A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This problem is so hard for me right now, but it doesn't just effect myself. I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years, engadged for 1.25 years and love her so very much. It is a long distance relationship that goes from UK to the US so we dont get to see each other much. This in itself is hard enough for most, but we made it work... until recently we have been a little shakey.After the summer last year, when I had returned home, things didn't feel right. She began to become distant, busy, doing other things. I trusted her, yet there was a minor spark in the back of my head. I approached her about my concerns that had been going on about another guy, and she told me I was being stupid and paranoid. I became depressed, and tried to not allow this to enter my mind again, as it seemed to be harming our relationship. The tension increased and I was due to go back for christmas, but after I paid for the flight, was told I should not come for a certain reason. I agreed, didn't want to though, but for her I did, later finding out these reasons were'nt entirely true.We continued our relationship online, what in my mind was getting stronger again, and she came over this easter. It was an emotional time indeed, full of happiness to be with her once again, be with the one I love and will marry. A few days into our time together, I saw her checking an email, and started to read it, and when I asked is that from her mom, she closed it down. I needed to check my email too, but when I did, her's opened up. I saw the email she had read... It was an email that supported what I had been worrying about all this time. I confronted her, and we talked about it, and she admitted what had been happening... I felt some release, and she sent an email back to this guy saying it was over. I said to her I trust her, but I am having some worries, and she said don't, I want to be with you.I still felt a bad vibe and asked her about the reply that she recieved, and she kept dismissing it, ending in tears... it was a stressful time for us both. We kept talking about our wedding plans, and wanting to have a baby, but I said we can't yet, not till we are married. I wanted to try, but I was worried about what had just been brought to light. She flew home and that was upsetting enough, but something didnt feel right. I checked some messages, and found out she contacted the guy, making up a story about what had happened. I was heart broken.... but I still love her so much. I talked to her on the phone about it and she said sorry, and that she will tell him its over and be with me. She had been unwell and went to the doctors... and came back with bad news.The news she recieved is that she had contracted 2 stomach ulcers, and through some complications, apparently her ovaries have been damaged, and as a result, there is only a 5% chance of us having our children, with a risk that if she did concieve, that a baby could die before birth. This news is terrible... it broke her and myself.I've tried to console her the best I can, trying to tell her that I want to be with her no matter what, that I love her, that this doesn't change the way I feel about her, and she said that I couldn't know how it feels to be told this news. Which I don't... I told her I could never know, but that I share her pain that there is a chance that I can't father her child. She has said she needs to think, and I asked about what, and she said about everything; her, what's to happen to us because of this... all kinds of things. I don't know what to do, how to help her or anything. I've told her to try looking at the silver lining, that a slim chance, is still a chance, as I've read many people being told that they couldn't have a child, and yet managed to. But this doesn't seem to help.I've seen that a few people have had a similar reaction of their partner wanting to think and end the relationship because of something like this, and then replies being along the lines of "they are giving you the chance to go, not really wanting you to go, but not wanting to ruin your life by being unable to have children.". But the thing is I don't know if that's how she is feeling... if this is what she needs to think about.She said that the doc said the ulcer's were caused by stress, and thus put the blame on me for pushing the issue of what I found out. That hurt my heart to hear that she conciders the loss of children to be my fault, even in part, because I just wanted some answers about this life she has been hiding from me. I started to respond by saying "well you were the one hiding things" but then stopped it before it became an arguement. I love her so much and want to stand by her side... some may think im a fool for sticking with her after finding out something had been going on, but I love her that much and forgave her. I've asked her "does she want me to not be with her?" and she said she doesnt know.If anyone could give any advice, for our relationship, for me, for her or for how to cope with getting news like "not being able to have children" I would be most greatful as I feel so empty by not having answers for her.
View related questions:
christmas, conceive, depressed, long distance, spark, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): her not being able to have kids is karma hitting her for cheating. Think about it... let her go dude and find someone who will love you unconditionaly.. shes out there waiting.
goodluck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): I gotta tell you, I don't 100% buy her story about the doctor and ulcers and the ovaries. I'm no doctor, but there's no real correlation I know of between ulcers and her ovary problem (if it exists), since the stomach and the reproductive organs are really in 2 different areas. So, her putting any kind of blame on you is, to say the least, absurd.But, putting that aside, I just think its awfully coincidental that she's suddenly coming up with a medical condition meant to scare you away from her while she's got a guy at home she's cheating on you with. Sounds to me, like she's just making this up in order to give you an out instead of maybe doing the grown-up thing and telling you she just doesn't want to be with you anymore.That's just how I see it. If I were you, I would try
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings seem to have turned for the worse - i recieved a message from her fella, saying that she told him i abused and bruised her, that he has seen the bruises and i am scum for doing so. When i called her, to ask about this since my family saw her, she had a string top on the day she flew out, and there were no signs of injury, she said there was a time you grabbed my arm and i didnt tell you about the marks and then said it was over. I asked her to clarify when and she didnt, just said she couldnt do this anymore.
