A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is a long one, so leave the page now if you don't like long stories lol.I am in a situation where I should be feeling on top of the world and settled. But I feel tearful and unsettled.I am in the process of getting back with my child's father after 9 years apart.The break up was complicated and he then met someone whom he has been with for 8 1/2 years. I myself, had quite a few failed relationships, they were never domesticated enough, it was all fun fun fun and my child was never accpeted. I come as a package so I waved goodbye to those that never wanted a family life.His now ex. She hated/hates me and was evil to me and my child. A long story. She has kids of her own and now 2 grandchildren, whom my child's father looks to as his own grandchildren. (he has grandchildren from his first family) Since being apart, he has accumalated a larger baggage whereas life is just myself and my child. I have no family whatsoever. My child is my life.The man in question and I, we have always been in each others hearts but things were always complicated and we never found a way back, until a month ago. He told me he loves the woman, but is not in love with her and not happy there. I told him I had always loved him and there was always a place for him in my heart and my life.He left her and went to live with his mum. The woman won't let him go and rings him and texts him crying. He has stayed with me and our child for 2 weekends now. He won't tell her or her family about me and him. His mum and some of his family know, he wants to take things slowly and build up to a full blown relationship, but right now, just see me and our child at weekends and call us every night.Right now he says, he wants to live how he wants, be free (he wants me and no other woman physically and doesn't want me to have another man either)He says he is just feeling his feet right now after being with her all these years and now on his own at his mum's house.Her family, the children and grandchildren will still be in his life. They had planned to go to a big party to celebrate the jubilee and take my child. This will still happen, but only the woman's children and grandchilren will be going. I'm not invited. This is only 2 weeks away and apparantly too soon for me to be a part of all the family stuff and the kids still won't know about me. Yes, I read that back and I am being taken for a mug here! grrrTo be honest, I am left feeling rather disregarded. He has always wanted his family back and now he has it, he wants to take things slow. I guess, 9 years apart is a long time and we have both led seperate lives.He has always been in love with me he says, and loves the woman but is not in love with her. Not something I want to hear. She wants him back, he says there is nothing there for him romantically but he does not want to break her heart and did not leave her for me, it was on the horizon anyway.He seems to want to make everyone happy, just so nobody will hate him.So, I don't feel too good about things this morning. He left to go to work this morning and is quite happy to let me carry on with my life, home alone with his child in the evenings, not able to go anywhere whilst he runs about another town and wants to please himself.What the hell have I done I ask myself, and my child on the way to school this morning was crying because I was upset about him.My child was over the moon this morning when daddy got her up for school. A first as we live more than an hours drive from each other and has only seen him every other weekend for 9 years.I feel like I have woken up from a coma after 9 years,happy to be snuggled up together on the sofa and in bed, then I realise he has had another life and has accumalated baggage and life is just as complicated as when we first split up. She phoned him last night, he answered and told her he was dropping our child home. She told him she would call him back. He turned his phone off. He left her, he does not have to justify where he is and who he is with anymore. He said it is still raw for her and she is devastated, he refuses to hurt her by telling her the truth about us.I don't want to be treated this way, he says he is not treating me in anyway, just taking things slowly as we are both different people and we need to get to know one another again.I'm not sure what I expect from this agony aunt site lol, and if nobody reads this, I feel better now I have offloaded my emotions.Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): Haven't read the entire post, but in general, what I know of men is that they don't really "move slowly". If they see something they want, they run for it, they don't dawdle or take things slow. Just my two cents.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): Okay look I'm going to shoot straight from the hip here and you're probably not going to like it.
I think you may well be the biggest dreamer I've heard of and how you don't understand the reality of what's happening I'll never know.
First off forget you and he for a minute. Let's say a friend approached you and told you she met an amazing guy and he's only a few months out of a relationship lasting nearly a decade. What would you say to her? Would you really think that this guy can get over 9 years in a few months? Not at all, it takes minimum 6 months to get over a 5 year relationship double that for your guy.
Now let's assume you told your friend for some insane reason to give it a go anyway, add his ex to mix, constantly begging crying and trying to win him back. Would you still think it's a good idea for her to keep seeing him? That's two no's now isn't it?
