A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some perspective on pregnancy towards what I should do. I was dating a woman for a few months, we were practicing safe sex, but a couple of times we didn't. She got pregnant, and decided to keep it. We broke up around the same time. That was 4 months ago. So now, here we are, two strangers, and she's asking me if I'm in or out.I'm trying to do whats right for me and the mother and the child, and there are so many things to consider. I'm definitely overwhelmed and scared and unclear about what to do.I've never been interested in children, I don't enjoy hanging out with children, nothing about children really interests me. I know nothing about raising children. I dont want this child nor do i want to navigate the complexities of learning to parent with a stranger. I don't need to hear "you should've thought of that" I get that, I'm trying to frame where I'm at.So we don't live together, we don't have a relationship and she's asking me if i want to be the father or not. I don't even know where to start to gain some clarity about what "responsibilities" I keep reading about in regards to this kind of situation. If we don't live together, am i supposed to go over every night or on the weekends? What are some of these responsibilities? I really am not interested in parenting a baby, but I can see myself interacting with a slightly older child like 5+ I do have gifts and passions to share, but changing shitty diapers ain't one of them. Is it wrong of me to say that I want to father on my terms, what feels right to me and not what society thinks?There are cultures where men participate very little in the upbringing of the children, and thats completely acceptable. This view of the atomic family isn't one i've inherited nor believe in, yet I do want to contribute and be there in a way that empowers me. What kinds of questions can I ask the mother about what she expects from me if I choose to participate given we dont live together?The fact that we're starting from a place where I don't want children, she does (Now, but didn't when we talked about these things), we're not together, makes this situation so complicated and confusing. I always thought children should only come into this world when two people love each other, I get irritated by this woman's behavior, let alone believe we should be bringing a child into the world. When i look into the future of all the details we might have to sort out, my stomach starts to turn.If you could offer some advice about how to move forward I'd appreciate any wisdom.thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your wisdom.
My mind keeps going to all the details we now have to sort out for the next 18 years...and its really making me freak out. Not only do we have to talk about parenting styles, but now all the schooling, as you mentioned visitation, all the activities, playing, and on and on...stuff i never wanted to have to deal with...
part of me keeps going, oh you'll learn about X or you'll learn about Y..surely those are good things...but none of it stems from truly wanting to be a 'parent' so i feel disingenuous to myself and the child. like i dont care about ultrasounds, or pablum, or any thing about babies or rearing children. So how do I honour myself and my feelings in this? I'm not going to say, yes, and feel trapped/forced to be something I'm not.
I feel like the only way I could ever say yes would be on my terms. Why does the mother get to define what the father does/contributes? it feels like society dictates that the only decision i get to make on my terms is whether i"m in or out, but if I say I'm in then all of a sudden the mother calls the shots. like you said above, "its doesn't work that way" which I respond, why? Why can't a man be honest and say, you know what, this isn't something I'm interested in and not going to do it. I'll do X Y Z and work on other things.
I know men that are interested in how the baby is growing, all the parenting type stuff, and I know men that aren't. Why is that bad or not acceptable?
ugh, as you can feel I'm angry and feeling trapped still, which makes me uncertain about which way to go. of course I want to make sure the child is healthy and well taken care of...
thank you for listening and not judging me,,,this is so crazy for me...
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 November 2010):
 Just want to second KC100's opinion. She clearly gets it, and has covered almost every point adequately.
The only point I would add is that if you are not in a relationship with the mother, she is going to start bringing home guys she's dating at some point. These won't be tpyical decent guys - the majority of them will be scumbags hoping for easy single-mother sex. *If* you're going to be involved with the child's life, be sure you work out in advance that if she's going to be bringing strange men into the house, she *must* leave the kid with you until you've met the guy and approve of him.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 November 2010):
 Well you have 2 options:
1. Dont be involved in the child's life and just fulfil your obligation to contribute financially.
2. Be part of the child's life and be a father to the best of your ability.
I do feel bad for you, I have had a male friend in a fairly similar situation recently (his girlfriend's pill 'failed' and she decided to keep the baby, he is only 25 and has just had to take a 25% pay cut due to the economy, and his girlfriend doesnt work - not the ideal time for a child!). It is very difficult for the man - you thought you were taking the correct precuations and you made it clear you did not want children, but because she is the female and carrying the baby, you get no choice in the matter as to what happens next. She has basically decided to change your life against your will, and that is of course going to be really tough for you.
So I will say this - as much as a child does need a father and the best thing you could do, morally speaking, is to be involved in the child's life - if you didnt want to be involved then it is completely understandable. You didnt want this child, you have expressed this to her therefore SHE has chosen to have the child. It has not been a joint choice therefore there is no real obligation on your part to become a 'father'. Legally you would have to contribute financially but aside from that, if you really feel you cannot do this right now and you absoultely dont want to be a father then just walk away. Pay what you have to, and leave it at that.