I've had to be consoled by my family, and i told them everything now (my mother didnt know about her cheating) and they have tried to help me, asking why would she make future plans if she intended on doing this, Asking questions that i didnt know the answers to. They said to wait and see, if she relises she has made a mistake, she will talk, but not to get hung up on it or hurt because of it.
Im just really unsure if its due to the child thing (whether that is entirely true or not now) or if it was just a way to break up with me, hoping that i would leave. She said how she didnt like the way that some of the responders made her to look like the bad guy, and i said "well, it looks that way being that you cheated and hid it, but because they've said that doesnt mean i think that about you."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for thinking so.. like i said, many are thinking i am stupid for feeling the way i do after knowing - I felt a great weight taken off when i finally knew the truth... I didnt rub it in her face by saying i told you i was right, but i let her know what i was feeling. I said there needs to be discussions more about everything that i had gone through in this time. I told her how she was so wrong in doing this, but even more so about when i suspected something that i was treated negitively for it... there were times where she said that if i kept thinking those things that it would break us apart and i became so anal about everything.Even the discussion we had went by me writing things down for her to read, in order for me to maintain my focus on the positive - that she was there, that i do love her, that she was telling me. The reason she gave me for christmas was that she was scared that going there, i would find out, and that the other guy would do something, and that her mom had said "how terrible would it be if you had to call his parents to tell them something had happened?". This was so hard for me too, since the original story was that her mom didnt want me to go, due to pain i had been causing her... this made me hate her mom so much for standing in our way. When she came for easter, i thought it was all okay, but i found out she told her mom it was a work trip, not to see me. This made me so upset. I also spoke to the guy via emails, calling him out and after many hours of speaking to him, he said that he was sorry, he didnt know we were still together (obviously begging the question what had she said about me to give that impression) and he said "i dont give second chances, i'm backing away... i hate cheaters". When i saw him say that, i thought "is this what a guy is meant to be like, am i stupid for still wanting to be with her?" I know that i am setting myself up for a world of pain if it goes wrong, but im trying to still go for my happiness with her that we had talked about so many years ago. I've made jokes after finding out about the trust issue, saying "oh yeah, i have the greatest fiancee.. hope you dont meet her" and she'd growl angrily. I have a cruel sense of humour, but i wanted her to see that i want to make light of what has happened, that all that matters to me is not what's done, but what can still happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (24 April 2009):
 You sound a lovely man, and I'm very sorry for all the trouble that you're going through.
But it strikes me that she's being very unfair on you and just keeps taking from you. -and I can't imagine that you would ever treat her as badly as she's treating you.
It’s so devout that you'll let her carry on without even really telling you to what level she has cheated on you to. And yet she is still content to let you hang on a string (at the same great distance that caused her such trouble) whilst she decides whether she wants you or not.
I just can't imagine that you would ever cheat on her- and not even give her the respect to tell her how serious/ involved it was? -AND leave her waiting on whether you even wanted to stay with her.
I just think you deserve so much better.
I could only think that she's being so destructive of the relationship to harm herself as well as you as a result of her recent trauma. But then she cheated on you before she even found out that bad news, so I don’t see what could excuse her behaviour. And in terms of suffering from the distance- wasn't it even her that told you not to come at Christmas, even after you'd paid for the ticket.
I just can't imagine that you'd ever dream of doing these things towards her- because you love her; and you deserve someone who would not do them to you either, because they love you in return.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI Understand that... believe me i do. And i've asked her, almost told her, just say the words, and i will do what ever you want me to do. I told her that when she slipped, that if she had only said "its not working" then i would have let her be happy with the person she wanted and then perhaps i wouldnt have brought this upon us.
She gave me the reason for the infidelity - she said it was that she felt lonely, like the distance factor had caught up to her, with pressure from so many things and not being able to have me there. I dont know fully what happened, and to what extent. I keep saying "do you want me to go?" so much that im afraid that she thinks that its what i want to do. I know that she loves me, i dont doubt that, and i've told her that, but i've told her that loving me and wanting me arent necessarily the same things.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 April 2009):
 I think the problem here is you really want to make this work and it seems that she doesnt want it to work. If she said she doesnt know if she wants you anymore - this means that she is thinking this isnt working - I want out. So no matter how hard you try to make this work, if she doesnt want to put the same effort in then it wont work.
