A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a woman seriously for close to a year. I recently found out she had slept with a few guys I know (I wouldn't say they're my close friends, but we run in the same circles.)When I asked if she had been with them, she responded by saying it was years ago, and it was before we got serious. However, in the back of my mind I still feel a little foolish, because up until now I was the only one that didn't know.The reason I'm posting is because we were all at a party the other week, and I didn't find out until later that night. I'm not feeling too secure about the relationship now. I feel like I'm the one dating "that girl."How would you deal with finding out something like that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): I'm with the last Anonymous poster - this isn't about her right to have a past... it's about the fact she has a sexual history with guys who are in their current circle of friends, and SHE and THOSE GUYS know about it, except her current partner - so who looks the fool?
It would have been a lot better if she had just shared it with him originally when they had THE talk, so that it would have been THE TWO OF THEM "against the world" type scenario. Even if it happened YEARS ago, it would have been much better for OP to have known all along. It would have shown open communication and mutual trust.
The best way to deal with it now is to know it happened, that it IS in the past, she has been with YOU in the past year, and to move forward together. Allow her to share what she is able or willing, set your fears at ease, and look for ways to boost your own confidence and self-esteem so that at future gatherings you will feel invincible and even if there is someone from the "past" there, it doesn't matter, they are history and she is WITH YOU.
Good Luck and wishing you happiness!
xxxx E
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): THIS IS NOT ABOUT A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO HAVE A SEXUAL PAST.
Your partner has a sexual history with your friends. No matter how inconvenient this might be for her, you had the right to know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): Just because you know a few guys she's slept with, it doesn't mean she's out sleeping with everyone, or labeled as a 'slut'.
It's horrible you even think that of her, especially after dating close to a year. Like others have said, she has a past, and so do you. Were you really expecting a virgin? o.o
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A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (11 February 2012):
The thing I find funny is that you're concerned with "dating 'that girl.'" as in how the other men will think of you versus your overall quality of relationship with her.
You don't seem jealous that you might lose her to them, you're simply thinking about your self-esteem based on their perceptions of you being with her. Which is actually less about her and more about you, by the way.
So, if your quality of relationship is good and she's a very good partner, consider the fact they are doing without her and you're happy with her. If your quality of relationship is bad, then work on it, eh?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 February 2012):
 If you've been sexually active before you met her, then you're exactly the same as she is. She has a past, and so do you.
How do you deal with it? You don't. You enjoy the present, not dissect her past!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 February 2012):
 I'd be inclined to think to myself: "Well, she's tried all those LOSERS, and now found a great guy (me!).... so let those LOSERS spend all their time drooling.... because I've landed this peach of a girl,.... and am getting a little with her...."
WHY do you guys spend so much time focusing on what/who girls did before they met you?????? WHO CARES???????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 When woman has sex, she doesn't have to make it public knowledge for all future boyfriends to know, because that would be dumb and stupid. It would also infringe her human rights.
There is nothing to be said really. You either get over it (as it's none of your business)accept that things have moved on considerably and get on making your relationship happy....or end it and find someone with an impeccable perfect past that does not offend your sensitivities!!!
Really you need to grow up and get over it because most woemn have a sexual past...like men do...this is what we term as equality and if she is 'that' girl, then I am sure you are 'that' guy.
If you can't hack it...get out and let her find someone else less judgemental!!!
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A
female
reader, suey +, writes (11 February 2012):
Assuming she is of a similar age to yourself, well just like you she will have a past, I'm sure she wont have lived the life of a nun. However I can understand how you feel if she has slept with people you know, if these acquaintances are thinking of her as "That girl" well that is their problem.As you say you are not close friends with these guys and your paths may not cross for a very long time. I would say it would be a pity to let this spoil things between you, let what happened in the past stay in the past and enjoy what you two have together.
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