A
female
age
36-40,
*unflower 42
writes:hi my husband passed away in december an ive recently started to see someone who is 3 years younger than me but recently every time i touch him he tells me to get off he has said that he has a lot on his mind but he wont talk to me how can i sort this out as i have two young kids who r gettin attached and i dont wont them to be hurt anymore than they already have been by losin there dad Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (21 August 2008):
 OK, two issues here, one you asked about and one you didn't.
I've lost two wives and one additional fiancee, all dead now, and I'll tell you that the process of recovery and getting ready to face getting out again takes as long as it takes. Don't let anybody else tell you when you "ought" to be ready. You're the only one who can know that, and not only is it different for each person, it's even difference for the same person from one loss to the next. I know.
On the other hand, don't fool yourself either. Don't let that horrid slap in the face when you wake up in the morning and a split second after you do it hits you that "my god, he's dead" push you into thinking you need to get out and find somebody before you're really truly ready. Allow yourself your own time to actually heal. It's really important. You need to be a "healthy ME" again before you can succeed as part of a healthy couple again.
OK, that takes care of that.
Now for what you really asked about.
Best guess. You're dealing with a guy pretty much just out of his teens, right? Call it 21 or 22, tops? My bet is that this guy finds you really attractive and all, but is scared beyond belief at the prospect of facing a ready made family. That's a lot of responsibility for a guy that age. Yes, I know, your late husband managed it. But different guys are different, too.
I suggest that you give him the room he needs. Back off. In fact, you probably should back off totally for now and let him make the next advance. Just wait for him to come around, and until he does you play a waiting game. I think he needs time to grow into the role of your partner in his own mind. It's not something you can push him into, and you shouldn't try. He doesn't want to talk about this probably because, although he really doesn't want to lose you, he's not really ready for all the responsibilities that being with you involve.
So cool it and see what he does next. You don't need to be in any hurry, do you?
A
female
reader, Happivibes +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Hi, yes I agree totally, its you who has things on their mind not his selfish man! Tell him that actually you understand totally about having things on your mind with a recent bereavement and little children so it would be best if you both take some time apart to sort things out.
I am stunned by his selfish attitude, you have been through so much, My heart goes out to you.
Look after yourself in this, and of course your children and you have a lot of time to find a caring and considerate partner. I understand that you must be very lonely and just the human company of another adult is a comfort but hey, this man is adding to your problems, you got to hang in there for yourself.
I hope you have family and friends to support you through this, but if you don't remember we are always here for you.
Love and care. x
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Honey! I would put a hold on this relationship right now.
Its you that should have a lot on your mind, after losing your hubby so recently. You must be feeling very vunerable, and I totally understand you want to protecty your young children.
I think you would be better off giving this guy and yourself some space. Maybe he is not the right one for you, because I think if he was, he would be a little more considerate. Dont put yourself through any more hurt.
XXX
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