A
female
age
30-35,
*ittle_Owl
writes:I know this question must have been asked a thousand times before, and I also know that this is a VERY long post. However, I'm facing a very difficult choice right now, and I could use the point of view of an outsider. So, I'm a late virgin at 20. I also have a crush on my best friend who is many years older than I am. He feels the same way about me, but tells me that with my lack of experience both in life and sex, I'm not ready to be with a man his age. He wants me to grow up and find my own way before I can decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. In the meantime, he patiently has spent the last few years of his life waiting for me to grow up. He has never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do, he only adviced me and tried to help. These things alone have made me realize that this isn't a man I want to lose. His consideration towards me is golden. I can't imagine any other man would ever do this kind of thing for me.Here's the catch: I have wasted those past years doing nothing to change my situation. Just nothing. I don't want to get into the reasons why, but it was stupid. Recently my friend's patience has been running out a lot. If I had made some progress in the past years, he wouldn't mind to wait even longer. But I didn't progress. I have been wasting both his time and mine. There is a guy who wants to have sex with me, though, another virgin who is even older than I am. Because I don't want to see my friend walk away, I told him that I would do it. But to be honest? I don't want to. I cringe every time I think about it. It keeps me awake at night. Actually, I'm quite depressed it has to go this way. I don't find this guy attractive at all. I'm not one to place big importance on virginity or sex in general, that's a bit too mushy for my taste, but I need to be attracted to the person I have sex with. I need to want to have sex, you know? Add to this that I seem to have strange sexuality in general. When it's 100% sexual, I seem to be a lesbian, but when emotions get involved, a boy can turn me on just as much. Maybe that's a double standard, but it's simply how I work. So I'm having a very hard time trying to have sex with this guy. If I have sex with this virgin, I can stop the one I care about from moving on. That could be my worst mistake ever made. Also, many people my age don't seem to be willing to put up with a virgin, even lesbians. So it's going to be hard to find someone else who will want to have sex with me, and by that time it might already be too late. Golden boy will have moved on, and I might get to my 30's a virgin, and that's a surefire way to never get laid. On the other hand, I'm not attracted to the virgin. I know I'm not going to enjoy this experience, despite having used enough toys to not feel any pain. I also know that it will not add to anything, because I will not want to repeat it. I won't learn anything, it will only get rid of the 'virgin label'. It will perhaps make non-virgins more willing to date me simply because I can say I'm not a virgin, and my friend will feel like something finally happened. I really owe him that much.For the record - I have addressed those issues to my friend before, but he does not believe me. He thinks they're just excuses and that I'm really afraid to have sex, or even don't like sex altogether. So. Any idea what the best decision would be? Risk losing a great guy or risk having sex with a random guy? I don't want to break my promise to my friend, and on the other hand, I'm just too disgusted and grossed out. Even alcohol doesn't get me over it. xDWell, if anyone took the time to read and answer my question, cheers.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Little_Owl +, writes (5 August 2012):
Little_Owl is verified as being by the original poster of the question True, I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety and post-traumatic stress about 3 years ago, and I had treatment for that. I just never left my comfort zone afterwards. Mood gym tells me I'm average, and that seems to be right. I'll be sure to see what it has to offer though, thank you very much.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 You have got some really warpy thinking going on there. Wow.
"I wouldn't want to date me. I'm pretty, but I have very few friends I talk to regularly, I'm painfully shy, I have no sex life, I don't go to school at the moment, I've got no driver's license, I don't have a job, no passions or interests, nothing." The solution to that litany of 'problems' is NOT having sex with a guy, especially a guy you find repulsive sexually.
I expect you are clinically depressed. There are treatments out there for that, some medical, some talk therapy, some just starting to make healthier choices for yourself. Social anxiety also seems to be an issue.
Look, having sex with a guy you find repulsive is not going to turn you into a dateable woman. The reason you aren't where you want to be is because your mind is keeping you imprisoned. Once you realize this, you'll be on a healthier path.
I have some suggested reading for you, look at my profile for ideas.
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome Run your thinking through that and see where you experience warpy thinking.
If you really and truly wanted to be with this guy, you'd have made some healthy changes to your life. This crush on him is a distraction designed by the negative mind of yours to keep itself occupied. Time to stop thinking so much and focus on being present in the moment. You can change your circumstances but first you have to recognize that you are in a prison of your own devising.
Sleeping with Mr. Repulsive isn't going to magically change your circumstances. It'll just give that busy mind of yours more fodder for self-loathing.
Do the mood gym exercises and get back to us on how you scored. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (5 August 2012):
 If this guy was do great and cared about you he would be with you, your lack of experience wouldn't matter, don't have sex with this other guy, you don't want too and it won't make you feel good, neither guy sounds right for you
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (5 August 2012):
 Getting a healthy life doesn't include having sex with a guy, particularly a guy you don't even fancy. You will still be the same person afterwards, it won't change your life! It won't make your crush suddenly think 'OK, she's experienced now".
