A
male
age
51-59,
*oodGuyLast
writes:I was in a relationship with another guy for 7 years. It appeared to be perfect, however obviously not for him. He told me he wanted to be alone and 'find himself'. Within two months he started a relationship with another guy and seems to have moved on from me quite easily. It is now 7 months since I was dumped and I am still incredibly sad every day, thinking about him. Wondering what he's doing. I keep myself busy ALL the time, so I can't think about him. But cry each night and cry each morning. I have been on dates, but find myself comparing them to him. I joined a gym and buffed up in order to win him back. Losing a lot of weight in the process. I've begged him with no luck. Told him to leave me alone. Tried to make him jealous. Tried months with no contact. Tried inundating him with messages. Ripped up every photo of him. Thrown away every reminder of him. Told him I was moving a long way away - he just offered to buy my apartment! :o( I have tried everything to win him back and realise I am fighting a losing battle. A really nice guy has fallen in love with me and I am afraid of hurting this new one, although I don't love him and I have told him that I can't love him while my heart belongs to another. I know it won't work with this new one. But I hate being alone and feeling like this. It's a sad state of affairs and one I can see no end to. My ex sends me txt msgs - just friendly hope you are fine, what you doing type msgs. But I don't respond and have told him to please stop, as the msgs are a constant memory of what I have lost. This morning I received a Christmas card from my ex with kisses on. I want to hate him so much and to forget him. But I can't stop loving him. I live in hope that we will get back together. I don't know if my ex is still with his new guy, I presume so, as I haven't heard otherwise. I don't know what else I can do to make him love me again. My heart won't let me move on. I want to forget him but dont know how. I feel like I'm in a state of limbo. I feel guilty because I won't send my ex a christmas card or reply to his texts or should I? Being in love with someone who no longer loves you is agony and a relentless pain. Its 7 months and the pain I feel has not deteriorated at all.
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male
reader, GoodGuyLast +, writes (2 February 2013):
GoodGuyLast is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add if anyone is going through a similar problem as me. Please, please, please listen to the Aunts when they say NO CONTACT. I have stayed in contact with my ex via text and email and just hoping that he will see what we had, was not worth throwing away. But while it has eased his conscience, it is just destroying me. I haven't moved on in 8 months. Crying constantly. I have recently learned that the new man in his life is EXTREMELY rich and successful, so I have all but given up hope of a reconciliation. I'm not saying that it was the money that attracted him, but what chance do I have. His emails are filled with 'do you remember when we..." and "I'd like to meet you for dinner". I will stop all contact as from now and WISH I had done it 8 months ago. I realise that if he wanted to be with me he would be and because he's not, he doesn't want me. It's just so hard to give up on that glimmer of hope...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): Ok, tough love time. While yes, NO contact is the best way to shut out feelings of "we might get back together", you need to have a serious attitude change.
First, realize that he didn't want to be with you, and if he did now, he'd be making an effort.
Second, stop letting him define your life choices. Go the gym for YOU. Be busy or creative or lazy for YOU. Take time to appreciate yourself.
Third, stop stop STOP with the games to try and get him back. Again, if he wanted he'd try. If he isn't trying, he doesn't want to. Simple as that. You can't make him love you.
Moreover, this other guy who loves you, doesn't love you. I mean, he might "friend-love" you, but lets be real, he's infatuated with you.
However, don't rule him out without trying, if you are just upfront with the other guy, just be like, "I recently got out of a long-term relationship, and I don't know what I want from this, but I'm willing to give it s shot." Ok?
Cuz really, you need to stop with the "I'cant get him back!" And the "it's not use!" Thoughts, and just think "I cn move on!" And "I might as well try!"
Only you limit yourself.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Ah darling, you will happy again without him. It just takes time. Carry on with the no contact thing, or get it started right away if you haven't yet - it's crucial, like ripping off a bandaid quickly, it smarts but it's better for you. Really.
