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writes: Dear Cupids, At last my question for you all :D. Very soon i am of to America on holiday with my friend and his wife. We are going to be road tripping around LA – Phoenix – Flagstaff – Vegas areas. However, it isn’t just a holiday, there are two other activities that will play a part.... Firstly, we are going to see my friends’ brothers widow – the brother died last year in America. My friend is incredibly shy and hasn’t spoken much at all about his brother (the one time he did he cried, given he is British and male that’s a shock :) lol) now I know its not going to be an easy trip on that side. However, i have limited knowledge \ experience of death and the effects on siblings. I am expecting him to open up a lot and exorcise his daemons, however i also know its more likely he will just clam up and keep them in (as we Brits so love doing). So i was wondering if the grizzled emotional veterans on here can help advise on what to expect? (I know you can’t directly) or what to say that might help?The next thing we are doing is seeing my cousin... (really my dad’s cousin) who has a difficult cancer. Again here my knowledge is lacking – and i am after any knowledge or experiences that may help. At the moment i am working on the premise of optimism and getting things for her to look forward to. Ok so ignoring those things for a moment, I should point out i actually have a picture in my head of the brother’s ashes being in the car, the car stolen and we end up chasing across America for it , along with some hell’s angels and a woman in a golf cart as this appears traditional. I know these aren’t really cupid – love –shagging – relationship questions, but i think they are related to love. Love for my friend and for my family and therefore have posted. All thoughts welcome.Hugs (always), Star.x.
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female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (3 May 2009):
 sorry ,mate but that just cracked me up pa pa!!!!!!Hope u feel better very soon xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol ok spoken to nhsdirect, and they agree that its probably not Swine flu, but just a sore throat (lol)as expected, but dates and locations make it interesting...
however if i develop other symptoms to let my GP know... and quarantine myself.
:0) oink
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question... I was going to leave this post to close off, but now have another issue....
NHSdirect has listed California as one of the places considered as important for Swine flu. I went to America with a cold and coughed and spluttered my way around.
Coming back i still have a sore throat. went to the doctors a week Friday ago and he looked and said its a bit red. go gargle with salt water... (ok i havent been). i was in there for ? 3 minutes? Anyway no other symptoms, just a sore throat - glands are fine and temperature is fine.
now waiting for nhsdirect to call me back...
lol - some adverntures never end.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjess - thanks its was great to meet you and yours. So glad you didn't turn out to be a weird biker called Dave or similar.
Not all roads in US are straight. just those that go across the desert - Route 89 was pretty bendy by standards - :) 15 mph swtichbacks in an Automatic car that is twice the size of the manual turbo diesel i normally drive are fun to say the least.
Star.x
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female
reader, jessica04  +, writes (21 April 2009):
 I'm so glad you enjoyed the Grand Canyon, it really is spectacular!
It was so good actually meeting you in person, please phone me next time you are in the States and in Vegas, however small those odds may be, lol.
Glad your trip went well :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): I'm happy to hear that everything went well on your trip to the US. I haven't had the opportunity to drive the roads out west, but if you want roads with curves, try the Adirondacks of northern New York or Vermont or New Hampshire and especially the Skyline Drive and Blue Ridge Parkway of Virginia and North Carolina. Besides, curves are much nicer on women than roads. :)
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reader, pepper27 +, writes (19 April 2009):
so pleased hunny that everything went so well for you xxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Y’all,
Well the trip was fantastic from the normal holiday road side of things, the Grand Canyon is a spectacle like none that I have seen before and Sedona is beautiful, Las Vegas is bold and brashy but that’s the point and it doesn’t lie about it – it was all fantastic. Then there are Americans, which to my surprise were very friendly and warm (and not as loud as I knew them). I enjoyed it so much I will go back next year if all goes to plan.
As to the real reasons for going – well these things mostly turn out in a way you don’t think of before hand – the friend’s brother’s death – he finally got to speak to the widow the night before leaving to come home and they talked for hours about all sorts of things – but at least got to exorcise his demons and move forwards several steps. The widow who was there when her husband died, now has PTSD – and is dealing with that and consequently very open in talking about events and things. One of the things was she felt isolated (as you can imagine in a city of 8 million people – you are actually alone when these things happen) and cut off from the rest of the UK family – now at last the gulf has been closed and the contact will continue ? so a good result there.
My cousin was sick but kept herself together during the whole time we were there. We had a fabulous family and guests’ barbeque, which I know being the social butterfly she is, loved. She didn’t talk much about the cancer – being the more “tell me about the normal” things person. She lives in her own words day by day – which is the right thing to do, only you must enjoy every single day. Which she was :).
So mission accomplished – my friend only had one visible show of being upset (–if he had two I would have had to report him to the Queen for a display of emotion in public. - love being English). lol.
Jessica04, troubledtoomuch,tisha-1, anonymous, pepper27, triedit and kellyxxx Thank you all for the advice and background info, all useful and helped at least mentally prepare me for the road ahead - i don’t think it would have been so fabulous a time without it.