You pointed out other areas of your life that you think need improvement (find a job, increase your social circle, etc). I think that if you work on these - which is probably what your crush means - other things will fall in to place on their own.
Having a drunken fling with someone who makes you feel "disgusted and grossed out" will not leave you feeling better about yourself and I doubt your crush will think very highly of it either (since you care a lot about what he thinks). It will not change you into someone else overnight. It will just mean you're not a virgin.
There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. I really don't think this is what your crush means when he advises you to get some experience of life.
Go out and look for work or enrol in college. Enjoy life, and meet new people. You should be doing this anyway in my opinion, not to satisfy or attract a man, but for yourself.
Good luck. DON'T lose your virginity in a drunken fumble - not nice.
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A
female
reader, Little_Owl +, writes (5 August 2012):
Little_Owl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLimited? I thought it looked like I wrote a book!I appreciate all advice, but one thing I would really like to clear up is that my friend is NOT pushing me into this. Maybe I phrased that badly. He never told me: "If you don't have sex with that guy, I'm giving up on you," or anything close to it. I also have been friends with him for a long time before any of this was going on between us, so I know him quite well and I trust him. He didn't take advantage of me sexually when he could have. "I'd stop worrying about doing things that please other people and instead focus on why it is you are allowing other people to determine your path in life."Ironically, my friend told me that too. For the record, I wouldn't want to date me. I'm pretty, but I have very few friends I talk to regularly, I'm painfully shy, I have no sex life, I don't go to school at the moment, I've got no driver's license, I don't have a job, no passions or interests, nothing. Now my friend is simply encouraging me to get a healthy life back - one that I want. He doesn't demand of me to achieve a perfect life, he just doesn't want me to be dependent on him to get one. That would be stepping into the relationship for the wrong reasons. That is why we are not together. However, for ages I haven't made a move to improve my life, and that's what frustrates him and might make him give up on me. If it's hopeless, you move on.I probably sound like I'm making excuses for him, but I think his reasons are good. It's true that I need to get my life back in order first, and I need to have more social contact before I can really know if he is the kind of guy I want. The real problem is, the way my life is right now, no one would want to date me.That is also the reason why I'm afraid that the virgin guy might be my only chance in a long, long time to come. Many people are judgmental about people having no experience at a certain age. I would love to do the thing where I can have sex with someone I connect to, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea for people like me to skip any chances. Isn't that just being picky in a situation like mine? I think it will become a bit of a self-made prison at some point.
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A
male
reader, nonan +, writes (5 August 2012):
I agree that neither guy sounds right.'Lack of experience both in life and sex'? You're 'not ready'? He sounds arrogant and any man worth your time would take their time to share their own experience with you. Sex is certainly something that you should be able to explore with him. Life philosophies and world views are something that there would be more call to learn on your own and see if you grow in a similar direction to him or not.But from the limited stuff you've written, it sounds as if he just wants a someone between the sheets or wants a submissive pet. He really shouldn't be putting the pressure on you to have sex with someone you don't want to.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2012):
 You know what I think? I think you need to drop both of them, your best friend and this other guy. Your best friend can stay your friend, but he's not wanting a relationship with you. I think that guy represents your ideal, but if he were actually telling you the truth, you'll be 40 years old and him however much older than you. I think your best friend isn't being honest with you and is holding back something.
As for random virgin guy, you're missing the entire point of sex! Where in all this "I want to have sex" line of thinking is there room for love, a natural development of a relationship, and honesty to yourself.
If you're a lesbian, then be one. If you are bisexual, then be one. The point is to find someone to fall in love with, to click with, to make each other happy. Sex is the EXPRESSION of those feelings, not the destination and and of all ambition.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2012):
Or perhaps you haven't met the right girl yet. Didn't mean to get that gender specific.
If your friend wanted to date you, there's really nothing stopping him. The conditions he's laid out as pre-requisites to being in a relationship with him? The closest synonym I can come up with is 'bullsh*t'. They are bull-cookies. Manure. Fertilizer.
You're not ready to have sex. No biggie. Perfectly normal. Skip the random sex idea and examine why you are friends with a blackmailer.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2012):
So you are being emotionally blackmailed into having sex with someone, anyone, by this older man who is supposed to be your friend? Weird kind of care and concern he's showing for you here.
I'd stop worrying about doing things that please other people and instead focus on why it is you are allowing other people to determine your path in life.
And for what it's worth, you are not an old virgin. You are quite young, really. It's all in perception and attitude.
I'd say, risk losing the 'great' guy. He doesn't sound all that great to me, to be honest. Skip having sex with a random guy.
You just haven't met the right guy yet. Lose the 'great' guy and you may stand a chance.
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