A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A little background before I ask my question - I grew up in a strict and controlling environment with very traditional and religious parents. I still live with them and I have to abide by their rules (i.e. – not going outside freely like most people my age, when I am “allowed” to go outside I have to come home at 7-8pm even though I'm an adult now) or else there will be constant fighting and arguing in my home. My mother will make my life a living hell for me if I don't respect and follow her rules in the household. My mother is very set in her ways and has the mentality of, “It’s either my way or the highway." For much of my life, I've done exactly what has been told from my parents especially my mother. I’ve been an A student all my life, never got into any trouble, don’t party, don’t do drugs/drink, and I see myself as a respectable person. I've never been a rebel or try to break any of their rules. Whatever is expected of me, I do it only because I don't want my mother to fight with me. It seems like this is my father's pattern of dealing with my mother as well (even before I was born) in order to be on her good side so no fights would ensue. However, my mother is the type of person who irrationally starts fights for no reason or takes a little problem and makes a mountain out of it in order to get her way. Something that is so simple to resolve through a little communication and listening, she won't do it. She will start yelling, insulting, and threatening everyone. Basically, she has been verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to us since I can remember and for reasons I do not understand since we are not even “bad” in my eyes. There is absolutely no way in reasoning with my mother, like I said she is highly irrational, erratic in her behavior, and thinks she is right and we all have to bend over backwards to apologize to her in every situation. Clearly, she does not understand that sometimes she is at fault and how her negative actions/behaviors towards us hurt us very much.Whenever my mother gets angry (even if she clearly is in the wrong, it doesn't matter) with me she gives me the silent treatment. It usually lasts for about a week or two, since I always have to profusely apologize for my actions (whether or not I was wrong) and then she will slowly start talking to me again. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. My mother does this to my father and my siblings (when my siblings were living with us) as well. When it comes to a fight (with me or my siblings in the past when they were living here), my father will take my mother's side (even though he knows its wrong) in order to appease my mother so they do not end up fighting with each other. The fights have been getting worse over time (happening daily), where my mother will kick my father and I out of the house, she will insult/belittle/ignore my father and I, etc. She locks my father out of their own bedroom so he cannot have access to his stuff, she takes away my things, etc. I'm fed up with this treatment. She acts like we are little children and she doesn't understand how hurtful it is to us especially since we didn't do something wrong to warrant this type of punishment. Not only that – it’s like she treats us like animals instead of trying to resolve the matter in a humane and rational way like a normal person would.Our recent argument that has currently started a prolonged fight in this house is due to me not attending church for just ONE day. Which is another story all together - (I do not believe in my parent's religion nor their religious views but they always forced it upon me since I was young. So I have no choice but have to attend religious events and go to church daily or else it will cause numerous problems much as to the fight that is happening now. If I even try to tell my parents I don't believe in their religious views, I'm afraid they will disown me and kick me out. (They have done this in the past to my eldest sibling - kicked him out but not for religious reasons though) They seriously would not speak with me again or have any sort of relationship with me. Since I'm still financially dependent on them and currently attend school, it's very hard for me to support myself so I just appease them right now until I get my life together. However, I usually attend church events whenever I can. Sometimes I don't because my schooling is intense and I don't have time.Well I digress - This particular day, I did not want to attend church and I guess my mother felt this was the last and final straw for her (as she see's it rebelling from her values, beliefs, etc. and disrespect to God in her eyes). This has caused the cycle of her treating me bad by not talking to me, taking away my things, etc. She was angry with my father too because he did not "discipline" me of my "bad action." The problems between them two escalated further to the point where she kicked him out again. She locked herself in her bedroom where she didn't clean or cook for days. I've taken much of the responsibility in the house. She told me she wants nothing to do with me since I won't go to church and I have disobeyed her and God. Just recently, my father patched things up with my mother and they are getting along fine. However, when it comes to me even though I have apologized so many times for my action of not attending church she does not want to talk to me. Whatever approach I have taken with my mother, doesn't work - she doesn't speak to me. My father has tried to help us patch things together but she gets into fights with him because he is speaking to me. So now, he doesn't even try to help things between my mother and I right anymore. Also, he just speaks me on a limited basis (about important things) and that's it. It’s like he has given up on the situation. As a result of this, there is constant tension in this house and I feel like I'm going completely crazy because no one is talking to me in this house over something I feel like has been blown out of proportion. If this is how religious people deal with their problems - then I don't want to be apart of it. Their actions and behaviors are so hypocritical of what is being taught by God. I'm just so sick of living like this, is there anyway I could get my parents to talk to me so it could be civil in this house once again? I want to make things right but I don’t know what to do at this point since every approach I take doesn’t work.
View related questions:
drugs Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 I'm so angry for you.. do the best you can do to protect yourself.. and if you can't stand it, you will have to give up school and try to go it alone.. you can get education later.
So sorry, be strong, it won't be much longer now.. big hugs
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to give my heartfelt thanks to everyone who took the time to read this long question and to take the time to give a reply. I want to especially thank Miamine for giving me insight towards my mother's controlling/manipulative/power tripping behavior.
I've poured my heart into sharing my story because I'm at my wits end. I'm tired of everything and I just don't know what else to do with my situation. I've seriously thought of committing suicide to end all the pain I've endured - all the emotional, physical, mental, verbal abuse my mother has put me through. So I just want to say thanks to everyone and I will take your responses into consideration. Regardless, I know at the end of the day, I just have to do what's best for me and my well-being to get out of this situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
I'm not gonna assume your Christian, but it doesn't matter, Christian or atheist, your mother is a bully.
