A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Two days ago I went to my husband crying and told him I was feeling emotional over some deceased pets and wanted his support. He was hugging me and telling me everything was going to be fine and while looking over my right shoulder he blurted out "now that's a pretty girl!" He was looking at some actress on tv. We unfortunately had been talking about "pretty" woman versus "cute" woman the day before. When I told him that was disrespectful at that time he got mad. I left the room and went to sleep on the couch. Now this has been 48 hours later and he still won't apologize. He hasn't done a thing wrong - he says. I have told him that what he has said isn't even as bad as his after effects. He won't talk to me, says it is my problem and I am just an overly emotional woman and that he is sick of this. I think he is being disrespectful. I have nicely talked to him and said I just want him to say "sorry" for hurting my feelings. He is great otherwise and very caring, but gets very passive aggressive whenever I tell him he has done something wrong. It feels abusive how he acts- not talking to me and glaring at me when I am talking to him. I am not scared of him physically but he really hurts my heart and it scares me how mean he can be. I have told him we need to work on things together - I listen to his probs with me and work on what he wants, and I think he should do the same with me. Frankly, I am frightened with how angry he gets, though it is never physical. Everything would be fine if I shut up and didn't say anything about this again, but I think it is truly important that someone learn to apologize. He never, never, ever does. I am soooo sad. I will be spending the night on the couch again. :0( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, smokey01 +, writes (23 February 2010):
i cant say a whole lot but i can say ive been through it and still going through it. men hate admiting they are wrong they want you to feel like your at fault. they are good and will turn it around. you have to make a stand for yourself. he needs to apoligize because he did hurt your feelings and he should atleast feel bad that he did. i hope it worksout and im here if u need to talk!!!!!
T~S~H
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for the responses. I guess at this point I just feel like I need to let it go till next time, which I know there will be a next time. I really love this man, but he is definitely out of touch with emotions. Even today I genuinly apologized for snipping at him and being short since that night, but said that I wish he could do the same. I said I care about his feeling and that is why I apologized. He says his feelings don't matter, just that I was being rude and should apologize for that. I don't get it I apologize whenever someone is hurt by me and I am rude. (or at least try to be aware enough to) I talked to my Dad last night about the whole thing and he said that he loved us both and wanted to pay for a couple of couseling sessions. I called today and have paperwork on the way- and then they will give me an appointment after that is done.
And yes- we are both extremely stubborn and yes I am back in the bed with him, but feel emotionally disconnected. I am going out of town on Wednesday for 2 weeks and feel this will be a welcome break.
Unfortunately I just let him read some of your posts to show him that I am not that unreasonable. He has blown up. I thought that it might get to him and make him think to see others points of view. I was wrong. He says that I shouldn't get counciling from strangers and that these people don't know him. I told him that I can't stand what is going on between us and I'm desperate to talk to someone. I don't want to burden friends and this my outlet. I am actually to the point that I am sorry for him because I don't think he understands emotions.
Thank you all so much! It really does help me to talk on here.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 February 2010):
BrooklynGirl has got this completely right. There is more to this guy than not just apologizing. He is clearly far too into himself to care what you think. Any normal person is aware that what he did was really terrible. You need to think very carefully about whether you want to live with a guy who clearly doesn't give a damn. If you're looking for a sorry, you won't get it. And if you go to him, he will continue to push you around. Think very carefully about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): If he never ever apologizes, you will have to be consistent and sleep on the couch whenever you feel he should have apologized. This is your version of punishment. And he's getting hurt, so he doesn't feel he needs to apologize because you are hurting him back. So he glares at you and gives you the silent treatment as his punishment since you started punishing him.
Its an endless cycle. Quit the punishments once and for all and take the bull by its horns. Say you need him to apologize to you. This isn't about who's right or wrong. This is about your feelings getting hurt. You can tell him you are sorry if this whole episode has hurt his feelings (Im pretty sure it has, and that he misses you in bed), but that you also need to him to show you that he cares about your feelings, and giving you an apologize for hurting you is required.
Maybe he needs more time, but you both sound a bit stubborn, him especially. So sitting it out like this could take ages, seeing who throws in the towel first. Then its not about the apology anymore, it's about who "wins".
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (14 February 2010):
 What he did was disrespectful...but sometimes, we blurt things out thoughtlessly...we've all done it!
What bothers me, however is that he NEVER appologizes!
Also that his anger frightens you!
I lived with my abusive husband for 16 years. It didn't begin with physical abuse...but it certainly ended with me fearing that one day he would kill me!
Having to walk on eggshells is not what a relationship should be about!
Abusive people have a way of turning things around and making everything look like the other person's fault!
Trust me, I know first hand!
If you are going to stay with an abusive person (which I would Never do again) you have to pick and choose your battles. You have to watch what you say, do, and even think! Is that anyway to live???? I think NOT!
I wish you strength and courage to continue this relationship, if that is what you choose to do!
Good Luck
~BG~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I'm afraid I agree with you. It was a totally pathetic thing to say and proved his mind was not on the job of consoling / supporting you but on the TV ogling a woman - in other words he was being false with you. I am interested as to why or how you got into a conversation with him as to what is deemed pretty or cute in a woman? Does he often go on about other women? As for his reaction, this is absolutely emotional abuse. No excuses for him. Putting you down as an overly emotional woman (degrading you and refusing you to have your feelings), the silent treatment, not apologising or being rational, making you sleep on the couch. The word is actually cruel. All this has now done is make you feel like the next time you need his support or feel emotional you cannot turn to him - this will make you feel isolated and alone and eventually depressed. I know precisely how this feels and yet my husband turns round and says I am cold towards him. Fact is when I have opened up I've had it used against me or highlighted as a weakness later. I just keep my mouth shut now but I feel the way you do. If he is often like this I suggest you start keeping a diary of it. You also need to wise up about the whole dynamic of emotional abuse because it can take different forms and you do mention being scared of him (although not physically) this translates to you not wanting to be around him - or not being able to be around him. You can then start to see if there is a pattern to any of it and learn to take the necessary action. For now though, is it possible you can stay at a friends house?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): You say he never apologises and yet you want him to just say 'sorry'. If you leave it alone he'll feel bad for having hurt your feelings... perhaps. Otherwise you are just entering a stalemate.
It is true that you cannot get respect by asking for it... go back and make up with him :)
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