I understand your thinking that why would she want to be with another man when she cant have any more chance of having kids with them over you, but she wont be thinking like this. All that matters to her right now is that your relationship isnt working and she has lost the chance to have children - losing her ferility will only make your relationship seem worse to her. She cheated on you - she will know the reason why she did this. Often if someone cheats it is a sign they are not happy in their current relationship so the person that cheated ends it even if their parner forigves them. Cheating is a sign something is massively wrong in that relationship - she will be aware of this.
Dont push her too hard to try and work on things because she has to want it too - if she doesnt want you, you cant force her. Give her space, thats the best thing you can fo right now.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your honesty. Obviously i should add that since i have only recently found out this bad news about another guy like i had been concerned about, this is still deep in my head. And i understand that with her news, she is thinking more about not being able to have a child, which i also think about too. Seeing that it is so soon since this revelation, i feel terrible to bring up the infidelity part.
Of course i am worried that trying to approach the trust issue, that i am going to push her away, for being seeming unsupportive to her. At the same time, i've had family ask "is she using this as an excuse" to which i dont know.
I want to try to make this work, and you are right, i need to forgive her for what went on. Which i do. So the issue of not having kids with her is not big in my mind - i accept that if thats not meant to be, thats the way it is... but I dont find that from her. I dont understand the need to think about US would be needed, as (i mean this without any offence or meaning to come off as harsh) if she cant have kids with me, she wont improove her chances with someone else. The only thing i can think is that she resents me for letting this happen or something and doesnt want to be with me because of it, or because she wants whats convienient - the guy i stumbled upon.
There are so many things on her mind right now - work is hard for her, she's trying to find a new place to live, having to help with her current residence for sale, and now having her secret exposed plus the child news. And i dont know how to approach her without seeming selfish in this.
Yes, there are people here like you've said, and i think things through carefully; its one thing i think she doesnt like me to do. But even in my head, i want to try to make this work
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 April 2009):
Not being able to have children for a woman is basically like having your main function in life taken away from you - we are put on this earth to reproduce so if you cant do that as a woman then basically you are a failure. Now she has a 5% chance - that is more of a chance than some people have. She is just dealing with the loss right now, and not seeing past the "you cant have children" part. She is not seeing the small chance she has and she wont be able to for quite some time. You cannot make her see this, no-one else can.
She is grieving for the loss of a child she never had, and this will take quite some time to get over. Imagine the one thing you want most in the world, looking forwards to it for years, only for it to be taken away. Every time she will see a baby it will make her feel like she has failed as a woman - it is like a man who is impotent or a man who has had testicular cancer and lost a testicle, they feel like less of a man. Your girlfriend will be feeling like less of a woman right now and no-one can console her on this.
I guess it is just a waiting game right now - she will need lots of time and space to get over this. And it may push you apart - many couples who lose a baby end up growing apart because of it even though they should be grieving together over the loss of their child. It is just a tough time for both involved and weirdly they cant help each other through it - I think it may be the same in your case.
No matter how much you love her you cant bring back her fertility, and no matter how much she loves you she feels now that you will never be happy with her because she cant give you what you want.
This relationship sounds very troubled and it shouldnt be this hard before you are married - I think you may need to come to terms with this and realise it just isnt working anymore. She obviously cheated because she wasnt fulfilled in her relationship with you, and now this terrible thing has happened I think she may only end up feeling even more lonely and lost than before. Women normally cheat because they are not getting something from their partner, and now she has lost the chance for children she will feel the need to try and find even more elsewhere.
This will be so hard for you to accept but I think you need to prepare yourself that she may not ever come back to you now - this may have been the final straw, just too much for your delicate relationship to survive. If she doesnt know if she wants you anymore then that is a clear sign she is thinking of ending things. I suggest you give her some time and space just to grieve properly and get her head together. Dont contact her for a while and leave her alone to figure things out. If she comes back to you then great, but if she wants to end things after this time then you need to be ready for that too.
I'm sorry this has happened to you both and I cant possibly imagine what you are going through. I hope this has helped and good luck with everything.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (24 April 2009):
This is a tough one. She has clearly been cheating on you. She then BLAMES you for not reacting with sweetness and light when you found out.
I know this news that she cannot have kids is tough, but I think you have to treat this as two separate issues.
You have to deal with the cheating first and decide if you can forgive her not knowing why she did it or if she will do it again.
If you do decide to forgive her THEN you can deal with the fact that you may not be able to have kids if you marry.
The fact she doesn't even know if she wants to leave you is a very bad sign.
I think you need to seriously think if your love for her is blinding you to the facts. Think hard about whether you think this could work.
There are a LOT of problems here and saying "But I LOVE her" doesn't fix any of them. Use your brain and not your heart.
You may not feel like it now but you could find another woman in the same country who is not going to cheat on you, who will love you, who you cold love just as much and have a pain free existence.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
