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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm trying to gain some insight on things.. I wish my ex would come back but I have questions the situations that happened over the course of the 3 years I was with him.I wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me try controlling him and wanting more attention. I know i made mistakes but most who are close to me and even my mother said you acted certain ways because of how he was treating you. My close friend said you would have to be made of steel to not be affected by some of the things he said/did. Please read each of the points. i recently told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before.He knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, he said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things.My ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc.Here are some tiny details that I guess can lead to a big picture:1. When first beginning dating him, (3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him.That spot was for friends i guess(BUT it made me think of that saying--friends before ho*s)..it bothered me a tiny bit but i felt ok, its still early on maybe he just wants to show his friends are still his top priority.after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive).He was trying to avoid it i guess but it turned into an actual argument about me sitting in the front when he was driving..i wanted to be sitting next to him and felt it was disrespectful i would be in the back(i didnt mind it sometimes but it was as if i had to earn my way to the front or i didn't belong there).My sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front.Even when we were going out and he decided he didn't feel like driving and his friend took his car and drove---it almost made me feel like it was done on purpose, because obviously my b/f is gonna sit up front with his friend and i would be the back. at that point, that was probably me being really insecure but that was how it made me feel due to the past.Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back.But the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy,I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother.Apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it..Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls..i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.It's obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while did his thing or spent time with his family.There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me. I felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something...4. I wanted him to say i love you more often..i didn't think every night before we got off the phone was too much to ask..but i had to ask him for it..i needed to hear it more often..and i didn't ask him to do it after 6 months or even a year..im pretty sure it was after a year of dating or more i wanted him to say it more often like every night.5. He hardly ever complimented me6. My friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well...i liked it, it made me feel like i was safe but that indifference quality i guess could be a problem for some.7. His friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding... it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me...and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? i felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me.9. He embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.I felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap...and afterwards i was getting teary eyed while watching tv with him in his house still saying how could you do that and he basically just said he didn't want to hear it etc etc.I honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself..i am thinking...maybe i showed some jealousy a few days before or we had a fight recently or something and he still was mad..i honestly can't remember but i don't understand how he could say that to his mother when i told him not to do it because i felt like it would make me look bad or something...and he did it anyway..even if he was mad about something, he didn't have to do that which made me feel like i looked like sh*t.There were other factors as well that made me insecure and I could name more words said or little things done.. but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether I was wrong for feeling this way.I am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this I reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but I still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently.But here are some examples of things that have happened and I am still wondering if I had a right to feel somewhat insecure and maybe all of this wasn't just my fault?I have been without him for a few months and sometimes I just really miss him and feel sad especially when it's not easy to find someone else I would like to date.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Crikey, I had to read this one twice just to take it all in! Basically to sum up my opinion, you and your ex are just two very different people that are not compatible.
From your list of reasons why you were not happy with them, I could only really find one that was bad on his part (the one where he mentioned to his mum that you didnt want to eat with her after you specifically said to him not to say anything). Apart from that, I think his behaviour was pretty reasonable and he didnt really do much wrong.
But then again, you didnt do anything wrong either. I think what happened here is it is a case of two people with very different ideas of how to behave when in a relationship. Take the car seat example, you felt pushed out and under-valued by having to sit in the back, whereas he will have just wanted his friend not to feel pushed out when he is really the "third wheel" in that situation (a couple + 1 is never a good combination, as the person without the partner often feels like they are in the way). Whenever I was in the car with my ex, and we were going to pick one of his friends up etc, I would automatically sit in the back out of courtesy for his friend. This is just me and the way I think - you clearly have different opinions.
And with the wedding situation, I have done this many times to my exes! By accident of course! There are many times when I forget to introduce someone, it is not because I dont care it literally is because I forget and then realise a few seconds later! But I guess your ex should have apologised, if your actions hurt someone else then it is common courtesy to apologise.
I really do think it is just a case of two people here with very different ideas on how a person should behave in a relationship - I guess if you ever tried talking to your ex about it I bet he would never think he had done anything wrong and never understand where you were coming from. That would show just where the two of you differ and I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about it.
I dont think you should blame yourself here, nor should you blame your ex. You were just too different - learn from this relationship and try and make sure your next partner has the same relationship values as you, so this situation doesnt occur again.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): To the OP, is this a prank or are you simply bored?This is a rerun of the [same] question[s] over and over again. Nothing has changed in the paragraphs either. Check out previous postings on : 18 Oct 2008Title: Am I right to feel somewhat insecure, and maybe all of this wasn't just my fault? URL: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-rigfht-to-feel-somewhat-insecure-and.html2 Nov 2008Title: "Was I in the wrong here or was he? Advice appreciated!" URL: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/was-i-in-the-wrong-here-or-was.html20 Nov 2008Title: "I wish my ex would come back" URL: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-wish-my-ex-would-come-back.html27 Nov 08Title: Did I have a right to feel insecure in this relationship? URL: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/did-i-have-a-right-to-feel-insecure.htmlDid I miss a few more postings from the past?Any updates since those past postings?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): When I read your post I tried to be objective and weigh up the points individually and think ok that could be because of this or that - in other words I guess there is always a possible explanation for everything but I want you to think about something that is very important. You don't feel right about this guy do you. He has made you feel humiliated (whether or not you should is irrelevant) he has. You are not overly comfortable with him. You notice small but not necessarily obviously 'wrong' things in what he says and does. I believe that this guy is a little bit controlling and manipulative. The fact your friends (people that care about you and are impartial) don't see many positives should support your own gut instinct. Gut instinct is something we try and ignore in our quest to love and be loved and boy does it get in the way. If he is not making you happy, you feel odd and hurt about things maybe its time to let him and his 'take it or leave it' personality go. I think it is undermining your sense of self and your confidence from what you write you are questioning whether or not you are imaginining things and this has the potential to get worse not better. If you want to give it time then I urge you to keep a diary, for your own sanity, and review each days input after 3 months. See what you write about the relationship and him and note down the things which are said etc. Don't waste your life on someone that makes you feel bad about yourself - a man should make you feel you can be the best you are.
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