As you notice, there is no pleasing her. If you try to be good, she still finds someway to criticize you and punish you for no reason. The woman is a BULLY, and you and your father aid her in this behaviour, by trying to do everything to make her happy.
She's acting like a beast and your feeding it. She's taking away all your power and it only makes her stronger. She's already chased away everybody else in your family. I bet they avoid visiting and calling unless they have to. Eventually she will drive you away, and there will only be your father left. She will continue to drive him crazy, but he won't go because he married her.
Why does she behave like this? Why not, she can do anything she wants to, say anything she wants to, and there is nobody on earth who has the courage to stop her. Any little thing that makes her frown, is a big thing to you and you rush to make it better for her. But that's not enough, she's never happy. She lives her life to find problems, so she can scream and shout and watch her two frightened slaves rush about.
How do you stop her. Well, since you can live with this, then just do your best until you can get away, or until she goes overboard and throws you out. As you noticed, you can get thrown out at any time, for any reason, whether you are good or bad.
People treat us the way we allow them too. People will behave as badly as you let them. She can do anything she wants, there is never any punishment. You can't do anything and there is always punishment.
Stop enabling her bad behaviour. So she doesn't talk to you, that's bloody good. If she won't talk to you, she won't be shouting at you and telling you what to do. Stop apologizing for being alive. Your an adult, she has no right to touch your stuff, that's called robbery and you could take her to court to get them back. Get a big suitcase, with the biggest key and lock you can find, then lock up your stuff inside there, and hide the key where she can't get to it. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER, or she will keep your power and get stronger and act more evil.
She's acting like a mad demon, and your feeding her anger, hate, pride and nastiness. She's acting more and more wicked and your father is suffering. Stop coming home at 8pm, and if she kicks you out, then get yourself a sleeping bag and sleep outside where the neighbours can see you.
Make an appointment with the church priest, and tell him everything she does and everything she is capable of, ask him for any help that he's willing to give. Stop covering up for her, STOP THE SILENCE. Your mother is an abuser, and like an abuse victim, you keep silent, you hide and pretend that your mother is an angel. You hide her bad behaviour, you go to church, you get A grades, you do everything to hide the torment you are suffering under.
DON'T KEEP SILENT, let people know your suffering. Talk to the school and see if you can get a scholarship or find emergency accommodation. Talk to your brothers/sisters, aunts or uncles to see if they can help. They know what she is like, that's why they all stay away. Tell them you need help with money, time away, a friendly shoulder to cry on.
Build yourself a mental wall, a wall of brain power which she can't get through. Then when she talks to you or abuses you, you just won't be able to hear her, and it won't affect you or touch you. Protect your stuff, protect your heart, and don't cover up. If she throws you out, let the whole world know that your mother the Christian has evil inside her.
Forget about your dad, you can't save him and he can't help you. Learn to give her silence, show her your back. Swear to yourself never to apologise to her again. Then she can rant and rave and scream at your mental wall, but you'll be day dreaming about the day you leave and you won't hear her at all.
Go to the preist and tell him you cannot go to church because you don't believe in religion, because your mother is a bully and a hypocrite. Let her see the disgust and disrespect you feel. Stop looking at her as if she was god, and start seeing her as the wicked devil woman she is. If she asks what your looking at, smile and turn away. You should know your bible by now, what did Jesus say... "Get ye Satan behind me..." he didn't say make the devil smile and treat them like a queen.
You need to learn to fight back, any way you can, this woman is a bully and you rewarding her for treating you so bad. She knows no other way, all her life people have been scared of her and allowing her to do anything. Your the last, after you've gone she will drive your father to an early death. Protect your sanity, stop trying to bond with her, she's not your friend, she is your enemy.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 I can see how your home life is really stressful for you and these recurring commmunication breakdowns afftect you negatively. Unluckily, if right now you are not able to support yourself financially, all you can do is study hard to complete your education ASAP so you can get a job and move out.
In the meantime, and assuming that you are Christian, why don't you go talk to your church's pastor or minister or priest and ask his help in reinstating some harmony at home ?
Don't see it as going behind your mother's back or ratting on her. Family is the centre and core of a christian life, and assisting in family issues when required is within the competence of yr minister who will have the experience and the tact to deal with these delicate situation. He could reassure your mother that God does not feel disrespected if you don't attend church every single day because you are busy with your studies.
...............................
A
female
reader, shapoopsy +, writes (9 September 2010):
 It sounds like your mother may have a personality disorder, which is a mental illness. You cannot work upon her or the situation for that matter. All you can do is cope with her as one who is unhealthy. Keep this in mind in all your dealings with her and don't take her behaviors personally. Ultimately, this is affecting your health, so move on as quickly as possible. Also, their behavior does not reflect that of all religious folk. There are plenty of wonderful, loving, and kind religious families out there. You may want to visit a counselor and see what a professional has to say about your family's behaviors. Take care of you! ~Shapoopsy
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): Ok, I think the best thing you could do is get out of that house as fast you can, becasue your mom is one of thouse people that think they are always right(I live with some like that but definitly not to the extent of your mom). Also don`t let their hypocticle ways ruin your views of other people that follow that religon. Your parents (manily your mom) seems like a very hypocriticle person. They have ruined your view of their religon and someone that truly was a christian(I make tha assumption becasue you said church) would never disown their own kids or treat them in the way your mother does. I`d get out of that house.
...............................
|
