A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I live in the dorms and at first I had two roommates, "Sarah" and "Patricia". Sarah was/is wonderful: she is messy/clutter but she keeps it to her area and she's gone much of the time. She's a fine arts major with an emphasis in sculpting. She basiy uses the Dorm to sleep and store her things. She uses her own stuff and asks permission to have people over. Patricia was OK too: she was an Early Education major and the only "bad" thing she did was invite people over without warning and take up too much space. I'm an undecided major but I stay in my space and go see people rather than inviting people over. Last year, Patricia got ahold of alcohol and I walked in on her drunk at 3 p.m.! She was OK at first, just kept asking me how I knew I was gay if I've never had a girlfriend. (How did you know you were straight before you had a boyfriend? Same thing). I did drink with her on her insistence, but I only had two shots of Absolut and a bathroom-glass of Peach Schnapps. Then, Patricia got REALLY sick and started convulsing. It scared me so I called 9-1-1. She was taken by ambulance to St. Monica's and the R.A. helped me clean up vomit. (Sarah was gone with her family for Rosh Hashanah). I didn't admit to drinking but since it was in my dorm too, I had to watch a DVD on alcohol and sign a contract that said we wouldn't do it again. I was a little pissed because my parents pay my tuition and would pull me out if they knew and it wasn't even my fault! Even if I HADN'T had any, I still would have had to sign the contract for not telling on her!Patricia ended up saying (as the EMTs were getting her) that she was suicidal so she stayed in the Psych Unit for a week. Her parents then made her move home because of that. So after the holidays, Sarah and I got a new roommate, "Nichole". Nichole stays in her space but ALWAYS invites her Christian friends over for Bible Study. She's always talking about abstinence on campus and she's COMPLETELY against gay people. Well, I'm trying to come out! I actually chose this college because no one else from town that I knew was going here. I DON'T want my parents knowing at all! I'm afraid they'll make me move back home because they're Catholic and said that if I experimented with alcohol, drugs, or sex I was coming home. I am out on campus and most of my friends are gay but I'm not close enough to move in with someone if my parents try to pull me. They already come down here twice a month to bring me home and take me to church. They already have my mom's cousin "Donna Jean" calling me every other week to have coffee and go to church. They already stick their noses way into my life. They tell every person I say hi to in front of them my life story (how I was raised, their expectations, their values). They even got the RA"s # and they call her and try to pump her for information on me. They already blow up my phone if I don't answer right away. (They know when I go to class and work and expect an immediate response if I'm not either of those places).Now Nichole wants to out me to my parents if I don't participate in Bible study or go to church with her or even my church. She won't shut up about how wrong it is to be gay and how I should not hang around "them" or spend the night with me another friend. She also found out through Sarah about what happened with Patricia and wants to tell my parents because she thinks I'm being dishonest! I can't spend five minutes with her without her telling me how wrong my lifestyle is (I ve never been with a girl or guy). How do I stop her from telling my parents?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2020): You don't want to come out to your parents until you are done with college. I'm sure you know that they will stop paying your tuition if you tell them you're gay.
I would ask the RA what she thinks you should do. Sounds to me like finding a new room would be an excellent idea, though.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2020): Remind her to keep her own council, and if she is that religious she should be kind and true to other people. How on earth can a hypocrite expect to teach you anything from bible study, when she knows nothing. I would suggest you tell her to study it first then preach the rights and wrongs. Live and let live, don't judge others, and be kind to others is a good start.
You have nothing to be ashamed about, but she does. Be true to yourself and be kind to yourself. Good Luck, let no one hold you over a barrel with blackmail...you are unique and wonderful and God already knows this...he made you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2020): Wow.To me this is blackmail.Tell her that unless she stops this criminal behavior you will have no choice but to press charges on her and have her arrested.Blackmail is a crime.It is a felony so she will get jail time.After that I would go to the school and ask to have your room changed since this person is committing crimes against you.I might also get a restraining order against her if I were you.Blackmail is a crime...show her all the answers here..she needs to learn that blackmailing people to Jesus will only get her thrown in prison for quite a few years.God is love not hate and by blackmailing you she demeans what God stands for.Shame on her...I will pray for her soul.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2020): I'm out on campus so Nichole knows. I purposely chose this college because no one from school went here. I'm not on scholarship or anything but I'm pulling a 3.2 while I had a 2.7 in high school. My parents are going to assume I'm sexually active
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 January 2020):
 I'm inclined to agree that now may not be the best time to come out.
You should be free to be who you are, buy that's easier said than done while you're still dependent on those who you fear coming out to.
