A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Good day!Well what I am asking is down to this situation here me and my boyfriend of 8 month have decided to take a break after a long argument that blew the holiday to pieces.About a month ago we had wonderful holidays together. whiles watching a movie I stupidly asked, if there was anything about me that he though needs improvement and If there was i commented myself to work on it, he said that there was nothing about me that needed improving. so I sad, well is there anything I have ever done or said that has upset you in any way? Feel free to tell me, and again he responded there is nothing you can say that could upset me. Finally and to my astonishment he mumbled out: I would like you to get it shape and lose weight!?!what???????? as you can imagine, I didn’t know what to respond.first of all when I asked what needs improving I never though in a million years that he would say he does not like the way I look, I looked like this when he met me!! So yeah I was offended!After that I was upset and insecure about the whole thing. I am not slim per say but I never thought he though I need to lose weight!!!!he went home really upset and called me back after thing had calm down, and he said he didn’t mean what he said, he was just following on a comment I made once, he remembers I said, the reason I joined the gym was because I wanted to drop a few pounds, which is true! I did, but still I never though he felt that way! Why is he with me then? Is he waiting for me to loose weight and look better? He raised a bag of insecurities… that were not there before.the conversation went on for a while and after that I just suggested we take a few days so that we can both have time to think and cool down! And then we could just take it from there he agreed.Now 2 weeks later he is telling me that maybe he should be single because he is very confused about things etc… My friends say he is just bluffing and that guys do that to test if you still like him, and to flip the pancake, so now us getting back together is his decision and no longer mine.but I am really really confused!!!I don’t feel like playing games to be honest, and after he has said he feels like maybe he should be single, I am thinking he does not know what he wants. I know full well that I want to be with him, I told him I needed a break to get it in my head, the fact that he likes me the way I am.I want to be with him I, but if he doesn’t maybe its best leaving the relationship here as I don’t want to be with someone that does not know what they want!, I dated a guy who kept changing his mind about been with me, and he had me hanging on a string I am not going through that again.I have forgiven my currant boyfriend for the comment he made, so I don’t understand what is it he feels he does not want to be in the relationship anymore.the thing is he still texting me and calling me and he is always asking me if I still like him.. my boyfriend is confusing me.my question is should I end it? Do you think he could he be playing games?I don’t know what to do, is he worth pursuing?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 September 2012):
 I feel he's a a piece of sh*t and a bloody idiot..I was wrongYou deserve betterThe way you look and feel is your businessThis guy has problems in bed, and isn't very honestSigh... cry.... then realize, you're the one who is lucky. This guy wasn't giving you the things your heart demands.Be healthy for you and nobody else... with the right guy, things like this don't matter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): OP HERE!!!
Let my just give you a final thank you, especially for having the patient to be a good agony aunt and giving me good fatherly mother or aunty like advice.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend called me today he wanted to have a chat, I have literally just got home from meeting him, and he confessed everything, he said he likes me very much and he fancies me that I am a special woman with an amazing personality, I guess he was just trying to soften the blow of telling me what he really wanted to say.
yes! he thinks I am very beautiful in every way, but he does not fancy my physically anymore, he said it was a long time coming… that is weird because I didn’t know.
Any who, that is the way he feels, and I feel devastated but he said I gave him some hope when I made my decision to become healthier, he said : I thought you wanted to go back to looking like you did before, when I asked him what he meant he said looking like on the pictures I have on my Facebook with my friends, he means my high school photos, I was a size 8 then, I don’t think I would be comfortable been that size. Uuhg anyway this is what I was dreading. My boyfriend has always had problems performing in bed, which he assure me had nothing to do with his attraction towards me, that’s hilarious because now that is always I can think about!!! I feel like a piece of sh*t and like a bloody idiot for even taking the time to worry about him or my feelings hurting hi, in the first place. We talk for hours whiles I was trying to hold back my tears.
