A
male
age
41-50,
Capri2
writes:If you are reading this you know there's a lot of stuff in the net about Retroactive Jealousy. As someone who's gone through that decades ago I've read a hundreds of articles and discussion about it myself. There is a lot of misguided advice, and over simplistic answers out there. And a handful of possible worth tips. But I think there one tip which is usually missing and that's why I write this article here.I think the more common advice to people going through RJ is "Past doesn't mind, just get over it". And I won't get into details about why "past doesn't mind" is wrong. But for a start this is over-simplistic and unreal. You don't just get over RJ because someone tells you. Getting over it, if possible for some specific person, takes a lot of effort and suffering. And if we put that in perspective, we should consider all the options before making the decision to go through that.I'd bet tips are divided in two major options: keep trying with your partner no matter what, and just leave your partner and move one. But the first one could mean a hell during years and end up in nothing but suffering, and the second one could me getting into a new relationship with the exact same problem. And here is the missing tip:Stay with your current partner for a couple of months to gain some sexual and relationship experience. Then move on.Why am I suggesting this option? Because RJ is mainly based in insecurity about your own sexual experience (specially when you were a virgin before your current partner, or when your partner's sexual experience is way larger than yours). And in the result of comparing this to your partner's experience. And you will never be able to change your partner's experience but you can certainly change yours. And you better do that before trying with a new person. Or you are likely to be in the same situation again.If you understand that there are hundred of reasons why your partner could turn into your ex in the near future, you could realize that what you are doing now is build your previous experience for your next relationship. Then just come to terms with that, have some good time in bed, learn something, and move one. In your next relationship when you compare your own experience with your next partner you'll be more even. It doesn't mean you wont have any RJ again. That's still possible, but at least you won't feel you are in so much disadvantage.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 Hi Capri2
i meant RJ of course.
I mistyped Retroactive Jealousy and thus should have written RJ
sorry for any misunderstanding on that.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 February 2016):
Hi Capri2
i meant RJ of course.
I mistyped Retroactive Jealousy and thus should have written RJ
sorry for any misunderstanding on that.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 January 2016):
The past really does matter to you. I also agree with your words that,"RJ is mainly based in insecurity about your own sexual experience"
Sure you could spend several years getting loads of new experiences for a few months before you move on.
But in each instance you will only develop the relationship a little along but not to the depth you could enjoy if you could address that insecurity. Because a woman takes time to fully relax and open her heart to you and the two of you will find that the longer you are together the deeper the connection will become, as long as you are not being poisoned within with RF.
There are two particular emotions that I feel (fortunately) that I lack. They are envy and jealousy.
But I accept that they are very real emotions in the lives of many people and they cripple relationships and poison what could be a long and lasting happy relationship.
These very real emotions are not something you can sweep under the carpet. They affect everything you do.
I was delighted when I found that my first husband knew so much more than I and he set about teaching me really well. I appreciated his diligence. I never once asked him who his other girlfriends had ever been though I gather there were a few. However I was the only girl he took home to meet his parents so I must have done something right.
However I accept that it is a strong need, for you to discover and to discuss every previous relationship.
If you do not know, about the who, how, when, where of the previous suitor then it eats away at you until it becomes an obsession and that is not easy for you. It is also very draining on the other party.
My first husband did find it funny how much I did not know but he remedied that situation.
My second husband definitely had met many ladies and at one point he wanted to tell me the details. I said I did not want to hear as they were not in his life now. So I preferred to focus on him, not who he knew before me.
To his credit he did not try to demand I tell all. However bit by bit I let him know some things I could tell he was curious about.
It did not seem to derail our relationship and if it had seemed to affect the relationship then I doubt we would have married.
Because envy, greed, jealousy, meanness of spirit and any hint of abusiveness are not attributes I value in a partner.
I did especially love that he insisted that I leave up the pictures of my first husband winning some sporting events and some other memorabilia. He insisted that I leave those things and not banish these items. He gained huge kudos from me for being accepting that I always loved my first husband a lot. He never tried to compare himself with my first husband. After all how threatening is a deceased spouse? Once again if it had become a problem I doubt that we would have married.
However Once again I accept and respect that your thinking may be different on this.
While it is not much comfort, you may like to consider that you are denying yourself all manner of loving relationships because the "elephant in the room" is her ex, or maybe even her several exes.
That is sad for you. Though not her, as she is able to move on to another relationship if she does not suffer RF
If you could find a sexual therapist/ psychologist, then do you think you could be helped to better copy with your RF? Would you like to be free of this millstone around your
neck?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 January 2016):
 If men are jealous, they are jealous of the ability that others can hook up with no strings attached. The ability to pick up a chick in a bar then go home with her in 30 minutes.
Your tip is for men who aren't able to do that. So they have to trick a woman into believing she's going to have a relationship. After hurting her and moving on, it still doesn't change the fact that he's not able to attract a woman to have casual sex with. He would still be at a disadvantage because he has to lie about his intentions. He can't be honest about sex is all he wants, and gets it too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 January 2016):
 Absolutely unethical. Morally despicable. The triumph of a coward, self serving, over inflated ego which feels it is preferable to treat people just as means to a petty selfish end , rather than doing some serious , decent attempt at personal change.
If a man feels that accruing sexual experience is the best or only way to cure an OCD disorder ( I doubt it,btw ) then he should be honest and PAY a professional sex worker, aka a prostitute. At least then everybody will know exactly what's the deal . He should not go around manipulating and exploiting persons who could have invested sincere feelings in him and in the relationship, and have no idea they are being used to pander to a neurosis.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 January 2016):
I see the logic completely. I’m not so sure it’s a good way to treat people though. There is your partner, whatever his/her past, thinking you are building a relationship together, not knowing that they’re being used by you to get over your own insecurities and preparing the ground for some-one else. Your method may work, but its morality is dubious. I think people have to be honest with each other. If you want to use a more experienced lover and that person is fully aware and happy for a few months of fun that will come to an end, fine. I can’t see many people going for that though.
I wish you all the very best.
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