Unless you've hinted at or told Nicole, you could turn it around on her by asking her why she assumes someone who hasn't been out on dates with a guy must be gay. You could also remind her that trying to blackmail you is a crime and you may have to report her to school authorities. Or just give her a deadpan response along the lines of 'do what you have to do'. If/when your parents question you, you can say this person has been giving you a hard time.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 January 2020):
 Nicole may not know the right way to talk to people about church/God or she may be overzealous. Whatever the case may be, God wants us to come to him willingly not by force, trickery or being bribed. I would tell Nicole very firmly that you appreciate that she is trying to help you but that you are a grown woman and will make your own choices about your life. I would tell her also that your parents are YOUR business not hers and ask to politely to "butt out". You are going to have to stand tall and be firm and let her know in a non confrontational manner that you will not be bullied or pushed around by her. I agree with Wiseowl that perhaps if she doesn't lay off that you should go speak to her minister. She isn't going about things in the right way and is actually out of line. If need be let the campus administrators know if she really wants to play hardball.
Its sad that you have to do this but you do need to stand up for yourself, OP. Sometime well meaning people just can't see what they are doing. Do not live in fear of her or what she might say. You have a right to live your life just as she does. No one should be judging someone else, only God has the right to judge us and he will!
If you can talk calmly to her hopefully the two of you can work things out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): Beat her to it. That's the only way you counter blackmail.
Jesus does not require us Christians to scare or hijack people into serving Him. He does not place judging others in the hands of human beings; because by nature we are hypocrites, and we're all sinners who fall short of the glory of God.
God wants us to come to Him willingly. He gives us free-will. People full of zeal, self-righteousness, and religion tend to skew the scriptures and play God themselves. If you are hiding things that should be out in the open; the truth will often out itself. Nicole is young, and not yet mature enough in faith to know what she's doing; or she wouldn't use threats to bring you over to Jesus. Print this and let her read it! Jesus commands us to tell others about Him. She is fulfilling this command. Just not doing it the right-way. Harassing people is the devil's way of doing things.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
Christians must do things in love, not through cruelty. We testify to others how God has changed us and our lives. It's up to God to put His Spirit within you, to make you want Him. Not for Nicole to force you into doing what she thinks is right!
Galatians 6:1
"Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted."
This means when we see someone in the middle of doing something wrong or hurtful; correct him with gentleness; you don't threaten them with humiliation, or to expose their wrong-doing to cause them suffering. Watch your own step, unless you find yourself doing evil as well.
Stop her from telling your parents by telling her that she has no right to bother your parents; and whatever needs to be said to your parents about you, is by you.
You can explain to her that you understand she is trying to help; but she is going about it the wrong way. She should be as concerned about her own soul as she is about yours.
Let me remind you. You got into trouble; because you were befriending someone who was steering you towards trouble, and look how she ended-up. You forgave her, and you even tolerated what she does that annoys you. In fact, neither of your previous roommates were ideal roommates, most people would hate having them. If you can tolerate them, you can tolerate Nicole! She's just different. Two sloppy annoying females (one with a drinking problem) were fine, but Nicole is just too much???
If you don't wish to attend her church, you don't have to. She can't make you, and threatening you is something you can report to university authorities. Her intentions are good, but her method is not! Threatening to approach your family without your permission is not christian; and you can remind Miss Nicole she should ask her minister, if what she is doing is right. Not by trying to help you find Jesus; but by using blackmail as a way to force you to attend her church!
You might even go to her church; and tell her minister how she went about forcing you to attend. If she wants to use force rather than love!!!
You don't know if she belongs to a cult, or whatever. If she feels she has to force you to go; it must not be teaching her the rightway to lead you to the salvation of the Lord. Religious-people sometimes get caught-up in their own do-gooder ways; and think they're doing it for God. Jesus is specific about how He wants things done. If it hurts people, or causes trouble for them; there is no way it has anything to do with Jesus, or God. If God wants you, He'll get you!
Nicole is just somebody to remind you who He is! It's because your parents pray for you. Honor and obey your parents. You don't have to come out to them, if you don't want to. That's between you and God. Nicole should know that, if she is truly a Christian. You're a virgin. So what do you need to confess to them anyway? Just that your roommates were messy and one got into trouble. The end!
I expect you to leave-out a few details to slant your post in your own favor. I see things from all angles; and give those accused of things some benefit of the doubt. They can't defend themselves. We get a one-sided story. Sometimes self-righteous religious-people single-out and persecute gay-people; while ignoring all the other sins people do. While gay-people sometimes persecute Christians; because they don't like what they stand for. God will judge us all together. He has the final say.
I also expect you to characterize Nicole as crazy and doing atrocious things to you. Careful about bearing false-witness. Two bad roommates got you into trouble! Nicole might be sent to sway you away from getting caught-up in alcohol and drugs. You should be focusing on your studies. Nicole isn't your guardian angel; she's just another human being, and she has no right to threaten anyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): It's not a good time for you to come out. You're still dependent on your parents and they won't be understanding. Continue to go to your OWN church and get involved. You might find this is just a stage anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): You stop her by telling your parents yourself! They're paying your tuition, they deserve transparency. It may not have been your fault Patricia drank but you should have told on her right away! As for coming out, maybe keep quiet until you're more independent.
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