A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been seeing my fiancee for 9years, and known her for over 10.A couple of years ago we started having problems within out relationship because my fiancee was feeling too tired most nights to talk to me let alone anything else. So,I started logging into secondlife seeking conversation. Everything was fine until my fiancee started logging in too. I was stupid enough to believe that it would bring us closer together but instead it has driven us further apart.Just before she started using secondlife she was involved in a bank hold up and had a knife held to her throat. Since then she has had thoughts of suicide and wanted to cut the arm off that the robber touched. She went to see a therapist, but I don't believe it helped at all, because knowing her as well as I do I know she would have hardly talked and left all of the conversation to the therapist.Recently I found out that she's been having online affairs with men on secondlife. She'd created secret email and msn accounts so she could talk to them while at work and without me seeing her online to disturb them, swapped phone numbers, addresses, told them she loved them, had planned on going to see one of them and goodness knows what else???I told her that I had found out all about it and we had a huge argument, which ended up with her saying she wasn't going anywhere and that she still loves me, but recently she broke off our engagement because she 'needs to sort her head out' about her issues over the bank.The thing is that she still has contact with these online 'friends', and still has secret email and msn accounts.So, I either accept what she has told me that it's down to her problems or believe that she has developed doubts about her feelings for me because of these online 'friends'.What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 It will sound horrible, but I recommend that you give her all the time and space in the world. After some time (only you can decide how much) without communication, call her again and ask her where you stand. If you don't hear what you want to hear, just leave.
She does need to get over the experience. I don't see how your not being in contact helps her to do that.
Wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe went home to see her family for the weekend, and usually she rings me 4 or 5 times through the day.
She didn't ring at all on Saturday so I rang her and she went mad at me for worrying. She said she's with her family and i s ok.
She didn't ring Sunday(today) and I have an early start tomorrow so I thought I'd ring her to before I went to bed, and she went mad at me asking why I rang her.
Then said I was nagging her...I'd only said Hi how are ya and was about to explain that I was off to bed and that I wouldn't be available if she rang.
So, I think you're right Danielepew, this is something different entirely, and nothing to do with her bank experience at all.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 June 2008):
Everyone will hate me, but I wonder if there's a connection between her using Second Life to "cyberdate" other men, and the robber putting a knife to her throat. It doesn't seem so. My region is among the most violent in the world. Many of us are victims of robbery, kidnapping, et cetera, and that doesn't turn into cheating, "virtually" or not.
I believe that her being in that bank and being put a knife to her throat is most unfortunate and awful, but I fail to see the connection to the rest of the post.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. I appreciate it!@Danielepew I can't just give up on a 9year relationship to a girl I love with all my heart.@Lotus mama808 TY this is exactly what I was thinking! :0)@LazyGuy 1) I was trying to keep my question and surrounding information concise.2) I never said she should simply 'get over it'.3) I most certainly didn't screw up supporting her. I was there by her side through all of this. She cried on my shoulder, I took care of everything in our lives, I got her to take a leave of absence from work, I rang her and txtd her all the time to let her know where I was when I couldn't be with her, I helped organise the therapy for her, I soothed her when she woke from a nightmare... the list goes on. Trust me no one could have done more for her!4) My entire focus was on her and supporting her and making sure she was ok. Then she drops this bomb shell, and you think I'm the bad guy here?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 Gee, you seem to go awfully quickly over the fact that she was a hostage with a knife against her throat?
She needs help with this and if you are correct in that she didn't use the therapy correctly then she is still having troubles with this.
You are aware that "pro's" like soldiers, police, firemen, medics etc etc are getting more and more help to deal with emotional issues from trauma they may experience? You seem to think that a woman who just goes to the bank and suddenly is in a life and death situation should just get over it.
It seems you only care for yourself and I don't blame her for being unsure about her feelings for you. It seems you screwed up at supporting her when she most needed it so she took her needs somewhere else.
If you actually care for her make sure she gets help for dealing with her issues and then wait and see what happens. Remember that Second-Life is a game, not real. She ain't cheating on you, she is just looking for support she ain't getting in real life.
Grow up and realize that sometimes in a relationship it ain't about you.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 You seem very tolerant. She sounds like a complete mess! She is right, she does need to sort her mind out. Trust me, you dont want to marry a girl going nuts. She will only get nuttier. She might be able to talk to a theropist better than you think. She needs a third party to talk to, just like you do, right now. What can you do? Continue to be patient, understanding, and supportive, exept for the on line cheating. That is a whole nother issue. You need to tell her that it is the same thing as cheating, wether she met with these men or not. Tell her you will be there for her, but you do not need to put up with that. Put your foot down on that one with a quickness, because she will, one of these days, take it to a different level with these guys. Good luck, hun.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 June 2008):
I would doubt her feelings. I think you should tell her that you will give her some time to sort her head. If you don't hear from her in a given period of time, move on.
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