Keep going to the gym and other things as a distraction if nothing else. Have a little innocent flirt with guys just to boost your self esteem a bit (you ARE loveable). Stay close to your friends and please tell them that you're struggling at the moment; they will understand.
Onwards and upwards, and very best wishes for 2013 x
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A
male
reader, GoodGuyLast +, writes (26 December 2012):
GoodGuyLast is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the people who provided help to my problem. I will follow the advice suggested. I'm just so lost without him. Trying so hard to be positive, but I truly feel that I won't be happy again without him. I have vowed that from the New Year there will be no more tears. Have been praying the whole of Christmas for guidance, but my prayers remain unanswered and still feel empty. Please add me to your prayers and thanks once again for all the 'aunts' who have helped me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 December 2012):
 Well mourning a loss of 7 years commitment in 7 months may not be enough time and it's certainly not if you are still in contact.
You must sever all contact with the ex. Block phone numbers, block email, block social media.
snail mail is returned "return to sender adressee unknown"
(he will think you moved)
if he's with a new partner and he tries to seek you out after you have blocked him, then he's playing games.
as for the guy in love with you,
you have been honest with him
continue to be honest with him telling him you can't return his love and you wont' return his love but if you like his company then I can't see any harm in spending time with him as long as you continue to be honest and not get his hopes up... that means NO cuddling on the couch, no necking or petting... and no FWB with him...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 December 2012):
 I agree with the other aunts. The key to your healing is NO CONTACT.
It's really selfish of him to keep in touch with you and he needs to respect your privacy, since he was the one who moved on. It's none of his business what you are doing or how you are.
The only way to really cut the cord, is to change your number/e-mail and destroy any mail from him.
I think people keep touch because they don't want to face the guilt when they hurt someone. If you are the person left behind, it can be devastating and seriously chew up a huge chunk of your life.
Turn your attentions to other people, resolve to accept that things can never be as they were with him and that he does not, at this time, deserve your forgiveness or attention...you have new paths to travel and time is ticking.
I know from personal experience that this can be done, that it is possible to move on from heartbreak and that when you do...you look back and wonder what you saw in them!!
Have a very happy Christmas because you deserve it xxx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 December 2012):
Hello
It's not the best time of year to be single, and much worse when it's your first Christmas without your ex. You're bound to be feeling low, so don't beat yourself up about it but maybe resolve to move on in the New Year?
I can see why it's been hard to move on. He didn't give good reasons as to why he broke up with you. He was probably trying to be kind and not say anything negative about you, but wishy washy "I need to find myself" stuff doesn't help. Likewise he's still in contact with you: I guess he simply wants to be on friendly terms with you, but you're still in love with him and his texts aren't helping you move on.
I don't think you've fully accepted that it's well and truly over. Until that happens, you will be stuck in limbo and the pain won't get better. This is going to sound cheesy, but you have no control over him, only over yourself, so be firm and tell yourself it's time to move on. Throw his Christmas card in the bin if it helps, block his number or tell him outright not to contact you. It doesn't have to be forever and you might be able to have a friendship in a few years, but it's not possible now.
You will get over him and the pain will get less, but only once you really decide to move on. I know it's easier said than done, and I'm sorry you feel sad.
Best wishes X
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (21 December 2012):
 You haven't been able to get over him because you've never actually dropped the contact 100% to let yourself begin the healing process, until you do so your feelings won't change.Convincing yourself that he may come back to you and you can continue the relationship isn't going to make the ordeal any easier, it will only prolong it. You need to look at the realistic picture, as hurtful as it may be and realise that some things are just not mean't to be, take it as an experience, and learn from it. The hardest choice is sometimes the best one, so deleting him out of your life for the time being may be the best one at the moment, it doesn't have to be forever, just until you feel that you can move past your relationship.You cannot do anything to MAKE someone love you it happens by itself, especially if they fell in then out of love with you for a reason. Changing your physical appearance for someone isn't going to change the fact they don't find themself emotionally compatible with you.Put dating other people on hold for the time being if you find yourself comparing, it is important for you to find and love yourself independently first.Good luckx
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