A
female
age
36-40,
*eathery
writes:Hi everyone, I am new here and i'm hoping you can help me.About 8 months ago my bf and i broke up and he started seeing someone else. Over time i tried moving on, and started dating guys, but it never really worked out as i still had feelings for my ex. He had feelings for me too, and told me he loved me all the time and that he wanted things to work out for us.The last time i saw him was new years day and we have barely spoken since then, until tonight. He's really down in the dumps, he feels that guys like him who are just trying to be decent blokes and survive get all the crap from women. I tried to tell him it doesn't work like that, but because he knows i have dated others, he has lost faith in me that i don't want him anymore.How can i restore that faith. I tried dating others, it didn't work, and i've told him i want to be with him and him only. I really want to do this, so please don't reply with 'move on and find better' because that isn't going to happen. I'm after strategies and tips to actually show him how much he still means (as actions speak louder than words)I really hope you can help me. Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 I think you just need to accept that he doesnt want to have any contact and move on. If you keep trying to contact him then you are taking things to far and he will think that you are being clingy and needy when a relationship is over that often means that there will be no more contact therefore i think you really need to accept that and move on, you have wrote and texted and he has ignored you, its time to leave him alone and move on.
A
female
reader, feathery +, writes (30 January 2011):
feathery is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, a little update for you all and some further advice is needed...
I dropped this letter off at his flat on thursday morning. I've heard nothing from him, i don't even know if he actually read the letter or not, he may have put it straight in the bin for all i know!! I've tried texting him, as i've recently found out that he broke his hand the other night whilst out. Still no reply.
So all this has lead me to believe that he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Thing is, I'm gonna need closure on this, otherwise i know i won't be able to move on from him. How can i ask him to give me closure if he's ignoring me?? Now i bet you're thinking "why does she want closure?" Well i would rather him just tell me straight than just leave me sitting and wondering.
I hope some of you could give me some help on how to approach asking him to just tell me straight what i already know. I say i've sent him text messages, but his phone could be broken. I could call, but he probably won't pick up. There's always email or facebook, or i could even turn up at his if needs be. Just need some help on what to say, whichever method of contact i choose to pursue.
Thanks again everyone...
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A
female
reader, feathery +, writes (20 January 2011):
feathery is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunt honesty - no he doesn't live with her. I need to re-draft it a few times to make sure everything is there that i want in there, so i'll send it when i've finished.
Thanks again to everyone for all your help. I'll let you know what happens :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 January 2011):
Ok so i dont think the letter is a bad idea realistically but is he living with his current girlfriend? Because you dont want to risk the fact of her getting her hands on his mail and then world war three breaking out, if he lives on his own then yes post away by all means.
You shouldnt really need to wait at all if this will be closure for you then go straight to the post office buy a stamp and post it! At least then you know deep down you have said and done everything you can and your destiny awaits in his hands.
After sending the letter please do not contact him again. Its really not worth the heartache so before you send the letter make a vow to yourself that no matter what you will not contact him again unless he contacts you and stick to that. Do not under any circumstances text or call him if he doesnt give you a reply to this letter then you need to accept that he is not interested and move on.
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female
reader, feathery +, writes (19 January 2011):
feathery is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the time being, I sent him a text a couple of nights ago actually asking outright if he want me to give him some time and space for a while. To this is got no reply whatsoever (how rude) so last night i sent him another text that said "Judging by your silence, I guess you do need some time and space after all. No problem, I'll be in touch..."
Now, here is how i plan to get in touch with him. I am in the middle of writing one hell of a long letter, with everything in it, how i feel about him, everything we ever shared, hopes and fears etc. I'm putting alot of effort into this and i have explained in the letter that it's pretty much my last attempt to fight for him and have him back in my life and that i am aware that it may not work out.
Does anyone think this is a bad idea? for me to try one last time. and how long should i actually wait before posting the letter??
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A
female
reader, feathery +, writes (19 January 2011):
feathery is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mr Anon, i hope i land in a happy place whatever happens too :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I am a normal guy who`s just had problems and have now decided enough is enough. You have the patience of a saint and so forgiving its unbelievable. Would be so good to see you land on your feet.I think though,its not happening if its with him. If my ex would have been of your make up I would still be there. I really hope with or without him,you land on a very happy spot.
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female
reader, feathery +, writes (18 January 2011):
feathery is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. Let me try and give you some more background...
Our relationship broke down due to many things. We both lied to each other (which neither of us are proud of) we didn't necessarily argue, only when things got really bad. Once when we were broken up, a friend of his sent me an MSN conversation my ex and his wife had, with blatant evidence that he was seeing another girl. We talked about it, and i asked him all the questions that i wanted to ask, he told me the truth and we put it behind us and got back together.
Since that first time, he has done this a further 3 times (got with others after breaking up) but somehow we always ended up back in each others lives. I put the first 3 behind me as he no longer speaks to any of them. But i think this time it'll be more difficult. Now, once i went for a drink with a friend of his (we were broken up and all i did was go for a drink) i switched my phone off, and when this guy dropped me off, my ex was outside my house and flipped. We stayed up all night talking and crying, and i promised i wouldn't ever do it to him again, and i didn't. So the trust was broken on both sides several times.
We've been through alot together. He has lost a fair few family members, and more of his family are falling ill to cancer and other terminal illnesses. He has also been with me when i've been to visit my dad's grave and even supported me when i went to a friends dad's funeral. We've told each other things that we have never told anyone else.
