?! Last night it turned into a big fight. Well, not a fight - just a pissed off 'roll over and silently go to sleep' thing. Which breaks my heart, because it's not as if I do these things on purpose! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 December 2010):
Hi there. Apart from the problems with sex, is everything else ok in your relationship, generally speaking?
Do you agree on most things (non sexual), and can talk about lots of different things and not argue?
The reason I ask, is often problems in the bedroom are nothing to do with sex at all.
Do you work long hours at work, and then come home exhausted?
If this was it, fatigue would put you out of the mood for sex, for sure.
If you used to be in the mood for sex before, but somehow now, you never feel like it, then you have to try and pinpoint at what point things seemed to change.
You said it's only been the last few times. Now you have to work out what happened in your life recently.
It might even be as simple as there isn't enough foreplay before the actual sex.
You have said there isn't a medical reason for this, so you are in good health, I assume.
Perhaps you just aren't thinking enough about it when it's happening. You might be feeling distracted while foreplay is going on, so you just aren't lubricating. You might be thinking about what you've got to do at work tomorrow, or some other distracting thought. This would definitely get in the way of arousal.
It does seem like a thought problem. Your mind isn't thinking about sex at all, so you are not becoming stimulated enough for sex to comfortably take place. The bottom line is you are not turned on to it. You are just not there mentally.
Making love is a very present moment thing, and if your mind isn't on the job, then you won't be fully aroused and consequently, your vagina will be dry. This is why you are finding sex very painful - because of dryness!
Whenever you are in the foreplay stage of lovemaking, you need to be thinking about what is happening to your body, otherwise you won't feel the subtle tingly feelings in your genitals as they build up. When these tingly feelings happen, the moisture is starting to flow, which will then allow comfortable penetration with an absence of pain.
Your husband could use some kind of lubricant from a chemist - like KY gel - this will then help you in future. It's slippery effect is instant. Perhaps you could buy a tube, it will help. You may only need it sometimes, not all the time. Just those times you seem to be distracted by work thoughts etc. At least there will be no more pain.
A
female
reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 First of all it isnt your fault and he needs to understand that. He is acting like an A$$ for being so mean about it. Maybe try buying lube, or those sex gels that stimulate arousal haha. Try new things.
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