But he just said he wants to be single and hi is happy that way, he hopes I will find someone who will accept me the way I am, another low blow! Because he was supposed to bet that person.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 September 2012):
Your big, and he's still with you and he wanted you when he met you... as I said, that's your issue to deal with.. he doesn't really have a problem with your weight, he thinks your beautiful enough to date.
I'm aware the topic is sensitive for you... but you need either to be happy with yourself the way you are, or change to what you want to be. In my culture larger ladies are beautiful and have no problem getting guys.
I'm sure your boyfriend didn't mean to hurt you, but questions like this always cause problem for men... now go call him up, this conversation isn't worth a relationship break up.
I'll ignore all your other comments... fix things with your boyfriend and everyone here will be happy. The guy wants you, he's just upset and nervous about the way you respond to things.. give him a break, he's human too.
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A
female
reader, peteloevely +, writes (1 September 2012):
 still OP HERE
Fatherly Advice
you know what? you could be right! and if it has I need to make my peace with that, learn and move on.
Ciar
That is what I am afraid off, that he will think this is me all thought out life, getting upset for no reason, he knows he can count on he, he always has, but I am worried this might have screw things up big time!
hopefully he remembers who I really am, and we are able to get this going, if not, then I wish him the best of luck he deserves it!
for now I am gone take shellycg & So_Very_Confused’s advice, and give him a little bit of space, he might just need time to think.
I apologise if I offended anyone, but some of you got to understand that people who wind up here are already sad frustrated and desperate, there is no need for you guys to duel on the wrong od their doings, especially if there is no constructive advice to follow!
you can say whatever you want to say, is just there are ways and ways of saying things. And sarcasm and mockery isn’t always the best of ways.
Thanks you very much.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 I like some of the responses you've been given, particularly SVC's and the bit about 'if he wants you, you assume he'll act quickly' (close enough I don't feel like scrolling back). I can understand the shock of hearing something you weren't expecting, but you did say 'anything'. Whenever you ask these kinds of questions, you must be very specific about the type of information you're looking for. I don't mean false praise as opposed to honesty, but what areas of you or your life you're opening for comment. Your boyfriend took 'anything' to mean just that, as anyone would. So lesson learned. It doesn't sound as though you boyfriend is playing games. Maybe he is but nothing jumps out as a strong indicator that he is. I think he is uncertain about how to proceed. He now knows he has to be careful about what he says to you. He now knows not to trust loaded questions. Knowing that will interfere with his ability to relax with you. He was obviously with you because he wanted to be. You're obviously attractive enough physically and intellectually for him to have chosen you. Frankly there are all sorts of imperfections we live with in a partner. I want my husband to have a professional pedicure and cut his hair. Does the fact that he hasn't make him repulsive or make me question being with him? No. There are things about me that he would like to change. For that matter there are things about me that many people might like to change (and I them), but those people are still with me. We're still friends and everything is ok.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): Hmmm...bit of a pattern going on here OP. You keep asking questions then getting upset at the answers..If you don't want to hear the truth don't ask the question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): O.P HERE!!!!
Miamin
uuhhgg I am not even sure u have read anything I wrote down!
I acknowledge getting upset, and I already apologise to him for that, I my comment was to people who passed by criticized me and didn’t live any constructive advice! I am here for advice not to be talk down to thanks.
First of all my question was very specific.
Honestly I only asked the stupid question because he cares about what I think so I thought I need to care about what I think too! I don’t know why did he have to turn to my weight! But it does upset me and it still upsets me, because I am big damh it! and I want to still be big, but I don’t want to think that the man I love has a freaking problem with it!...
You really blowing this out off proportion, I respect the opinions given here, but I really don’t understand how some of this could be cast as advice.
I reacted the way I reacted I could not help it, one thing I am not gone do is apologise for feeling the way I feel or the way I felt at that point in time, so I was emotion? I didn’t know emotions where for little girls! Good to know. By calling me a little girl I can honestly tell you don’t know me and definitely have no idea what my life has been like.