When it came to me dating others, the first guy (who i worked with) made a move on me a week after i told him we had broken up. I wasn't expecting it to happen and he was a nice guy, but because that was kinda my rebound, i hurt him bad and left my job. The second guy i met by accident. This was only in mid November last year. He offered to take me out, and he seemed nice enough, but then proved himself untrustworthy by using my phone to ring and threaten my ex, and read my text messages between me and my ex whilst i was asleep!!! So again, it didn't work out as i still wasn't over my ex.
Shortly after that, my ex promised me everything. He said he would split up with his gf in the new year and that we could talk about things and take it slow. I was so happy. But now it's all changed. He's not sure if he can do it anymore, because i ended up seeing the second guy (bearing in mind it lasted all of 3 weeks before the second guy showed his true colours!)
I think he's lost faith in me and how i truly feel about him. Since new year, he wasn't in contact much, and i just kinda left him to it so as not to bombard him with texts/emails etc. But he said the other night that he had been having nightmares about me and felt he couldn't be in contact with me, as a similar thing had happened to his best mate (best mates ex told him she loved him, slept with him, then slept with someone else) he's not in a good place right now i don't think. He's always stressing about money, and him and his gf tend to have pretty heated arguements, sometimes over me.
He says that actions speak louder than words, how can i show him just how much he means to me? Even if it doesn't work and i end up moving on, i have to try everything, then at least i'll be able to move on knowing that i tried everything i possibly could.
Hope i managed to answer some of your questions and that you now have a better idea of whats going on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Are you volunteering for something anon female? I dont think he`d be likely to believe it was serious anyway. She wants her man back,not to share him. This is rather a difficult one,as no one knows the background and does seem to show she is the one who`s possibly regretting it. To put it bluntly,if you are genuinely sorry,hurting,all you want is your baby home,then to put the story as it really is would be very distressing when the haa haa haa,serves you right start on you. I think most people know what they did and paying for it. No need to be told what they know and want to try and change for the better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): You could offer him a 3 in a bed session with another woman if you believe there is nothing you would not do for him. Both heads going low. You are likely to know what will do it for him. Okay, i admit this was supposed to be a joke,but he is a man and it makes me wonder? If it was real and he said yes which he will he will soon forget anything bad from before.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Iam a 40 year old man,seen life and had my highs and lows. If the man in question gets a sexual tingle by imagining his wife/girlfriend sighing with pleasure underneath,sat on top of or doing oral sex with another man (or several men), then he will be back soon. If this doesnt fit his personality,then stop fooling yourself because the odds of him coming back would be a miracle. You in his belief,rightly or wrongly will be no more than a woman who is there for the purpose of men who want something better than a wank. That is not aimed at trying to insult you,it is aimed at making you see it how it is likely to be now. You have to move on,you have no choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Why,if he started a relationship,do you have to restore faith?You have dated guys,more than 1 as it sounds. If you are so perfect together neither of you would want to be with anyone else and it wouldnt have happened,and actions speak louder than words as you know. He has told you his opinion of it all,as it is now. If he told you that he wanted it to work out while you dated guys,the likeliest result is you may be far better believing what he is saying now. Men tend to never quite get over the woman they love with other men. They think differently. He is not likely to see you as he used to,and its well and truly over,nothing more than nostalgia because to him you will be soiled goods now,not his Queen,nothing more than a girl who gives it away. Men dont ever see it in the same light once theres been someone else,and what he is saying doesnt sound to me like he has really dated since you parted, but could have said it as to show you that he can do it too. You may find that you have no choice as to move on because it doesnt sound like he see`s you as a safe bet,and due to events afterwards I dont know why you believe any different. Hope I am wrong about it,but I think you may have to accept you are no longer his pride and joy and he wont be coming back. Has he told you he wants to?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Pieces can be cut out and changed in fiction but it cant change what happened in real life otherwise it becomes fiction.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Is it "you" he has no faith in or all women? There is a reason for breaking up. If it is that you treated him badly,cheated or lied(especialy more than once)or made him suffer mentaly in whatever way,then the chances are when you get comfortable you will do it again. If he went back,he isnt going to be the man you remember. If this doesnt apply to you then why are you the one who needs to restore his faith in you, and not the other way round? It just might be that you have missed some parts out or changed the order around after you broke up,because it says so little,its like something of a puzzle.
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female
reader, tcm  +, writes (17 January 2011):
If he was seeing someone else then his argument isnt valid. Did you mistreat him? Some more info is needed. If you betrayed him then broke up,its not impossible but even still,the chances are the best days are over. If you didnt betray him or mistreat him then why does he believe nice guys are treated like crap off women? There seems to be gaps that need filling.
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A
female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 I agree that you shouldn't have to explain. The way you made it sound is he started seeing someone first and then you did over time. Here i am i will help you manipulate the manipulator. Tell him that you couldn't stop thinking about him, you tried everything but for some reason his name was burned on your heart. Tell him you had to force yourself to move on because he did but it didn't feel right because no one compares to him in your eyes. Tell him you always knew that fate would cross your paths again. That you've never loved like you love him, infact you think that you've never loved anyone but him, because it feels so different. Hope this helps you fill his needyness good luck, but know in your heart that you deserve answers too, not just him.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (17 January 2011):
Well he is the one that started seeing someone therefore i dont understand why you should be the one that has to restore the faith. I guess all you can do is to tell him that you went out dating other guys because you were trying to move on from him but that it didnt work and your feelings are still there. Tell him you still really care about him and that you want him back. That should be enough for him. But the both of you need to work hard on getting the relationship back on track. You need to resolve the issues on why you both broke up in the first place. There is nothing you can really do just show him that you care for him and be there for him. Goodluck.
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