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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I really need help! I am having a crisis of confidence, and I dont seem able to deal with it. I was out with 3 friends a couple of months ago, We'd been for a meal, and my friend Jane was driving. As we left, Jane got into the car, and I stood holding the door for my other two friends to climb in (they are both guys), when suddenly a man leaned right past me, and said to Jane, I just had to tell you, I couldnt help noticing you in the restaurant, you are a very attractive woman, very alluring. He literally brushed past me, it was as if I was invisible. I have no idea why, but I felt suddenly like I was nothing at all. Dont get me wrong, it wasnt that I wanted him to fancy me, I hadnt even seen him, and wouldnt recognise him now if I saw him.When I was growing up, my mother rarely gave me any praise. She believed that children should be discouraged from vanity. She would often compare me unfavourably to my friends, saying I was plain, or my hair was awful, or my skin sallow or I wasnt talented like other girls, or whatever. She would say, why cant you be more like so and so, she's pretty, or she can sing or some such. One thing that sticks with me is that I was rarely if ever addressed by name, always she, her, that one. If I spoke in conversation, mother would say that no one was interested in anything I had to say. She didnt mean to be cruel. She loved her children, but she thought children should know their place and not 'have ideas of their importance'. As a result I grew up with no self esteem whatsoever.Well that was a long time ago. I'm a strong confident woman in my forties now. I'm divorced, have a great career, lovely house, and a great circle of friends. That feeling of worthlessness is something I thought I'd left behind many years ago. To feel it again after all this time is frightening. It might be worth mentioning that at the time of this incident I had just been dumped in a very cruel way by a man who I really loved.The worst thing is that now that feeling of worthlessness is linked to my friend Jane. Just to see her, or even to hear from her, puts me right back in that place again. I feel stupid, ugly, useless. I cant explain it to her, she'd think I was a head case. So I avoid her. I keep hoping it'll go away and I can enjoy her friendship again, but it wont go away! It beginning to cause problems now, and friends have noticed.I so want to get over this, but I dont know how. I am very fond of my friend Jane, and want her friendship, but I just cant bear to be in her company because of this. Please help if you can. Are there any techniques I can use to to get rid of these awful feelings when they come on? Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Jane is probably a very confident self assertive woman and you feel worthless in comparison with her. This all stems back to your childhood but it's all just in your mind. You can be whatever you choose to be! You said earlier in your post that you're a "strong, confident woman in your forties" Good for you! Keep telling yourself that and don't let these feelings get you down. These feelings of worthlessness are combined with feelings of low self esteem and gradually low confidence. Below is a link to a test. It's a self esteem test and I'd like you to do it to see just how high your self esteem is.
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
Once you get your score then you need to concentrate on building it up again, along with building up your confidence.
http://pickbrains.com/how-do-i-build-up-my-confidence
The link directly above will give you sound information about how to build up your confidence. Read it carefully. Once your confidence builds you'll see that you are as good as (or even better than) everyone else out there and you will begin to soar again. You just need to "find yourself" again. (see link below)
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
In time you'll be back to the strong confident woman you once were and you'll find that you enjoy your friend Jane's company again as much, if not more than you always did.
This last link I want to give you, you'll probably be able to relate to, it's all about feeling worthless (the way you feel just now) but it also shows you how you can overcome this.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Finch9.html
All these links will help you become strong again. There is a strong, confident woman in there, you just need to pull her to the surface again, stronger and better than ever! :o)
Eve
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