The only other thing you could have told me (well the Americans that is) is how boring and straight your roads are...
Thanks again.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjess and troubledtoomuch
its a good idea - my plan is that the friend and the widow talk and then me and the friends wife sink into the background. (plan in the loosest sense... )
The cancer is far along through several major organs - she is ok (lol ridiculous word in this context), and we should be having a barbecue with some other family members as well :) sigh. but will play it by ear and agree with you troubletoomuch - have to see how she is before deciding on what support (if any).
Thank you both very much for your time and thoughts.
Star.x.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (22 March 2009):
In regards to your friend, I think it might be nice if he takes his sister in law to lunch. They will probably best be able to read the other and know if they should talk about it or not. Plus, they both had a great bond to his brother, and can comfort the other best. After wards, just be supportive. It's really hard to know what to do sometimes when someone won't let you in.
About your cousin, how advanced is his cancer? If it's still in an early stage, he might enjoy just going outside and being social. If he is more confined to his home, maybe also ask if there is anything you can do for him around the house that he hasn't been ab;e to get to. Spend a few hours with him, he will feel much less like a social pariah.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Star, I can't add much to the excellent advice that Tisha has given you, but I have a couple of thoughts. First, as she said, everyone handles their cancer differently. Some just want to ignore it and others want to know as much as they can about survivability, treatments and options as possible. We have a friend who has cancer. He has never told anyone about it, not even his family (except wife and children). It was 2 years before he allowed his wife to tell family (his and hers) and close friends. He doesn't want to talk about it at all. For a person like this, I think it is best to follow their wishes and let them make the first move in a discussion. Actually, you should allow anyone with a medical problem to mention it first, unless they are immediate family and need your help. Of course, that is just my opinion.
There is also someone very close to me who has been recently diagnosed with cancer. She wants to talk about it and learn all she can about survivability and all options for treatment. She wants to be prepared as well as possible for what is to come. Of course, that doesn't mean that she wants to talk about it with everyone. Some people just want to talk about it to those they feel close to or anonymous people on a board.
Different people take the news of cancer differently. Some freak out, while others look at it with realism. That doesn't mean that they aren't worried, but they are just realistic about what happens in life.
As some have suggested, you can understand how people deal with disease and death by reading on the web. Here is one site that deals with female reproductive issues, including cancer and death. You can see the wide range of emotions as the women deal with the news of needing surgery or being diagnosed with cancer. There are also prostate cancer boards that I have found and probably boards for almost any disease.
http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/
Hope this helps a little.
TTM
P.S. Men do cry, especially when they are worried about someone they love. They cry when they have hurt someone they love and are truly sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni did have it written as pepper-Tisha ...that sounded wrong, a bit like a sneeze.
- i think i love you - my ego is so boosted. sigh.
thanks Star.x.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 March 2009):
 Pepper and I make a great team! We have some fun songs already. "Butt wag!" "Coffee spray!" "Nasal spray!" (Sorry, inside jokes.) I'm pretty sure you'll be just fine. You're trying to be perfect for people who are in pain--bereaved or diagnosed with cancer--and that tells me you care about people's feelings and well-being in general. So you're already ahead of the pack!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both Tisha and Pepper good advice - as always.(sounds like a pop group).
In summary - relax, be prepared and don't probe - just guide them around the edges.
Thanks Star.x.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 March 2009):
Hi Star, wow, that's quite a road trip you have planned there. All you need is the Border Police and some extraterrestrials and you can sell it to Hollywood.
Now, seriously, the two things you are asking about, how to deal with someone who has lost a loved one and how to interact with someone with cancer, I have some experience with. Everyone's is going to be different, I think.
Pepper is right. Just be there, ready to listen, nonjudgemental. I have a feeling you'll manage to avoid saying the trite obvious stuff. "Well, at least he didn't suffer." Or if he did, "At least he's at peace now." You can say those things maybe once, but my expectation is that your friend has heard those one hundred times and doesn't need to hear them again.
Just BE. Just be with him. Just be with him, in the present and now and listening. Silence doesn't need to be broken. You don't have to say something just to fill dead air.
If you get the sense that he wants to talk about his brother, ask open ended questions. "What sort of things did you two do together while growing up? Tell me about his move to America." Sometimes the bereaved just want to talk about the person as he (or she) was alive. I think you'll be just fine there, actually. Sit and listen. And don't be afraid to share that dry sense of humor (humoUr).
One more thing. I know this is hard for us regular aunts and uncles here, because we want so much to HELP; let go of the need to feel useful or the need to help. Be yourself, refrain from making inappropriate comments (which will not be a problem, from the little I know of you), assist with practical things like yelling, "Drive on the RIGHT!!! No!!! THE RIGHT!!!!!", and finding a parking space in L.A. or figuring out the detour on the L.A. freeways.