Or your other option, which would be the best for the child - is to step up and be a father to this child. Be in its life from the moment it is born, and do your best for the child. This is the hard option, it is going against everything you want at the moment, but this option does involve sacrificing 'YOU' and putting the child first. I'll try and go through your questions about pregnancy/being a father one by one:
1. Not knowing anything about raising children - no-one knows anything about raising children when it is their first one! Your ex-partner/mother of your child will feel the exact same way, it is very scary and at least you can share this together, you are both in the same boat with it being your first child. Generally with parenting the best you can do to prepare is read a few books (something like this will be good for you http://www.amazon.com/Dads-Survival-Guide-Man---Man/dp/0316159956/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1290765936&sr=8-3) and then the rest you just learn on the job! Every day with your first child is 'new', you just learn as you go and get better at it all the time.
2. Responsibilities. If you choose to be in the child's life then I would suggest you visit a lawyer and work out an access plan so you have a legally binding document signed by you and the mother of the child to make sure you get consistent access on specified days, so you get to see your child frequently and the child gets a consistent presence in his/her life. With you not being together as a couple, you could easily have a row or fall out and then she could stop you from seeing the child. Therefore having a access plan that has been worked up by a legal professional will mean she has to stick to her word and the plan. As for how often you will see the child - this is up to you and her to decide together. You could only see him/her at the weekends, or maybe weekends + 1 night during the week - it is up to you to decide on what works best for you. Look at your schedule and her schedule and decide when would be best for you to have the child. When it is a baby chances are you will have to go round to her house to see the child, but as it gets older and is not so dependent on its mum you could have the child round to your house to stay. So this is a discussion you need to have with your ex-partner and then with a lawyer to get it all finalised into a plan.
3. Babies. This is a normal feeling to have as a man (my boyfriend feels the same way!). When children are babies, they cannot do much and are not particularly interesting, whereas once they get to about 3 or 4 they become little people, with their own personalities, likes and dislikes, interests and they want to learn new things. So most men prefer them as they get older because they are useful and interesting. Whereas women like babies because that is what their instincts tell them - to protect and nurture the cute little baby. So dont worry that you dont feel particularly inclined towards babies, this is normal. However if you are going to be a real father to this child and be a positive influence in its life, you cannot just start taking an interest when he/she is 5 and not bother with anything before that. To get to the good bits you need to get through the bad bits, including changing diapers. You cannot just decide that you want the nice happy parts of being a dad and then leave the rest of the 'nasty' jobs to the mother - that is not how it works! The most important years of a child's life are between 0 and 2 years old, this is when you shape the child forever and anything that the child misses at this age will negatively impact it for the rest of its life. Therefore at this critical time you must be a positive influence in its life to make sure the child grows up to be a happy, balanced individual. The child needs constant contact with you from an early age to help it to recognise your voice, to feel the influence of a father figure. Have a look at this website, there will be some interesting stuff for you on here http://www.fatherhood.org/Page.aspx?pid=242
4. What to ask you ex-partner. It will be a long conversation that will be difficult so there is no real list of questions to ask, it will just be a conversation that flows and you will create the questions as she is talking. Just starting off the conversation with "what will you expect from me if I am to be involved full time in the child's life?". That should be enough to get the conversation going then you can pick out any areas that she mentions where you are unsure or not happy with. Again, this ties back in with seeing a lawyer so you can get a proper access plan drawn up.
5. Bringing children into the world. You are right in that the ideal scenario is to bring a child into the world when 2 people love each other, that is the ideal environment for a child. However the situation in your case is different, and there is not a lot you can do about it now I'm afraid. Yes it is less than ideal, but you can still give the child a happy life if you can be friends with your ex and always put the interests of the child first. Yes it will be hard, and at times there will be problems, but at the end of the day as long as the child is loved, cared for and provided for then it will grow up just as happy as a child that has got 2 parents who are in love and living together.
So I think what you need to do is make your choice first of all - decide if you are going to do this or not. Once you have decided, if it is a decision to be in the child's life then get hold of a few books, do some research online in fatherhood and then after that, sit down with your ex-partner and start talking. Once you have had a good talk and have made progress, then involve a lawyer so you can draw up a plan to legally have consistent access to the child that neither you or the mother can change ad-hoc.
Dont feel you have to be rushed into a decision, you still have another 4-5 months to go and she is having the child anyway. So take your time, do your research and come to a conclusion in your own time. I think you know deep down that the right thing for the child is to have its father in its life, as much as possible, but it just has to be a choice that you make when you are ready to put yourself aside and put a little person first.
And finally - going back to my friend, he has just had the baby and even though he really did not want the child, and all the way through the pregnancy would be very open about how much he did not want it - the baby has been born, she is 1 week old and in his words "I am completely in love with her". I think for men, pregnancy, babies and being a father doesnt really make sense until you see your child for the first time. So dont worry if the entire way through her pregnancy you feel unsure and scared, it will all make sense as soon as he/she is born.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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