A
female
age
26-29,
*ored_pizza
writes:I am a little concerned as to whether my OH is in fact trying to or is currently cheating. Let me give you a bit of background. 6 years together. Engaged. Living together 2 and a half years, dog, cat, saving for house etc. He has cheated in the past and we have worked on that and moved on or so I had thought until just 5 minutes ago. It's nearly 4 am in the UK and I am aware due to the fact I cannot sleep because I am pregnant. Lovely!! (Please be respectful, we have chosen now is not the right time to be blessed with a child, so congrats won't be an easy thing to read) So, here I am, at 4AM, chilling, in my pyjamas and watching videos on youtube. My o.h is asleep on the sofa at this point. His phone goes off and I walk over to check it (we are managing a business together so I answer his facebook queries when they come through). It's from a girl who we shall call "k". She has messaged on whatsapp with "when do you have time to see me? xx". Now normally I would not be at all suspicious however there was no history on there of any previous chat. My mind immediately started waving the red flag - plus my gut instinct recently has told me something may have been a little off. So.. I know this is so wrong but I wanted to know what she would say.. I replied with "Just me or me and L" (I am naming myself as g). She then immediately text back with "just you". I gave her a moment and then told her it was me and that it was a bit of a cheek but by that what does she mean exactly? Her tone was then off with me. She seemed a little like trying to get away from the subject by saying that he was going to go and help her over an HOUR away to FIX A WINDSCREEN WIPER. Sorry but I know I can be a bit dippy at times but I know that is not something you just go and do. She then explained she doesn't have any money at the moment... so you can guess how the previous conversation between them both may have gone.. a little like there could potentially be other ways she could make the payment up. The main thing which I haven't mentioned here is that we know this girl from a one night thing we all had as a threesome like 4 months ago from online. Very casual, I thought she was alright and chilled but it seems to be a little bit of a different story tonight... I didn't think there would be that lack of respect there.. but then I guess what can you expect from meeting someone like that online I suppose? I know I might get a lot of hate here but my main point of posting here ( this is my first time here so maybe go a little soft on me! I don't normally do stuff like this) is to see if anyone thinks there could be something to this as I am suspecting just to clarify that my sanity could potentially still be intact! Or if I may be reading too much into it? The other thing I would mention is that this is a really difficult time for me at the moment. I am dealing with so much on my mind with this child that I am only just 5 weeks pre with, that we aren't keeping, and mean while while I need emoltional and physical support, he's off chasing p***y and I am here, on my own, thinking he's working or on his "lunch break". Call me hormonal but my gut has always been right, I guess because I am feeling a little off and delicate, I am looking for clarification in what I am saying.If you have any ideas, please post below. I need the feedback. Feeling ill as anything anyway as was diagnosed with early pregnancy HG which is severe morning sickness. I feel depressed, unattractive and just generally crap and where is he? Getting his ego fill somewhere else? I still make an effort, a big effort actually in what I wear, my appearance. I do everything anyone could possibly want. I am good to him yet why then is this the payment I get? I am so broken just thinking about it I'm not sure if I want to see any proof if there is any, anyway. Thanks so much for your time guys. I'll check back soon.
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depressed, engaged, facebook, money, text, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 January 2020):
 You’ve told him it’s fine to cheat on you in the past so why wouldn’t he do it again? Who can blame him? If you let people treat you like a doormat they will wipe their feet all over you.
Don’t you think you can do better than someone who obviously doesn’t love or respect you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2020): I meant to say:
"He cheated once before...that you knew of! So don't tempt a diabetic with sweets!"
P.S.
It wasn't clear whether your boyfriend cheated before or after you had a threesome. If you know a guy is capable of cheating, and you allow a threesome. It's pretty much like offering a recovering-alcoholic a shot of whiskey.
Sweetheart, I'm casting no hate and no shade. I'm just offering you the benefit of down-to-earth wisdom.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2020): Once your partner cheats on you; even if you forgive them and move forward, the violation is added to their rap-sheet as a misdemeanor. They get-off with a warning.
It might be expunged from their record in-time; with good-behavior, continued-faithfulness, and full-atonement. Starting from that time, moving-forward. Just like in law-enforcement. You can start from a clean record. Like nothing ever happened! There has to be a demonstration of true-love and real devotion. If you can't feel it; that means it isn't there. He's just behaving, because he got caught!!!
Here's the sticky-part! It depends on how well you reestablish trust; and how capable you are of true-forgiveness. If doubt and suspicion persists, you didn't forgive; you allowed fear of loneliness to prevail. Maybe jealousy that he might go back to her! You'll both go through hell together. Your distrust and insecurity will be a rope around his neck. Does his penis have more influence over his behavior than your trust? That's the test of true-love and real faithfulness in a man.
His credibility and reliability are based on his prior-record of trustworthiness, persistent good-behavior, and his solid-character. If he has "no-priors" staining his record; that should push him faster down the road to redemption. You can still count recurrent minor-infractions. That means you're dealing with a sneaky-one!
Second-chances are based on merit; and solid-evidence of a heartfelt and committed-effort to rebuild and earn-back your trust. I mean, you have to go out of your way to prove yourself like an ex-convict; when he violates his parole. After serving time, and being released. Pardon my use of criminal-analogies; but that's precisely how I see it.
