A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,i am recently married (like two months ago).we have had a few hard times since we got married - my partner lost his job and we have been unable to pay our mortgage for two months.We have a baby son and he is not affected by this really - we are still buying food and stuff.i work part-time and my husband has had a few interviews. i have donw alot of over time and we are trying to get by but the bills are on hold.the problem is mainly - my husband has become very depressed and all we seem to do is argue. he would rather spend our last monies on going out with his mates than paying off other bills.every night lately we either spend it apart or he goes to his friends house to chill out so i feel very alone. we have no one to help us financially and we are selling our home and going to rent to cover our debts that we now owe.my husband has no energy (unless his friends are on the phone) but i am his wife and we are meant to stick together - this is meant to be one of the happiest times of my life but at the minute it's hell!!have you ever been in this situation before??how do i speak to a depressed husband who is acting quite selfish??i am very lonely - i work hard, i look after our beautiful son and look after a house. i am beginning to break down.the credit crunch has ruined me completely.thanks for reading xxx
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female
reader, Bliz  +, writes (24 July 2008):
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I must say that you are a very strong person to be working part time and caring for what appears to be two Dependants.
I was recently in a similar relationship with a man who was also depressed, emotionally distant, and spending a lot of money on himself at the expense of rent, groceries, electricity, his health, etc. It is a very difficult situation to be in, especially when you remember a time when your partner was just that, a partner.
First off, do you have any family members either living nearby, or who could come and help you care for your son (and also, care for you a bit too!)? Close friends, or any of his family member would be helpful here too. If you do not want to mention that your husband is not being supportive at this point, see if you can ask for help with your son. If not, try to see if there are any local organizations you could ask for assistance, even if it is temporary. There are some groups that will offer assistance in the way of childcare, groceries, or a sympathetic ear for free (of course, this website is a great place to start!).
I would also suggest opening a separate bank account. This was the one things that may have saved me from going into debt due to my partner’s depression. It may sound heartless, but these things can be the difference between groceries and starving when one partner feels the need to spend cash on their good time while ignoring their family. If possible, seek some financial counsel (in person or online). Do this with the hope that things will work out, but be prepared to leave yourself (and your son) with the option of leaving if this situation becomes unbearable. After all, there is no point in martyring yourself.
As for speaking to a depressed and selfish husband, start out talking about the tangible problems first, without being accusatory. For example, see if you two can make a financial plan to over your expenses while he is looking for work. Make sure he understands that this is a practical thing to do, and no judgement on him. After that, see if you can move onto a discussion about his mental health. Yes, he is going through a lot, but he is putting you through a lot, and that is not fair. Be understanding, but don’t let him think that he is the only person affected by this. If he keeps withholding communication, see if you can speak to a counsellor. Ideally, you both should go, but if not, go on your own, since it helps a lot during stressful times to have a calm, neutral party to talk to. It may be possible to find a counselor through a non profit organization.
In short, while you are trying to reach your partner, make sure that you create the option to protect yourself (and your son) if things continue to go sour.
I sincerely hope that he is able to sort himself out and that you are able to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with him.
All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): "NOTHING" you have nothing to do about it.., let him go.. you have son to take care of, if he want to be like that, to be depressed all the time then let him.. theres nothing you can do about it. live your life as you need it for your son. give him a space, put your attention and energy to somethings which is more needed than keep hoping for him to have interest again for this beautiful family you supposed to have now... good luck.. gladyz
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