A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Well, I'm wondering what I should do now. I am in a long-term marriage of over 25 years but for many of those years felt very lonely. My wife and I had drifted very far apart and it seemed like we had very little in common any longer except for the children (two grown and gone and one well along in high school). I would try to find things that we could do together, but was often turned down or it just wasn't very much fun for one of us. For years I had been thinking that I needed to make sure the children were grown first and then would see what to do. I guess I was somewhat old-fashioned that way. I really wanted to be around to raise my children and my sons speak well of how I was involved in their lives when they were growing up. My daughter in high school is completely different and is always critical of me or simply ignores me. Well, two years ago now, I met someone who was separated and she and I hit it off really well. (She had been married over 20 years but her husband had had frequent affairs, been abusive and had spent all their money.) She had two daughters and I really developed a friendship for them as well. We spoke often about all different topics together and it was great to have someone to talk with again. She is a student who is back at community college again working toward a degree and I was able to help her a lot. Even her mother liked me when we met. Our friendship developed over around a year and we talked about a future together but I had to resolve my marriage issue first. After the first year that I knew her, she was contacted again by an old boyfriend and they hit it off together. She told her old boyfriend about me though and that she wanted to stay in touch with me and so we continued to call and meet often at the school, Y or other places. Outside of hugs there was nothing physical though. I found a marriage counseler and went. I tried to get my wife to go with me, but she only went a few times and then refused to go any longer. My relationship with my wife and daughter continued to decrease over the next 9 months and I moved out of the house in July. I continue to go to the marriage counseler and have continued to express an interest to my wife of having her go too, but she still refuses. The marriage counselor knows only the issues with my wife, not the other woman I have had the deep friendship (emotional affair?) with. Well, I certainly had hoped that my relationship with the other woman would strengthen after I left my wife, but she now claims that she loves her old boyfriend. (Remember she has not finalized her divorce yet even though it has been well over 2 years since she left her ex-husband.) She wants to stay friends with me and we still can talk about anything, but she is clear that she is now with this other guy and that we would not be able to talk as often. I have told her how I feel about her and now don't know what to do. My wife still doesn't know anything about the other woman. She still won't visit the marriage counseler either although we have gone on a few dates together. We seem very far apart though on what we want for our futures. I could return to my wife, who says she would like to have me return, but am afraid that our marriage would just turn hollow again. I would like to be with the other woman, and that may happen if she ever broke up with her current boyfriend, but that doesn't seem like much of a plan. The marriage counseler is trying to get me to decide about whether or not to stay in the marriage so that I can move forward one way or another. Right now, I remain in an apartment and although I am lonely, it is very seldom that I'm lonely for my wife. I tend to make friends fairly easily (although not deep ones) and have many superficial friendships with other women. Any advice on what I should do? Return to my wife? Pursue a divorce? Stay separated for the next 6 months or year at least?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): i find your word so ironic- your lovers husband had numerous affairs while she was married to him and now she is following in her husbands footsteps: she is now having an affair with another womans husband.
strange, isnt it, she had an issue with her hubby screwing around on her but she has no qualms screwing another womans husband.
Am i wrong , am i the only one who sees the irony in this situation. this married woman moved on with you and now with another man.
red flag. you think you have been so unhappy with your wife but can you image being cheated on as well. there is no denying major marital problems in your marriage but becareful if you think the grass is greener elsewhere.
A
male
reader, Latino201 +, writes (7 November 2010):
I'm 47 years old. I had a similar experience with my X girlfriend. I finally made the decision to leave about 11 years. All I can tell you is that i wish I had at least some of those years back. So much time and romance was lost. I met and married a wonderful woman, We are so happy together that I wish I could stop time just to spend more time with her. If you are unhappy.. and it sounds like you are. You should not be in this relationship. You should not feel guilt about wanting to be loved and wanting more from a relationship. But it sound like first you need to spend some time ALONE, not jump into another relationship Instead go and find your OLD self. Why did this woman pick the other man? Maybe she sees the stress, hurt and anxiety you are probably projecting. Once you find yourself again, feel comfortable with your decisions you can enjoy dating again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): i command you for being a good and present father in your children's lives. Not every1 would have made a decision to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids. But with all that said, i have to tell u the truth. u married your wife because u loved her and u said u want and there is no other, through thick and thin. U took a decision and made a vow before God that u were ready now keep it no matter what.