The friend with cancer. Okay, my sister has cancer and is undergoing treatment (chemo and radiation). So what does she want? She wants to talk about things other than cancer, or hospitals, or doctors or any kind of medical cr*p. She wants optimism and funny stuff and joy. She wants respectful support of her darker moods, when she's feeling low or angry or sad or depressed. Don't tell stories about people you know who haven't made it; also, the survivor stories can get old too. The cancer is personal and everyone has their own way of coping with it and their own likes and dislikes.
I like the premise of optimism and finding fun things to do. I think you'll handle it just fine. Remember, she's not dead yet, so let's not mourn too soon. There's time for that in the (hopefully) distant future.
Some treatments knock all the energy out of you, so have patience with that. She doesn't WANT to lie in bed all day, but she's functionally anemic and has no energy. I think you making or buying meals would be a nice idea; don't make her entertain you if she is not up to it.
Funny books! Bring some humoroUs books from Britain that aren't in print yet here (you'll have to do some research).
Clean up after yourself if you're staying in her house and wash your own clothes and all that kind of thing. She might not have the energy to be the best hostess ever. But don't make it obvious, either.
[One thing about America, often, the waiter will present you with the bill before you've asked for it. It's not being rude, it's not a sign that you need to pay and get the heck out of there, it's just what we do. Don't feel pressured by that.]
Americans tend to be nosy and ask personal questions. Don't take it personally. We LOVE British accents, so lay it on. Use all those funny words! You'll be feted!
Look left, right, left at crosswalks (I knew a Ozzie who had her leg severely broken by a car because she looked right, left, right.)
Okay, sorry, off on a tangent. Back to issue. Start that screenplay, maybe you'll meet a producer and get a contract! Your name in lights, red carpets, stars! :)
Back again. Just be with them, respect silences, be upbeat but not annoying, help with the practical stuff (even though you've let go of that heed to help). Be a joy to be with.
You'll do great. I want the report after you get back. Or better still, while you're on the road.
Hugs.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (17 March 2009):
Hi Hunny
Expect the unexpected with your friend, He may talk and get upset, You can only be there and be the good friend you are, That's all he needs right now someone to listen when he is ready to talk as emotion is high and he obviously finds it so hard to talk about without getting very upset..Thats understandable as you say men don't cry oh!!!!but they want to...And that's hard to....About your cousin just be you be happy and fun and act quite normal..My dad has cancer and we all just act quite normal and carry on with life as you wouldn't think there was a thing wrong, Yes I think of it a lot but for him its lets get on and be us so just be you...Most of all have a good time hunny roll with the punches n go with the flow TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionanonymous poster thank you - agree with all you have said.
God can come us, so long as he has a map and doesn't sing all the time.
thank you again
Star.x.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Hi
Quite possible your picture...life is best always looking on the funny side even when it is often expected to be sombre...this just makes things heavy.
I have experiences of both..sadly quite a few actually...
my aunt in bed dying of cancer...i looked underneath and asked if she had any men hidden under...she laughed on her death bed....my friend Joe..having his last rights i accidentally burst through the door in high conversation...playing delaney's donkey to him....my partner we laughed all the way through his cancer...he is okay now thank god...the laughter helped.
Not good to plan....let situations and experiences and feelings surface naturally.
I liked your picture....maybe this is what you should talk about.
via con dios.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for replying and yes i think a round up on google etc. will help. I also know its a question of loose planing to match what actually happens.
I know nothing will really prepare for the road ahead (except maybe a map and a full tank of gas :)).
Thanks & Hugs.Star.x.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): HI,
I wouldn't prepare at all. I would just try to be the person that you are. You seem socially aware and you seem to have a good sense of humor. That will carry you through. The fact that you are taking this trip to support your friend speaks volumes to him as it is.
Just remember too, that the jerks in America don't represent all of us!!
Safe traveling and good luck.
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female
reader, triedit  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 I think all your friend and your cousin really need is for you to be yourself. You don't have to be knowledgeable, just kind. Be a listening ear, don't promise things will get better, and just allow them to say what they feel or not, and be there for them.
You are a good friend. Thank you for helping these people through such difficult times.
And as for your dream--it's just a reflection of what you worry about--doing strange things in a strange country. I don't think anything remotely close to that is actually going to happen.
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female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (8 March 2009):
 You could look cancer up on google and then see what the cousin Is experiencing, that way you will have a better idea of what she is going through. You say your friend is likely to clam up and this will be what to expect, you can't expect a massive breakdown if he/she isn't that type of person, have you ever lost anyone? Think back to how you felt so that you can sympathise, or again, go on google and look up things to do with how bereavment feels.
When you lose someone close you feel like life is never going to be the same again (fair enough,its not exactly the same but things resume normality sooner than you think) the deceased person will still be missed but often at reunions the deceased will be spoken of happily and with lots of fond memories so don't expect this to be a sad occassion. Your friend may be shy but he has a major thing in common with this person;they both have lost someone they loved!
Despite the unhappy motives for going on this trip I hope you enjoy the rest of it! X
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