Add another layer on top of that, that he only ever really turns up to spend the night and shag her and doesn't give a crap what she wants or how she feels, only says he does but acts the complete opposite. So that's a third strike.
Now add another messy layer of the fact your friend is a mother to this guys child and not only is she getting messed about, but her daughter is caught right in the middle of this emotional roller-coaster and is being directly upset by it all.
"Daddy's home!!! :D no he's not :'( now mommy's upset too :(( Yay daddy's home, oh no he's gone again"
On top of all that he won't close the door on his ex. Won't put the final nail in the coffin of that relationship by telling her about his relationship with your friend, he just makes a bullshit excuse about not hurting her. Oh christ, she's devastated, in bits and he's afraid of hurting her? No OP it's an excuse so he doesn't have to commit isn't it? Because he's also full of shit about the love thing.
You don't break up and have a relationship of 9 years in between and realize you really did love that other person more all along. Even movies don't have such ridiculous romantic concepts because no one would fall for that.
Need anymore proof that he doesn't see a future with you? Then why is he keeping your late night liaisons a secret? Take it slowly? Sleeping with you isn't slowly OP, slowly is getting to know each other again. Not using a hopelessly in love after 9 years ex for sex and comfort after a break up.
"I don't want to be treated this way, he says he is not treating me in anyway, just taking things slowly as we are both different people and we need to get to know one another again."
Absolute horseshit isn't it? He's so full of shit I really can't see how you can't see through him. Although all this time desperately in love with him I'm sure you'll take whatever he has to offer, and I'm afraid to say he's not offering anything at all OP.
Now you've heard my opinion, probably hate it, don't believe me and can find a million different little roses and kittens to prove me wrong but the simply fact of the matter is. That's exactly how this is playing out.
The only advice I can give you is if you're going to let this guy get away with all that shit, mess with your daughters head while he bones you and makes up his mind, please don't complain. He's not going to respect you or consider your feelings because he doesn't have to, you're not going to do anything about it. Nothing at all. You're not going to tell him you need to stop seeing each other until he makes up his mind and until he stops being slimy coward and resolves the situation with his ex. You're not going to stop him coming in and out of your daughters life, raising her hope only to snatch it away from her over and over again and you're quite simply not going to do any of this because you want your dream to come true.
If none of those factors are enough for you to make a stand and do what's best for you, then please don't complain. He's walking all over and you're letting him, for no good reason at all except your fantasy of you and he in a happy family.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 May 2012):
 I agree, you need to really step back and take a look at this situation without the complication of emotion (not easy)
I think the most glaring problem here is the underhanded way he is doing this.
I think I would feel much more secure (if i was in this situation) if everything were out in the open and his ex knew he was back with you. It's a declaration saying he has made a decision...
With things in a muddle and him stating he wants his freedom but also wants to be with you, one wonders if he isn't hedging his bets and just seeing what works best for him.
It could be that he genuinely wants to be a family with you and your child but the appropriate steps arn't being taken, he is ducking and diving, not telling people about you guys, switching off his phone when he says he still cares about his ex, saying he wants freedom but making his claim on you...it's almost like saying 'Don't go anywhere, or get involved with another man cos I am still wondering if I want to be with you myself'
He has no kids with the ex, so you would think it could be a clean break...but it isn't.
Protect yourself, don't let your mind build this relationship into something it isn't yet!!! Hold back and tell yourself that only positive direct actions will prove he is being genuine...and the first action is that he should tell everyone, including his ex, that he is back in a relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 May 2012):
 Hi
and phew, what a situation. Its complicated definately but the person benefiting most is your Ex/current man. My instinct is to say be very careful. He may be genuine in that he wants to take it slow, maybe not. But its yourself you should worry about and your child. He has breezed back into your lives after leaving it years ago, bringing his accumilated baggage with him. You have no such baggage,probabaly needed the closeness of a loving man in your life, he has filled the gap.Hes familiar.
Children should come first but one day they leave you for their own life,which is why you should always think of your needs too. Its a pity you hadn't met somebody special before now so you felt you could say no way to your ex. However now hes back, take a good long look at what your gonna gain, if you think he is genuine, if you want him.Dont do everything his way,youve managed without him for years remember.
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