The problem with us is that we want to run our lives and be in control, that's where and why we fail dismally.
i say start giving your life to God and let him lead u. Make sure that u draw yourself closer to God. Jesus says He is the life, the truth and the way, so what are u waiting for let him direct u. Do not even think about divorce that's the easy way out and it doesn't please God at all. There is nothing that prayer does not solve but sometimes prayer is not enough that's when we need to revolt against our situations and cry out to God just like the Israelite did when they were in Egypt. Don't give up there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Believe me your wife will love u more when she find out that u have fought for he and your marriage and will be faithful to u and love u as Sarah did Abraham. Your love will grow stronger and will be renewed as God makes everything new.
You will see your life and your family will change for the best.Acquaint yourself with the word of God (the bible) you'll find the answers u need there. Get your wife to read it as well and if she's not interested at first don't give up pray more, she'll follow.
Just keep on loving her.
Don't worry about your daughter it's just a stage she'll change as see what a great father u are.Your son's will have an even more love and respect for you and come to you when they have problems, work, friends or any kind. And so will ur daughter u'll see. Trust in God. God bless you and much love.
P.S Do not give up. When things get or seem worse, they are actually getting better. The last kicks of a dying horse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): I think u have been very deceitful in not revealing your emotional affir with the other woman. You are deliberately deceitful with the counsellor and therefore the advice and recommendations made to you is useless without all the facts. You are wasting your counsellors time and your blatant disrespect for the truth speaks vlumes of you.
Another question: how can your wife fix something if she doesn't know it is broken. Yes you have deep issues with the wife but plse try being honest for a change.
As for the other woman ironical: her hb had affairs and she is doing just that. Run mr. Run! She is bad news.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 Hi well am going to start with this other woman, i think you need to let her go, she has made it crystal clear to you that she is involved in someone else and no matter how much this hurts you need to accept this and accept that nothing is going to happen between the both of you i dont even think that it is a good idea for you to still remain friends with her as this will be hard on you if you have strong feelings for her, but if you think you can over come these feelings then maybe you could try and persue a friendship with her but you need to realise that this is all its ever going to be.
As for your wife i think that you should remain seperated for the time being anyway, it doesnt sound like you want to be with her and there is no point going back to her because you feel lonely or because things didnt work out with the other woman, it sounds like your marriage has died therefore i think you need to concentrate on your own life now and build up a new life for yourself.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 Oh dear. What a pity that the other woman met that old boyfriend! : (
But at the same time, if she had really really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't haven't fallen prey to the old boyfriend. And if she wanted to be with you now, she would be, I think.
No, I think you have to give up on the other woman for the moment. As for your wife, hmm. It is a great pity that you have also had these problems with your daughter, as it turns them into a bit of a team against you. Having said that, your wife does want you back. Although she would appear to be quite undemonstrative in some ways, that is a positive note, that she has said she wants you.
You have to ask yourself some hard questions, I think. Eg:
- Do you feel more free, happier and more hopeful now that you are on your own?
- Do you find the idea of the comfort of going home appealing?
- Can you talk to your wife about things changing if you go back?
- Were the issues that your daughter had with you fair, do you think? Should you, or she, change? Is there any way you can approach or understand her differently?
- Are there any other women you like?
I tend to think this:
You should give up on the other woman at the moment.
You could go back to your wife, with conditions, and with her understanding that should things become hopeless again, you would leave again.
You could stay on your own and see what comes along.
It depends how much you love your wife, and how free or otherwise you feel without her. I don't feel as if you owe her a huge amount, because the way you present it, you have tried really quite hard to save the marriage, and haven't had so much positive input from her. But now you've gone, she wants you back. She might need to work a little harder at it.
I almost think you should tell her about your liking for the other woman, to jolt her into action. But then again, it will upset her, and why do that? It probably isn't worth it. You weren't unfaithful in body, but perhaps in spirit.
Good luck with it ...
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