A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background: My fiance and I have been together for about three years now, and currently live together in a one bedroom apartment. Our relationship is healthy and stable, we are each other's best friends. We are planning on getting married and buying a house of our own soon.When I met my fiancee, we were both a little different. He wore his hair really long, partied hard, we were young and had good times. At that time, him and his younger sister would talk about her moving out here and them getting a place together (she lives out of state). That somehow never happened. Time rolled on, him and I moved in and over the past three years him and I have both grown a lot more "mature". He cut his hair short, we both started getting into things besides getting plastered on weekends, and overall just growing up. We are both content with how things have evolved.A year ago (we were not engaged then), his sister came to stay with us in our apartment for a month . We were all excited about it.Our group of friends doesn't have any girls, so I was excited to have a girl around for once.We get along, but we are completely different when it comes to personality. I'm more structural and logical about how I handle everything and, and I'm very I guess you could say... docile? I don't like to step on other people's toes.Her on the other hand, is not docile, she speaks her mind regardless of others and at times can be very impulsive.Keeping it short, that month that she was staying with us, I pretty much got kicked out of my own bathroom, she rearranged all my kitchen cabinets her way, she kept pushing the idea of convincing my him to grow his hair back out and get drunk all the time, and to top it off I even had to stay out of the livingroom/kitchen until noon because I "get up too early and wake her up". It got so tense that I didn't feel comfortable in my own home anymore. I chose not to fight over "my turf", because I knew that it was only for a little while and everything would go back to normal once she went back home. Plus, I knew that if I said anything, it could strain the sibling relationship between my fiancee and his sister by maybe making him feel like he had to take sides, and I didn't want that to happen.So, I kept my mouth shut.A few months after she left she contacted my fiancee and told him "Hey I'm moving out there in two months, save up and buy a house for us."My fiancee agreed at the moment, without even asking how I felt about it. I felt like things like that should be discussed before just jumping into them, and I got a little upset. When him and I talked about it he said that it's all talk and that's why he just agreed with the whole ordeal, just to humor her. It ended up not happening, but she is coming in two days to spend another month here with us. Whenever she calls or visits she pushes the issue about the new house, and how she is trying to bring other people she knows to move in too. I know it will be brought up again and every time it does my fiance just agrees because "it's all talk" but what if one day it does happen?I feel bad in so many ways, because there is really no easy way to go about this. I do not want his sister to think we don't like her, or anything like that. We are about to get married, and start our own family in our new home, is it bad that I want it to be just us? It's a big time in our lives and I don't want us to be dealing with extra stress.It's gonna be our first house, that I want to decorate myself, and the house my kids will be born into. It feels as if she is trying to make it another bachelor pad, and I don't know what to do.Any advice would help! Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
best friend, drunk, engaged, fiance, moved in, muscle Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 August 2012):
As a person who has been literally a victim of these situations, it is important to open your mouth and express how you feel. No one said you have to yell and scream so putting want YOU WANT on the table is just as important as what everyone else wants.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2012):
 I think you need to sit your fiance down and explain how you feel BEFORE she comes out there. He is NOT a mind reader and can't know how you actually feel.
Some brother and sister have a very tight bond, so you need to accept that, but that doesn't mean his sister can walk all over you.
It means that YOU, and your Fiance sit down and make GROUND rules for her visit. THEN when she comes your FIANCE sits down with his sister and go over them.
...............................
A
female
reader, BsCake +, writes (5 August 2012):
You need to just tell her "NO". It's your house that you're paying for and you don't want her there, Say I want to decorate it myself and be able to walk around naked when I want. Tell her she needs to grow up and get her own place. And Tell your fiance that a relationship is between 2 people not 3. Just tell him no you don't want her there, Cause if she does move in you're gonna end up being stuck with her. It's your place you can go where you want when you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 August 2012):
 You finance must stop making plans without involving you.
And it is your fiance who also has to find the strength to stand up to her for the sake of his relationship with you.
It is his choice.
Though no way do you have to be a doormat either.
She must not be allowed to drive a wedge between you and your fiance.
Otherwise she will take over and ruin the relationship.
She sponges off you. One month is far too long when she lacks 'table manners' and fails to respect you are the fiance of her brother. And your importance in this.
Never allow her name to go on any documentation for the house otherwise it will never be your home. Your fiance needs to learn to say NO and mean it.
Tread carefully but put your foot down. This is your home with your guy. Whether you live in a Tent or in a 100 room Castle. You are the Lady of the house. But make sure your fiance is fully behind you and has already taken the leading role of explaining how it is going to be to his sister. After that any thing you say must also be supported by your fiance.
Present a United front so that she knows that the bullying game is over.
I was once very irked by a woman who rearranged my desk while I was on leave (and she was not even covering my job). Without explanation I rearranged it how I needed it to be while she was at lunch. Expressed similar surprise when she acted surprised that I would change it back. Smoothed it over with her. And tried to tap into her empathy by letting her know that I would never do that to her. And that I was surprised that she would think her new layout etc and where she put things in my drawers would work for me.
Any time his sister wants to rearrange the kitchen, the bathroom just let her know that those are your things and your will decide where your things go.
And if she goes ahead anyway then rearrange it back the way you want it within 24 hours.
Time to Start as you mean to go on.
Start making it clear that some changes are afoot and that in a one bedroom place you cannot accomodate her any more.
Of course your home must be for you and your fiance and any children who come along. A house will only make things worse. She will start having designs on all manner of rooms in a house.
Time to call a halt to this Sister Invasion.
Book a room for her at a local motel for the first three days. After that she can pay for her own accomodation at the motel or find more permanent accomodation in the area.
But NOT in your appartment
You need to be firm. Don't even allow a single bag of clothing or toiletries of hers to even enter the home.
Let your Fiance know in private how hurt you were last time.
Stop being scared of this rude user of a relative.
...............................
A
male
reader, nonan  +, writes (5 August 2012):
Don't be so docile!
When she brings up the topic, say to her that you're having concerns, you want to know for sure it's all talk and explain to her that you want to have your OWN home and have boundaries.
Better do it sooner rather than later!
...............................
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (5 August 2012):
 You need to have a long hear-to-heat with your fiancé, because the two of you need to be on the same page with this, or it is going to cause some serious damage to your relationship.
I completely understand you not wanting to share your new married life, and your new home with another woman, even if it is his sister. It sounds like she is having trouble acknowledging the fact that the two of you are going to be a family unit.
Does she have a job, is she going to pay, or is she expecting her brother to support her? If your fiancé allows this to happen, then he is going to have to set some boundaries for her. She has to be made to realize that she is living in YOUR home, and things are going to be done the way YOU want them done.
She is going to have to have respect for the fact that you are not only the lady of the household, but also her brother's wife. If she can't then she shouldn't be allowed to live there.
I've opened my home to enough friends and relatives to know that if you don't set some house rules, in advance, and clearly lay out the consequences for breaking them (i.e. finding another place to live) then it turns out bad for everyone involved.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): You stated perfectly good reasons to want to have her move in. You're right its crucial to have that life just you and your fiancee. It almost sounds like she is trying to come in between by wanting him to go back to his old ways when you both have matured. Best thing to do is sit them both down and.discuss the plan that way you won't have to back track and tell his sister to have her tell your fiancee, so there is no confusion.
...............................
|