You voluntarily introduced a third-party into your monogamous-relationship; which is opening a Pandora's Box. That kind of bad-judgement is testing (if not stressing) the limits and boundaries of commitment. It thereby destabilizes trust, and erodes your self-control. Resisting temptation becomes nearly impossible. If it was authorized and permitted once; that's all it takes to weaken your will and loyalty. You might create a monster! Once he's let out of his cage; you may never get him to fit into it ever again. Once a stallion learns he can jump the fence, he'll do it again and again!
Even if your partner tries to be good; the third-party gets a taste of the sweetness of the forbidden-fruit, and can't resist having another taste. Then it becomes a dare, or an obsession. Either one of those, is bad for you! Tempting for him!
You didn't deliberately snoop; it's a normal-routine to check your business-partner/boyfriend's phone messages. Now you've discovered he might be freelancing; or she may be doing her best to setup a situation to seduce him into an affair...that is, if there isn't one ongoing already. Speculation and suspicion are like a virus...it creeps up on you, and it overwhelms you with fever and discomfort.
Rather than letting hormones and suspicion rule your actions; confront your boyfriend with what you did, and what was said. Tell him point-blank that you believe he is cheating. You tested her, and she let the cat out of the bag!
As far as forgiveness and trust are concerned; you're back to square-one. A female calls him at an odd-hour with a strange-request. You know her response was b.s.; while he's on shaky-ground, because she felt bold enough to request him to come over alone. That jeopardizes trust, your relationship, and places him on notice!
Give each of your goals you've mentioned, and the situation at-hand, very careful thought. Assess the probability of whether he can regain your full-trust anytime soon? Decide if the relationship can weather the storm? This is not a decision made without emotion; but it will require your common-sense and some logic. Decisions made solely on emotion usually fail. Considerations based on reason and logic usually succeed. The heart alone can be reckless.
If a guy doesn't propose to marry you; but you proceed to create a faux-marriage with a mortgage, co-signed debt, combined-incomes, plus or minus children. Just remember this! Don't expect a boyfriend/fiance to abide by the fidelity set within the bounds of marriage. He ain't your husband yet! He doesn't have vows to weigh-on his conscience; or the law to divide his property when he breaks the rules of marital-fidelity! Also remember that you gave him permission to have sex outside your monogamous exclusive-relationship. He cheated once before...that you knew of! So tempt a diabetic with sweets!
When it comes to cheating; husbands might get reprieves on their first-offenses. Based on a good-record with no prior-offenses. Boyfriends do not automatically get a reprieve. You don't have to undergo a divorce to chuck or replace one! Second-offenses of cheating from a boyfriend is a slap in the face. Women who contact your man after-hours know you are likely there; and hope you catch him at it.
Now, you put two and two together; and figure-out what to do. You aren't his wife, and he's not your husband. You don't trust him, and this is probably his second-offense. Once you have a gut-feeling of someone cheating on you; it never stops nagging at you. The paranoia only gets worse! Once the incriminating-evidence presents itself, don't bury your head in denial!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2020): He's probably cheating on you with her. He's already gotten a pass on cheating once before so why not again? You've decided not to keep the baby, which I think is a good idea in this case, so why keep him too? This probably won't be the last time you'll feel like crap if you don't let go of this relationship.
I know it will be hard after being together for six years, but you're never going to be able to truly trust him. Take your half of the money saved for a house and if neither of you can keep your cat and dog, make sure you find them good homes. You're still quite young and deserve a chance at a healthy mature relationship, not one that will likely become more toxic as time goes by.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (19 January 2020):
This is a very difficult situation for you to deal with.However lets start [1]He cheated on you in the past..so it is always very very difficult to trust again.[2]With regards to the ..threesome someone will always. get hurt and it is never wise.[3] Right now with the decision about the baby..i can understand why you are depressed.The questions i would ask...if it is a loving relationship..why the need for a threesome ?...Have both of you built..trust in each other since the cheating ?.Or is the lack of trust always there with you ? Do you feel he is causing you to mistrust him again ?....hence the text on WhatsApp from the girl in question.?.A woman will have a gut feeling that there is something off..because a mans behaviour changes towards the woman he is with.Now because of you situation would you first consider having a chat with him first..also would you consider going to see a counsellor because you will need help to deal with this..it will give you a chance to talk face to face with a counsellor..and see what the best options are for you.This would be very difficult to deal with on your own and on this level be gentle with yourself.We all need help in our life sometime or another..and it is great that it is there to avail of Kind regards NORA B.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): My thinking is if he was going over to fix a windscreen wiper, why would it matter if you went too? Why did she answer 'just you?' Her explanation seems far fetched anyway, I wouldn't buy that. She didn't ask when can you come and fix my windscreen wiper, she asked 'when can you see me?' And ALONE.
By inviting a third person into your bed, you are inviting this kind of trouble. Likelihood is he has been carrying on where they left off, only on their own.
You have sensed that something is not quite right, so you may well be right.
Trouble is you've also alerted her to your suspicions, so she may go underground for a while and find other ways of contacting your boyfriend. If I was you, I would have kept quiet and watched more closely. Perhaps don't confront him yet and see if you can catch any suspicious behaviour.
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