I am sorry you are super strong and never get carried away, but I do alright? ! I acknowledge my reacting and I apologise to him! I don’t need people to re calk that!!! that I know myself, I am here to see if anyone has an inside on how can I move forwards.
How am I playing games? when all I do is chase him? And ask for forgiveness? And I am playing games? Am I?. Of course he can tell me whatever, this experience has made me grow stronger, if we overcome this I know he will be able to count on me, and I don’t want him to feel like he cannot tell me anything no!!! I don’t want him to feel that , so I freaking trying to fix this, isn’t it obvious?
You are entitled to think whatever you want, but my answer was not what does miamin think of my behaviour? Or please come and criticize me. But thanks anyway.
mmhh! Ok… I need other peoples help from time to time, If everyone was like you and didn’t need to turn to friends or advice columns for help, do you think there would be a point to this website? I am obviously not that skilled when it comes to relationships! So thanks for been tactful not everyone was born knowing everything they need to go about life.
and before you go yeah we gave you advice and you did like it! Nop I did respect the people who gave me good advice even doe they didn’t necessarily tell me what I wanted to hear! (like you said). so you are missing the point, I don’t want to be told I didn’t do anything wrong, my point was why drop by and criticize me without posting any advice?. Like some people have done!
but listen, you can take whatever I say and twist it so there is really no point on arguing, because once again I fail to see how is that relevant to my situation!
once again thanks to Fatherly Advice, Aunty BimBim, So_Very_Confused
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 I'm pretty sure it has all been said by now. I must admit that followups always add something. I still want to stick to my advice about communication and trust. I want to add that your body told him a much different story than your words did. That is the message that he is worried about.
There is a little room here to talk about deal breakers. There are some things that if a partner does them can change the whole face of a relationship. For me physical violence was one. Cheating is commonly one. Dishonesty is common as well.
It appears to me that you have run up against one. Perhaps your boyfriend has as well.
When you reach my age you will begin to see how short a time 3 weeks really is.
FA
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 August 2012):
"I don’t feel like playing games to be honest"Unfortunately, you do like games, you get upset by honest people, and you aren't being honest with yourself. Your happiest when people tell you that everything is perfect and you are wonderful."Don’t you ever feel like you cannot tell me anything?"Um..... he can't tell you anything, and neither can we, you get upset easily by people who tell you things you don't like to hear..You like what your friend says... "He's milking it"... (Bad Advice)... You don't like what your boyfriend and us have to say, and so you don't listen, you just pretend that the whole world likes to attack you.This isn't about your boyfriend forgiving you. You haven't done anything wrong, your just not very aware of your own feelings and you emotional world is very immature. There is nothing to forgive.However it's difficult to talk to a person who will break down and cry, run to her friends, or a website, just because someone told her the truth. And make excuses instead of listening to the valuable advice she has been given.He's looking for an adult woman, not a child who expects lies and fairy tales. Drop the weight issue, don't ask his opinion on what you should be, that's your own business. A boyfriends advice is useful when your asking for relationship advice, but when you want to know about fixing yourself, as the other aunts have said, go pick up a magazine. If you don't want to know how fat your ass is, then don't ask that question.The way your reacting to us, is the way you react to him, and that's why he's nervous and staying away. You must take responsibility for your own emotions actions and the way you want to be.Phone him up, ask him over for a movie... laugh a lot and stay away from subjects about self improvement. Guys like laughs, they don't like "fix me but try to lie to me at the same time." That's a very confusing game you've decided to play.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 August 2012):
 should I give him an ultimatum? you ask.
well are you willing to accept the consequences of it?
if you say "shit or get off the pot" and he leaves are you ok with that?
if you are, what I would say is this:
"I love you (if you do) and want to be with you... it's been three weeks and I don't like the limbo we are in, I WANT us together but YOU have to want it to. IF you do you know where to find me... I assume you will do it quickly before I get on with my life with out you"
and then DO IT...
go NO CONTACT (you don't contact him you have to wait for him)
he may not contact you for a day or a week or longer.
if it goes longer than a week I'd start getting on with life but once you don't want him back (which could take a long time) then I'd block his numbers so he can't reel you back in later when he realizes he's lost you.
you strongly over reacted to his comments and I can understand both your reactions and his....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): O.P HERE !!!!!!!
