A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf of 3 years had decided to tell his parents about me and he plans to introduce me to his family. He has already told them about me and my family situation. My parents are divorced for about 3 years now and that is a problem for his parents. They told him that everything is good but because my parents are divorced that can be a problem. My bf and I love each other and want to get married but if his parents wont accept me then he wouldn't go against his parents. His parents have a problem with my parents being divorced but agreed to see me before they make a decision. I am afraid they wont see me for who I am but the whole divorce issue will take over when they make their decision. I'm so scared. We love each other so much and scared they might not understand that. Please help me! i need advice! What can I do to help this situation.
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male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (17 July 2011):
Is this a cross-cultural relationship? Is he Asian (Indian subcontinent) or MidEastern? Because if he hasn't told his parents about you for three years, and will let them dictate his choice of a wife on such a stupid criterion such as wheter her parents are divorced, you have a severe problem already. You may "love one another" as far as you are concerned, but it looks like there's a certain medieval element on your boyfriend's side of things, and you'd better do some serious thinking. You're young yet (God, how I hated people telling me that when I was in my 20s, and it's worse to have to admit they were right)and you have time to sample more of the buffet. Think with your head, not your heart.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 July 2011):
 I agree 100% with what caring guy has said. I want to add something from my own experience.
My daughter dated exclusively with a guy for at least two years. I had a lot of worries about him as husband material because of his parents. There are some serious differences between his situation and yours, but I tell you this so you can see where his parents are coming from.
His Mother had been divorced 4 times while he was growing up. His Father had been divorced 3 times during the same period of time. I'm not going to judge them or him on this, certainly he was not the cause of any of the divorces. But he had been affected by them. First he had no faith in the institution of marriage. To him marriage was always a short term relationship. Second He had difficulty attaching emotionally. This was hard on my daughter as she is a very genuine person, wears her heart on her sleeve. He hid his emotions. He did not bond strongly.
I was able as a less interested party to see where this was going. I felt a successful marriage was possible, but that help would be needed. My advice to her was that they should get into couples counseling right away, and to certainly not get married without being in therapy. Sadly he resisted the counseling advice. His instability, and both of their immaturity led to their parting ways a year or so later.
I know you are saying that your case is different. One divorce is not the same as a string of divorces. And you were old enough to be independent by the time it happened in your life. There are other issues that a parent should worry about. (note: worry about, or advise about, not dictate about) Listen to his parents advice, they know him better than you do. Assure them that you don't blame one parent or the other and that you don't have feelings against either. Assure them that you will not allow your parents to play politics with you or your wedding day or your marriage or the grand kids. Most importantly assure them that you think that divorce is not the way to resolve differences, that you believe, as they do, that it is a last resort.
Relax, go meet them, try to think the best of them. BTW My mom didn't like one of my girlfriends. She didn't break us up, she didn't try. In retrospect I think it may have helped if we had had a meet and greet.
FA
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 July 2011):
This situation is actually far clearer than your emotions will let your realize. Taking all the emotion out of this, and looking at it logically, what this is is is a test as to whether your boyfriend is more concerned about what his parents think, or whether he actually cares for you.
He says that if his parents say no, he will actually dump you? Really? How old is this guy, and does he actually own his own life or is he managed? Because all I see is some guy who is more concerned about what his parents think, than what he thinks himself. And what happens if they do actually like you? Will he then allow them to continually interfere in your love life? Will he allow them to make decisions about children and marriage for you two? Will he continually back them even if they're wrong? Will he ever actually be on your side?
I would never turn down good advice from my parents. But I wouldn't drop everything to please them. I think if his parents judge you on your parents' divorce, that shows them up as appalling parent in law material. I think if your boyfriend sides with them just so he doesn't displease them, then he's a coward.
Think very carefully - this guy has effectively placed you in second place to his parents, based upon pure speculation.
Oh, by the way - a guy who keeps you a secret from his parents for 3 years probably doesn't care about you as much as you'd like to think, if at all. He just seems to think of you as some object for their approval, rather than a woman. If he cared, he'd never allow you to even be put in this situation.
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