A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, all.I’d like some advice about my husband. We’ve been together 2 years, and the problem is, he has a real issue with sex. At first, I thought it was sweet and that he was trying to be nice, but I have come to realise that it isn’t that. We used to see each other once a week, and he seemed pretty enthusiastic about having sex then, but now he reluctantly does it once a week with the air that it’s a chore. I asked him why we used to have it more, and he says that at the time he ‘felt he had to’. I asked him to go to the doctor and there is nothing wrong with him. He isn’t gay, he isn’t having an affair and I am in shape and think I am attractive in the normal way. I asked him if he has gone off me because if it was that I would rather leave, but he says it’s not that, he just doesn’t think sex is important. But it is important to me.I have begun to feel very depressed and ugly, angry and frustrated. I told him this, and he said I could have sex with other people if it was that important to me. I said I did not want that, and that it would destroy our relationship. It is also against my beliefs. He says he wants children, and I asked him how he expected me to have them if he only wants 'quickie' sex once every 2 or 3 weeks. He just said “well I will have to make myself put up with it more often in that case”. Hardly the romantic words a woman needs to hear. He has also said that he would not care if I did not find him physically attractive (‘because it’s the inside that counts’) We don’t argue about anything else but this, and the rows are getting more frequent. On the rare times we do have sex, he gives me ‘appointments’ - he tells me he will have sex with me at, say, 10 pm on a Friday night, but it can’t last any longer than half an hour ‘or he will get bored’.Believe it or not, despite this he is a lovely man, who will do anything for me but this and he does not seem to realise he is being hurtful. When I raise the issue, he refuses to discuss it and tells me I am ‘starting arguments’. I want to scream because he can’t see that it is HIM starting arguments.I can’t live my life without sex, so I don’t know what to do. I am only 30 and feel like I am ugly, withered and dying, and so alone. He also has Asperger’s Syndrome for anyone who knows what that is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): It's funny you say all that story then at the end oh he has aspergys syndrome which is the main and probably only reason he's like that...my younger brother has the same condition and my older brother has SPD , people with autism are very selfish, as u know that they can't help that, and he is probably not and can't think of your needs, tbh I think u should have thought about issues lk this before marrying him, I find it hard living with my brother although being married to someone lk himI know I sound harsh but I've been round autism my whole life, most of my brothers friends have it, they are so nice, i love them but none of them have girlfriends because women find their behaviour very unusual but I'm used to it and understand themThe only suggestion I can give is trying to teach him that sex isn't just sex...like a physical act (which it is I know but he's not thinking outside the box) you need to ensure he realises marriage can't survive without love and intimacy, you need to tell him you need to feel loved and by having sex you feel that love between u, he probably knows this but doesn't understand the emotional link between it
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2013):
 Ok, I am going out on a limb here, my knowledge of Asperger's is superficial so I am probably going to be tarred and feathered out of Dear Cupid by Asperger's experts, but, FWIW,- don't take it personally, it's just an Asperger's thing.
Surely at least for what concerns the things that he says which upset you. Aspies are notoriously blunt and oblivious to social nuances , to what can be told as it is and what need to be softened etc, they always say just what they have in mind ( which, under some aspects, must be very refreshing and simplify life for those who live with them. No mind games ! ). He does not mean to hurt you , when he says he does not want to get bored. He just tells HIS truth .
Meager comfort !, you'll say , I feel even worse now ,
my husband finds sex boring- great.
Well, he does not find YOU uninteresting , it's the mechanism itself. From his point of view it makes perfect sense. In a way he is right.
Sex is a very simple, basic, unexceptional mechanism. Technically, few months after having become sexually active, you have already seen all there's to see, you can add all the variations you want, toss it and turn it as you like,
but basically is : insert piece X into piece Y, move it in a certain way for a few minutes, obtain effect Z. It's like a very simple chemistry experiment. All what makes it every time new and mysterious and exciting, - WE add it, it's a mental and emotional thing. We put into it tons of things, the game of seduction, and power struggles, dominance and submission, and our need for reassurance, and for tenderness and protection, our naughtiness and rebellioussness, and camaraderie and affection and playfulness, and and and...but basically it is a very symple salad to whom WE add a lot of ingredients without even knowing we do.
Now, Aspies have this great capacity for streamlining things, for getting to the chore, to the essential, for " just the facts Mam ". It's not that they are not capable of feelings and emotions,- it's more that not necessarily they will associate them at things that they see as normal, practical, basic functions of everyday life.
It's a bit like ... cooking spaghetti : the first time, one can even marvel , and be impressed at how you put brittle hard sticks into boiling water and after 10 minutes you get out ... a soft, tangly mass of worms, -isn't that cool ? But once you've seen it a few times, no big deal, it's just spaghetti, it's SUPPOSED to be like this, yawn.
I know that my answer is not very encouraging nor very helpful because I have no solutions to suggest- but , it wanted to be encouraging in the intentions because it sounds like you think it's about you, you are not doing something right etc. No no, don't think that. I am sure that your husband loves you and likes you just as he should and more- just, in the way he knows and he is comfortable with.
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