A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright so this is the situation:I was drinking with a bunch of guys at the bar, and a girl who mutually knew my friend came along. Her and I ended up chatting and having quite the conversation regardless how loaded I was but my friend ended up sleeping with her, which was not an issue at all at the time. Later on when school starts in September, she ends up in my class. she didnt even sit next to me/ make eye contact with me in class, I think she knew that I knew about her and my friend. being the nice guy out of my group of friends, I went up to her and thanked her for the ride. she ends up hanging out with us,after classes, and my friend is being a total d-bag to her, sending clear statements that he doesnt like her. we swapped numbers one day for reasons relating to notes from class. She ends up texting me alot, being extremely very flirty and what not, I was quite apathetic about women aroudn that time, so I decided to hook up with her. She paused while we were hooking up and she thought that I was trying to use her because she slept with my friend, I lied and pretended I never knew and continued. Day after her and I went for drinks and just talked, she seemed really into me, i didnt know what to think. next week we started having sex, we told absolutely no one about this. from then she would never stop looking at me in class, and she would always text me. She would always try to persuade me she wasnt expecting much of this which was cute because i knew she liked me from the instant we hooked up. She would even tell me shes alwyas thinking about me. third week in she told me she actually liked me, and I started liking her, alot. alot. alot. She told me she had a fwb and ended it with him in july/august, which was no big deal, but there was a nasty rumor spreaded that she had a bf around the timeso i had to confront her about this...I am not bothered by it at all now that the rumor is truly false, but the fact that one of my best friends had slept with her bothers me now that i really like her, and I cant discuss this with anyone else.Am I stupid/mean for doing this to her? Im starting to feel bothered by this incident, and shes starting to fall for me deeply, and I am, but this is getting in the way and its tearing me apart. Please help, sorry for the lengthy description.
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female
reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 That confuses me. If this happend 4 yrs ago and you havent gotten over it then there is a problem. But maybe I read it wrong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the support guys, we worked things out. She seems really sorry about it. But should this bother me if it were four years ago?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): I agree with almasdp. You handled it completely the wrong way. But your basic decision was probably what you need to stick with.
You are feeling major hurt over her past. The ugly truth is that hurt usually never leaves as long as you're with someone. If you can't put the hurt aside then this is permanent. And I mean you would need to REALLY put it aside today as in cope with it and accept it today. Not just frantically push it out of your mind for a while and hope it will hurt less later on by magic. It's never just gonna go away like that. It will probably just get worse the more you care about her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: We were having a great conversation yesterday, and then she told me about her past and it bothered me. She told me she had a threesome and then I told her I couldnt see myself with her anymore and decided to end it, I am onboxiously replused by it and I cant seem to get over it. She was really sorry and told me it was 4 years ago and she didnt even like it and it was a mistake etc etc, then she told me something else:
That night when she slept with my best friend, he was extremely rough to her. She couldnt walk for two days after they slept; and the reason why we didnt have sex the first time we hooked up was because she thought i would do the same to her.
I was completely stunned with this, I didnt know what to think. Why would a girl acknowledge her mistakes and still end up in them? It totally came off to me that shes the kind of girl whose into the guys that treat her like dirt at the moment, so I freaked out, I didnt know what else to think and I kicked her out of my house while she was clinging on to me crying her eyes out, and now I feel like the biggest douche.
I really hurt her, the fact that she can sleep next to me for more than 6 hours is a miracle. She has been hurt in the past with multiple partners cheating on her, and I promised myself I would never be the other guy to hurt her like that.
And now I completely crushed that trust she once had, that was very hard to get.
I want to forgive her I really do, but Im thinking if my friends know were together, and my best friend says the wrong thing to me about her, I will destroy him.
Something is telling me to forgive her, because she really likes me, and something is telling me to let it go. I have never liked a girl this much.
I sincerely appreciate your advice guys and girls, and could use some more before this is too late.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Most people, especially men, are not designed to be okay with their partner having slept with other friends of theirs. It's nature. All the other reasons and circumstances about the situation are interesting but this feeling would be there one way or another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Hi there, sorry you are so tormented by this. first of all you and your girlfriend both have a past, and thats what it is a past. your gf has fallen for you. when we fall in love and it is true love we as humans tend to think of that one special one and noone else compares. dont ruin this by thinking of her past hookups. she is with you and only you. im worried about your feeling for her though. if you truelly like and respect her you would not keep it a secret. if you think more of what your friends will think, then maybe you should think long and hard on whether you are old enough to enter into a sexual relationshhp and all the emotions and feelings they entail with them. good luck
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (6 December 2010):
It shouldnt bother you. I know easier said then done! She did it before she knew she could feel that way towards you. Honestly maybe just try tlking to her about it. Dont be mean or judgemental. Tell her you really like her, but it bothers you. Maybe ask why things didnt go further with you two that nite. If the guy wsant your friend, you wouldnt care. HE used her.
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