A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Does anyone agree that playing games spices up a relationship? I was with a guy for almost 3 years... we lived together 2 years and had spoken of marriage. One day we had a small argument and I came home from work and all of his stuff was gone. I was totally shocked and devastated because I KNEW what we had and who just gives up on that? Even he (after the break up) said that what we had was "so beautiful." And now, less than 6 months later, he already has a girlfriend (although she lives 5 hours away from him) and she's freaking 8 years younger than I am.And let me just say, neither of us was a rebound.. it had been years for us both since our last relationships... which is also more puzzling to me that he would just dive head first into a new one. I guess what I am wondering is if maybe he just got bored because I can't understand what went wrong and why someone gets to be happy in a new relationship when I am still hurting. I have to wonder if I didn't spice it up enough? There was a time when this guy was so in love with me that it was almost sickening... I was actually a bit turned off... but then things evened out and I fell so hard for him... We have both said that we loved each other more than we have ever loved anyone. Do men always have "the grass is greener on the other side syndrome?"And so, this guy friend of mine recently had a conversation about this and he told me something that kind of makes sense to me. He said, "the minute that you think you know for sure that the guy you are with is in love with you, test him... tell him you need some space to sort out your feelings,and see what he does. But always have the upper hand.... go out with your girlfriends until 2 or 3 am., etc. But never let a guy know just how much you are in love with him.I'm just wondering if there is any truth to this...I believe it's human nature to want what it is we can't have because it makes it exciting. And it's true that it's usually always the dumpee begging for answers and still wanting to get back together... I'm just wondering what men think about this? Would it make you want your girlfriend more and seal any type of love bond if she played just a few games of cat and mouse every once in a while? I'm confused about how to make a long term relationship work. I'm 33 and not getting any younger!!!! :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Emphatic no.
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 The simple answer to your question is no, in fact, a resounding no. Girls who play games are hard work, and as a guy, I would wonder why you are 'playing' at a relationship. I would question whether you are worth the effort. Relationships need to be kept 'fresh' but playing games like your friend suggested is not the way to do it.
In your case, I'm sorry but you have to let it go. Everything has a life, a beginning and an end, and your relationship has ended. There is no point really in dissecting the past to find out if you could have done more, or wondering why he up and left, and why he has a new woman. He has clearly moved on. Maybe what you consider a small argument was a huge deal to him. But he has a new woman. A NEW woman. That means you used to be his number one priority, but not any more.
I appreciate your biological clock has gone into overdrive, and you thought he would be your man for the foreseeable future, for babies and for middle age, but he thought otherwise. So start looking forward.
You want answers, but the only real one is to accept that something went wrong somewhere, and he is the one that somehow got away. Only you and he know what the argument was about. It seems to me that he had it mind to leave anyway.
Keep looking forward.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 What is a relationship? Is it two people deciding that they want to be together? No.
Read that sentence VERY carefully and think about your OWN story. HE decided he wanted to be with you, you decided the mere thought of it made you sick, he decided to pursue regardless, you decided you could contain your vomiting, you decided that you wanted to be with him, he decided...
Your relationship had two people deciding they wanted to be with the other but at very different times in the relationship. And that is what a lot of people forget in a relationship. That both partners can have more then one motive, sometimes conflicting even for themselves, that vary over time.
Why do two people stick together? Warm food, shelter, somebody to talk to, sex, clean clothes, love, excitement, safety. There are many more and obviously the need I have for her varies even over the day. In the morning I need her because she knows were the clean clothes are. In the evening she provides hot food and since I just said this about her, I can forget about sex.
But these are our base needs, the sensible needs. We also want some spice, some action, some adventure. To seduce and be seduced. And this can slip away all to easily when one person is the cleaning staff and the other the cash dispenser.
But how to keep the passion, the hormones of the initial encounter alive? If I knew I would be making billions because most pairs do not succeed. Mostly because it is impossible. You simply can't keep the same initial feeling alive. You are proof of it, initially your reaction was feeling sick at his attempts. Clearly this changed. So hard to then accept his feelings changed as well?
Could playing games have changed this relationship? Maybe not, if he is the type for loose interest fast in general then that is just the way he is.
For future relationships with men who are interested in settling down with a single woman, yes, games do help. But they got to be the right game at the right time.
For instance, say he is feeling bad because the economy is down and he might loose his job hinting that you want to cheat to spice things up probably won't be a good idea.
But if he has been neglecting you, then playing the loving understanding parter with unconditional love isn't right either.
What to do when? That is for you and him and part of being with the right person is that this shouldn't be to difficult once you try. If you have such trouble telling what it is he needs (and vice versa of course) then perhaps that is itself a warning sign you two never connected.
It is like buying a present for your loved one. If you have no idea, then maybe you are not as intimate with him/her as you thought.
So yes, a woman who knows how to play the game is more attractive. Doesn't mean most men, at least I, want a woman who has to be re-seduced every bloody day, but it doesn't hurt a healthy relationship in good time to redo the mating dance.
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