A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years and two and a half months ago, I moved into his one bedroom flat with him. Our relationship has been far from perfect but since I moved in with him, its gone from bad to worse.I agreed to move in with him after I told him I was looking at cars to buy, which turned into a nightmare - if I told him I didn't like a certain car I'd looked at, he'd accuse me of putting off moving in with him. After a week of looking, I finally found a car suitable for me which I bought and then I moved in with him. Since being there, we've argued non stop. The only time we don't argue is when I'm out visiting my family. Which he doesn't like me doing. If ever he is in a mood I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and trying my best not to annoy him. A year and a half ago I realised I am not in love with him, however the thought of splitting up from him frightens me because I had an abortion three years ago and my family don't know. It was my personal choice not to tell them but he has used this against me quite a few times. In the end, I think that I am not meant to be happy and just put up with it.I don't fancy him. We haven't had sex in five months because I don't feel anything between us. He's very annoyed about this but he doesn't know its because I don't fancy him or love him anymore, he thinks I'm just too tired from working all the time. I go to bed before him and started chatting to men on chat sites. It started out as harmless fun but I've got really close to one man and we talk every night and talk on the phone most days when I'm away from my boyfriend. I feel so guilty as I know he wouldn't look at another woman but I'm just not happy with him. I cant leave him in case he blackmails me if I leave. Please don't judge me. I haven't mentioned everything that has gone on in our relationship as its not really relevant, I just want some advice.Thank you
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 April 2014):
No matter how hard, it's best to leave. You think your 3 1/2 years is a long history? It's not. Compare that to the idea of 20, 30, even 40 years. This, what have now, for that length of time would simply destroy you. As hard as it is, as sad as it makes you, as worried as you may be, starting over now is a hundred times better than staying in this relationship for any longer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. Caring guy, I appreciate what you are saying but I am finding it hard to pack up and leave, not just because of the blackmail, but also starting over again scares me. He has been my life for three and a half years and the thought of being alone again after that long is scary. I don't know if I would miss him, however, when I think of leaving, I sense the freedom that I would get.Honeypie, I am far from believing and acting like a damsel in distress, and I don't expect some "dude" I chat to online to come to my rescue, I chat online as I can't confide in anyone else about my situation, that is why I am posting on here. You may say I need to put on my "big girl panties" and leave, but as I said toward the end of my post, I left out a lot of what has gone on in our relationship as it wasn't really relevant but it is far from an equal relationship and I have only recently started to realise that.Daisy daisy and anonymous post, myself or my family are not religious at all and I know they would support me if I told them but I feel if I told them they would be disappointed and hurt, especially my mother as I have cousins who have children and my mother dotes on them. I know she would love grandchildren which is why I haven't told her. She also doesn't like my boyfriend much because whenever I visit her, he is calling me asking if I can go back because he needs me to take him somewhere, when I do, he says he has changed his mind and wants to stay in with me. Sometimes when I visit my mother, I feel like blurting it out to her but I can imagine the look on her face if I did and I suddenly think it is a bad idea.I know I have to leave, I am aware of this now. I thought I was destined to be unhappy all my life with him but I want more. I don't want the world, I just want someone to share my life with, someone who respects me and who is kind. Someone who I can depend on if I ever need to instead of them depending on me for everything. But how do I leave? We have history. Even though I see him as a bit of a bully, I think I would miss him in a way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): It sounds very much as if he is using the abortion tactic to scare you into staying with him when deep down he knows the relationship hasn't been working out for a long time. I doubt very much he would do it though, basically if he did it would only ruin whatever you have left between you forever. And as someone pointed out earlier, it would make him look like a very nasty person.Just leave. Get some friends to help you though. He sounds so nasty and manipulative that I'm worried he might get physically abusive. It's often the case with abusers, let's face it, this guy is one to pull a trick like that on you about your abortion, which is such a personal and traumatic thing to do, whether you feel you did the right thing or no! And it might be best to have all your stuff together and get it out in one go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): A serious question here? Are you from a particularly fundamentalist branch of a faith that excommunicates its members if an issue such as abortion comes to light? Or one that practices honour killings?
If not, who is he going to impart the information of your abortion to? Who is it that must be protected at all costs from this information? Will it damage them so much you have to live your life trapped with a guy you don't love?
Most families and close friends support their loved ones at times of crisis- even when their actions might have gone against the general beliefs of the family. You post from the UK, where abortion is legal and, although still controversial, the reasons behind women having abortions are well understood.
Sure , abortions are horrible and personal (I speak from experience) and not something that you want shared with the rest of the world but, if he really did start blurting your secrets out to the rest of the world, it would be HIM that looks like the cold-hearted bastard. Not you. And I'm sure he knows this - it's all just hot air to control you further.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 You DO need to leave. You little escapism with other men online is NOT OK. You use that to "boost" yourself instead of LEAVING this man who tries to BLACKMAIL you into staying.
Chatting up other men won't FIX your situation and you need to stop acting like a damsel in distress hoping some dude online will come to your rescue.
PUT on your BIG GIRL panties and DO what NEEDS to be done, pack your stuff and move out.
If he tells your family about the abortion, can he even prove it? If not you have the choice to OWN that action (that you had an abortion) OR DENY it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (6 April 2014):
 I agree with Caring Guy, you need to leave.
Is the secret abortion the only reason you can't leave? Is it impossible for you to tell your family about the abortion so you're not over a barrel any more? I would hope that you could approach your parents and tell them how unhappy you are, and tell them about the abortion. I would hope that they show you compassion and help you move on from your unhappy situation. Is your family very religious? Still, I think/ damn well hope they'd put your safety and well being over religious ideologies (if that's the case).
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 April 2014):
You absolutely must leave this man and start over. You must. It's not even a choice anymore really. It's a must. You don't have to accept this treatment, and this man is being emotionally abusive. Also, I think you're slipping into depression for various reasons, and its now driving you to find company elsewhere.
Please, no matter what else you might think will happen, get away from this man and start over. You have so much life to live, and you don't need to be in relationship like this.
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