Whether he cares enough or not, my weight is NOT borderline obese! He needs no worry, I am very tall and I am in proportion!
it’s also Not like I am in denial about my been big. No! I know I am and I am the one who tackle the subject way beforehand.
the tables where turn, he asked the exact same question! I told him a couple of things we both laughed about and he acknowledge!
honestly I will never asked him to tell me how he feels or what he thinks ever again, if it is gone lead to him talking about my weight then you are right he should keep his thoughts to himself ! are you kidding me? There was nothing else he could have said? Nothing else? Plus the question was specific; he asked it first he knew what I meant exactly!!!
the different here is I got tact and I wouldn’t dear to say something like that about him!
you know what the next time he asks me any other stupid question like that, I am not gone bother asking the freaking question in return, you all making it sound like you can be bother to acknowledge my question because I am some sort of annoying person asking inappropriate questions. And you are probably right, what was I doing trying to find out if I have ever said or done anything to hurt him, stupid me!
Well I guess this is what happens when you ask people that don’t know the full details of a situation!
I am just gone say an special thank you to Fatherly Advice & Aunty BimBim ! I want to thank you both for the sound mature advice and for no jumping to conclusions, so for that thank you very much! I specially appreciated the fatherly advice!
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A
female
reader, ktmae +, writes (31 August 2012):
 i agree . . . You asked he told. Maybe he just wants you healthy because he does care. Im not small either and i dont even ask that loaded question. Besides i think because you wanted to know he cared enough to tell maybe you should lose some weight . Im just sayin if it was a legit question of somthing you wanted to know to make your relationship better. . . Unless it was a trap for him...JUST SAYIn !!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): OP HEREthanks for the advice, thanks a lot i appreciate it.well this is what i left out,1- about 15 minutes later he said i am still thinking but i don’t know what to say about you changing, we both laugh at that and i added, hey! i am a human being i am pretty sure i must have said something at some point that might have upset you! but if you can’t think of anything that’s fine.we kept watching the movie and out of the blue he responded i would like it if you lose weight and get in shape!i was not pressurising him, you guys make it sound like i was sat there with a gun to this head... the only reason i asked the question is because he asked me that question first and i thought it would be in valance for me to also ask what is it about me that would need improving.i get that I am not perfect, my question was about things I say and or do, not the way I look, seriously when i said improving i never though he would tell me i need physical improvement.of course it makes me upset, of course insecurities have always been there, what i am trying to say is, i never felt like he might not physically like me, and now i do!the reason i suggested a break was because this is what followed after the comment he made: i said honestly, i never in a million years though you would say that, so he asked me are you upset? and he laughed, i could not laugh, so i just looked at the floor and said; i am not sure if i am upset, just very shocked. After that whiles in bed he said i didn’t mean that in a bad way, i just thought you been working at the gym and eating better to be a healthier person so I thought that is what we both wanted. I tried to make him understand my point , so I said i am quiet unhappy with all the weight i piled on because of my underworking thyroid! so yes i want to lose weight, but i never though it bothered you too?.no i have never complain about it in front of him, I made one life changing commented comment, I am changing my diet because I am no longer happy, that is the only time I ever talked about my weight with my boyfriend, apart from that I always mention my large self and refer to myself as fat or big but simply because that is exactly what I am.nor do i put myself down behind or in front of him, why would i? I want to be loved as a large ladie!! Understand my point please. like i said i am not slim, probably never will be, but i assumed that the men who dated me understood i am a large girl and liked that, yes i want to lose a few pounds because i am currently unhealthy, but that’s it really, i am not looking forwards to changing my body type, i will still be large even after i lose weight, like i have always been.When