A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help in dealing with Retroactive Jealousy. I’ll keep this as short as I can. Kevin (my bf) was in love with me since school. I didn’t feel the same way and turned him down. A couple of yrs later, I fell for him and tried to approach him. He wanted to give me a taste of my own medicine and turned ME down, although the whole world knew he was still in love with me. Whatever it was, I had never expected him to reject me. I took it very hard because by then I had fallen in love with him. However, I decided never to talk to him because well, if he didn’t want to be with me, why should I run after him??Fast forward 6 years. I was working in another city. One day, I saw a friend request on facebook from Kevin. I couldn’t believe my eyes!! He sent me some messages saying he was sorry about everything he had said, that he still thought about me and if we could meet up. In the span of 6 yrs, I had 2 disastrous relationship myself, one with a guy who I thought was a Kevin look-alike(I know, stupid, right????), another with a player who was a real jerk.Anyway, once I got re-acquainted with Kevin, I told him about my past and he told me about his. He had had a crappy relationship with a girl who he said completely used him, cheated on him, then left him once she was done with him. This didn’t really bother me that much, and we decided to give “us” a shot, after almost 12-13 yrs of knowing each other!Once in the relationship, I started getting curious about Kevin’s ex. I wanted to know about her, what kind of a relationship they had, etc, etc. He was never very happy talking about it, but still told me whatever I wanted to know. Now keep in mind that I never had any problems with Retroactive Jealousy in my past relationships. Honestly, I couldn’t even be bothered with anyone’s ex’es at that time. But I don’t know why with Kevin, I wanted to know more and more and more.I innocently asked him what her name was, so I could look her up on Facebook. I tried searching for her, but there were too many people with the same name so I gave up. I would constantly compare her to me, ask him why he treated her differently and why he doesn’t love me as much as he loved her, why he allowed himself to be “used” so much by her, as he said he was. I think her name came up once every 2 days and we fought like crazy. Kevin always said she was a mistake and that he absolutely hated her now and he doesn't give two hoots about her now. But I couldn’t and still cant get over his past with her.Yesterday, I finally tracked her down on Facebook. She looks like a slut, which Kevein himself says she was. She was the kinds who would show her cleavage to get her work done. Now I cant deal with it even more. I cant believe how he was with her, WHY he was with her, and how someone like him could ever fall for this woman. Kevin thought she got married after she left him (some common friend apparently told him so), but her Facebook status says “single”. Either he really didn’t know or he lied to me.I clearly cant deal with this anymore. Somedays when I try to control myself, its good. Things are back on track. We are the perfect couple whom every outsider envies. Other days, its terrible. I bring up her issue in some conversation or the other and we just fight. Kevin cannot understand my problem and he thinks Im just over reacting. I know he loves me and she was his past, but then why am I so hung up on his past??I don’t know if our relationship will last. I don’t think I can ever deal with his past. What should I do? Should I end this thing once and for all? Or are there any straws left to clutch?
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male
reader, Big T203  +, writes (17 April 2011):
Well you are being really unfair to him I have actually been in similar situation. You just gotta figure he was with her and you were with "a Kevin look-alike(I know, stupid, right????), another with a player who was a real jerk." . now would it be fair if he probed into your past looked up these guys . and wonders how a girl like you would end up with a player ? Couples therapy is really helpful in this situation. Because comparing your self to someone else's past is not healthy.
A
female
reader, Lizzy111  +, writes (17 April 2011):
Sorry but I cant be very nice about this...Oh and you dated couple "perfect" guys - he then also has rights to say - how could you be with someone like that, think about it- would you like him to obsess about people from your past that dont matter to you anymore????? Don't do to others what you dont want to be done to yourself and if you are so obsessive about someone's past then you need to date a virgin. I hope you will sort it out in your head and find happiness with this person.
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A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (17 April 2011):
First, I'm sorry you're going through with this. Second, pardon me if I'm frank in my answer. Well, in my opinion, from what you have stated above, if you end this with him you will regret this later because it sounds like you two really care about each other. Honestly I agree with your BF when he said that he thinks you are overracting. We all have pasts and we all have skeletons in our closet. We have most all dated someone that burned us or used us, and have all dated someone that probably made other people think we were absolutely brainless. I think the only resolution for you, if you care about this man enough, is to seek counseling and work on this. I really feel like this is not fair to either of you but especially your BF because you are punishing him for something that....well, I guess you could say it is his fault because he chose to date her. Let's keep it real though, can we really grudge people in that way for dating someone like her? So my point was, you are punishing him for something you have no right to punish him for. This is not fair at all. Perhaps you see something in her you don't see in yourself? You have to realize that if she did him dirty and all this time, even when he was with her, he still thought of you then YOU are the lucky one. YOU are the one who is giving him what he needs and treating him like he deserves to be treated, not her. If you find it difficult to get past this with his support then you really should consider counseling. Don't let your good relationship fall victim to something that really is, in the scheme of things, trivial. Good luck.
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