A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why is it, that a guy would have the same answer to literally EVERY question, that he should know: "I don't know" it is driving me insane. I actually feel like I'm going crazy. It could be about food, beer, how to cook something, (he has cooked his whole life, I don't cook, when I try to cook, no input), where is something that is yours that you should know where it is, where do we usually order pizza since you always order it, did you feed the dog... I could keep going. Its always "I don't know", never "yes" or "no". I could handle just a straight answer. Anyway, I think I'm loosing it and going to snap if he says "I don't know" to another thing, and I have been extremely patient and not nagging, just daily relationship / life questions that never have an answer, ever. Is he just tormenting me? This has been going on for months. I'm completely at a loss. Does want a divorce? Is there something he is just not telling me that I should really know? What gives? Do you know why a guy would do this?? Is there a way to word a question that a guy will understand, or is he just being so passive aggressive that he can't even stop himself?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Thanks for writing back. You have some pretty good ideas there.
I have to share a bit of my own experience with you. My wife frequently doesn't know what she wants. But, she certainly knows what she doesn't want. Some times it's like pulling teeth to find out "why" she doesn't want it. Once I find that out I can come up with an idea she likes.
My wife's problem was that she was worn out from stress and long hours at her job. She really did need to get out and get her mind off things, but all she wanted to do was sleep away her days off. I had to find low energy things to do that got us home early.
I'm sorry to say that your husband sounds depressed. When you say he just doesn't enjoy the things he used to, that is one definition of depression. Of course we can't make a diagnosis with so little information, but a sudden change of behavior is suspicious.
Go ahead and plan things drag him along if you have to. If the depression is not too deep he will begin to have fun once he gets started. You do need to be careful because sometimes he won't come around and that will be pretty hard for you.
I have yet a different problem. I'm Diabetic. If I am having a low blood sugar episode, one of my symptoms is that I just can't make a decision. This is a bad situation for those around me because if I would eat the problem would go away, but I can't decide what to eat. So I have had to learn to say, "I can't make any decisions fright now, you will have to order for me". Then I have to remind myself to be patient. Any way a cup of juice and 15 minutes will solve that problem.
A similar thing can be effective for depression symptoms. First get his attention, do some thing that he likes that will distract him. Then ask the question. Often times we get so wrapped up in our worries or stress that we don't really listen to what is going on around us. Actually many would say this is a symptom of being Male.
The main idea here is to reopen the lines of communication. This is important for any relationship. He is shutting you out, and that is why you get frustrated. Keep working at it, you will get to the bottom of this.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Thanks everyone, especially FA. You get it. We are not arguing and I'm not looking for Mr. Answers here, it may sound like it because I put up a lot of examples from the past few months. It's questions only he can answer, like what he wants to eat and such. Daily living life stuff. Maybe narrowing it down will help. I just hope he's not depressed or anything.
He was never like this before, he was very conversational and fun. I wouldn't get upset if he gave a wrong answer, I just want to participate in his own life with me. I don't want to make decisions for him or assume what he wants all the time. I want him to be happy. I've tried talking to him but I don't want to run it in the ground or make him feel bad or think I'm frustrated, which I was when I wrote my question, so I'm sure it sounds like it. I just don't know what else to do.
To give more details, I've tried to just suggest, something fun to do, food to get etc... When I suggest instead of ask him he shoots me down for everything. It's like he's lost complete interest in me or anything. I just feel lost in this whole thing. He just only has fun when we're watchin TV it seems.
Maybe I'll book us a weekend trip fo a surprise, or just cook dinner on my own and hope I don't mess it up. :)
Thanks again everyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): He might have things on his mind and hes mentally 'out to lunch'. Saying he doesnt know, saves him having to give the matter any real thought. So he could be preoccupied. Or as someone has already suggested here. Maybe hes tired of all the questions and feels its all questions and no conversation anymore. All your examples were questions regarding what he had or hadnt done. Like cooking, which he always does. Ordering in food, which he always does. Even feeding the dog. He might feel life is all chores and hes not appreciated, so hes disengaged. Sit down and talk to him, ask him if hes happy.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Another stupid question, but was he like this before the wedding?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Perhaps he feels that you will attack him for giving the "wrong" answer. Doesn't matter if you actually will, just saying he may be under that impression.
For instance, you ask where the remote is, he tells you it's under the cushions. Maybe he's worried that if it's not there you'll come back and be mad that it's not there. Or you ask about a recipe, he tells you what to do, maybe he's worried you'll complain that he's criticizing you.
Seriously, though, Jmtmj has the right idea, just ask him. Maybe he'll say he doesn't know - in all likelihood, he actually doesn't. But it would be a chance for you to ask him to give a real answer. Try to frame it as kindly as possible, to be supportive and open with him, rather than telling him it's frustrating you or anything - that would only put more pressure on him, and make the problem worse.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 January 2011):
No, I don't think he wants a divorce or is being passive / aggressive. And To Jmtmj, the reason she doesn't just ask is because he will say "I don't know".
Really I don't have the answer myself because I frequently suffer from the same frustration. I do suggest that you look into his mental state is he depressed of stressed or over burdened. It seems he just doesn't have the energy to answer.
As to how to ask the questions try to make it a simple decision for him. Would you like chicken or beef? Should I order from Domino's or Pizza hut? If you narrow it down to two acceptable choices it will be easier for him to pick. As long as you give him choices that will be acceptable to you.
Please feel free to ask follow up questions.
FA
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Why does he have to have all the answers anyways? I hate feeling the same way when my husband want me to tell him where everything in the house is; as far as I know, it's his house too! I tell him that "my uterus is not a tracking device". Perhaps you expect him to be the "Answer Man" and ask too many questions and he wants you to take responsibility for yourself? Guys don't like verbalizing about everything and most of them aren't detail oriented either - so I can see lots of reasons why he might be getting miffed. Just ask him, like Jmtmj said as well!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Stupid question, but have you actually talked to him about this?
It's all very well us guessing whats up with him, (if anything) but the only way you're gonna get an accurate picture is to talk to him yourself.
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