A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My question is this..Is the following characteristic of a serial cheater?A man whose cell phone goes dead always over night and usually for 8-12 hours? He says he loves you but needs time to figure out why he is not happy....talks to girls and flirts with them in front of you but says he loves that it dont bother you...he is charming..funny.. smart and fits all you all say about serial cheaters accept he never owns up to it..if i confront him he gets angry..threatens to leave me. but never cries or asks forgiveness..is this behavior typical of a serial cheater?
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male
reader, Horne +, writes (17 January 2009):
Basic advice when dealing with someone you suspect of cheating is to never confront them until you are sure. Why? Because if you go off half cocked where all of it is based upon suspicion and maybe a good bit of your own insecurity, you lose either way. If he isn't, you've come across as little more than a jealous person. Repeat that behavior and it starts to get old being accused of things you're not doing. Do it enough you can drive someone away or drive them to do the very thing you're accusing them of. If he is, and you have no real proof, then all you really do is cause him to adjust his behavior to be more subtle and more deceptive in order to keep your suspicions at bay.
Jealousy is not an attractive trait. Being manipulated is not an attractive thought. You didn't give much information, but you did give enough to show that both of those things are at play here. You're jealous. He's manipulating you by threatening to leave when you confront him... sort of... training you to ignore his behavior out of fear that he will leave if you don't. To me that's more of a red flag than if he were actually cheating. I could deal with the cheating easier than years and years of emotional havoc.
Cheating today usually has a good bit of electronics involved with it. Computers, cell phones, text messaging, email, IM. Cheaters employ those items as well or even better than most folks. Those things also leave tracks. So if you want to catch him, you probably can do a little research and figure out how. The bigger question to me though is, what are you going to do if you do catch him. And if he's not, can you put away the insecurity that has you so upset now?
Those two questions are the questions you should be asking instead of whether or not his behavior is that of a serial cheater.
A
female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (17 January 2009):
 You definitely need to provide more information. I've had many lazy boyfriends, male friends, brothers and (just the one!) father who are very careless with their phone and recharging it. And I know without a shadow of doubt that none of them are cheaters!
I think there must be something else that has triggered this question, so I hope you'll share so that we can help further!
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (17 January 2009):
 Not really enough information here.
What does he do with his cell phone when he is with you? Some people just like to turn their cell phone off over night but if he is someone who is usually always contactable and then suddenly the phone goes off then that could be a problem.
"Owning up to it" is not generally something that serial cheaters do. Not a great strategy!
Confronting him is not going to work. If he is cheating it won't achieve anything unless you have rock solid evidence. If you are wrong and he isn't cheating then you are souring something good and you'll drive away a good man or possibly push him into cheating - one of my early (weak) justifications for cheating was "if I'm being accused of it, I may as well do it.". If you are right but you don't have the evidence then he will probably be able to pull off a convincing denial. I've also been cheated on (in last couple of weeks as it happens) and her denial was so convincing that I would absolutely have bought it and felt bad about accusing her if it wasn't that I had an hour long audio CD of her making love to someone else!
In any event do you really want a man who cries and begs your forgiveness?
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