I say I want to become healthier, I mean I want to go back down to a size 14 as I am currently a size 18. That is a big change for me, but I will still have big curves, I date men who like that and I am happy that way!that same night we went to bed and he a apologised, i understood i was probably over reacting, and though an apology would be enough! but it was not, as we snuggled in bed he tried to make a move on me, but when he tried to remove my clothes i felt i didn’t want him to see me naked, i suddenly felt he didn’t appreciate my lumps and bumps like before...blame me if you want, but there is a great different between what men who like slim women and men who like larger women are looking for when it comes to appearance!any who, i felt like he liked me but was not attracted to me anymore, he did notes, i was uncomfortable and he is the one who said, i think it’s best if i go home tonight and he left.next day over the phone, i told him exactly how he felt, but he had nothing to add after i pored my heart out.3 days later he called me back we talk and again, i told him exactly this: me over reacting over the whole weight issue is probably gone make you feel like you cannot tell me anything because in your mind you probably think I am too sensitive to handle the truth and i will over react and get upset about it, i don’t want you to feel that way, and i want you to know that communication between us is still open, i overreacted and i feel silly for it, i hope you will forgive me. Don’t you ever feel like you cannot tell me anything?he did not reply, to my comment, he didn’t say a thing. since i asked for forgiveness, he has changed his attitude towards me, he is suddenly having doubts... he wants some time to think... he is not sure he belongs in a relationship... and in the middle time i am sat here waiting, it has been 3 weeks i suppose enough time has passed for him to make his mind up, and not keep me hanging. of course he calls me to ask me if i still like him, to which i reply yes because i am not willing to let my pride take the best of me.that is exactly why my friend thinks he is milking it, because at first when i was upset and insecure, he was calling me and trying to get a hold of me, and his tone was completely different...so i rephrase my question, it has been 3 weeks and my boyfriend has still not made his mind up about wanting to get back together, should i give him an ultimatum? Should be my point!!!
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A
female
reader, shellycg +, writes (31 August 2012):
 Hi There.
You asked a question to him, you pushed for an answer, you got an answer that you didnt particularly like, then you had a argument but you did ask him !!!! see the cycle??
Ask yourself this how would you feel if the tables were turned and he asked you the same questions and you blurted something from the past or something he didnt like ... his reaction would be the same as yours and you would leave thinking well he did ask me... relationships are based on truth honesty and integrity .. and sometimes we can be too honest or lack tact..
you obviously still like him, he obviously still likes you as he is still texting and keeping intouch . . men need their space to "fix things" so give him a bit of space and maybe text for a while and then see how things go...men dont like lots of questions to them it means they have to "fix" something, or you are blaming them and he feels you have blamed him for the answer he gave when infact you asked the question.
Dont beat yourself up im sure it will come good, if you want to know anything in the future just tactfully ask or refraise the question
Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 You asked, he said no. You pushed for an answer and got one. It sounds to me he didn't even mean it, but because you were wanting an answer he searched the memory banks and found something he thought would do, ie you mentioned you joined a gym once to lose a few pounds.
You don't mention what happened after that, only that HE went home upset after you suggested a break.
You say you have forgiven him but your friends say he is just playing games. From where I sit I would say he is sitting somewhere scratching his head and asking what the hell happened. On top of that you are projecting the behaviour of a previous boyfriend onto him.
You say this happened about a month ago, it only takes six weeks to change a habit, he is already wondering if he would be better off single, you need to get your skates on if you want to be his girlfriend, I suggest a long, honest talk between the two of you would be a good start.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 August 2012):
Oh the agony!
I don't know if he is playing pancake games. I do know that you played a game. And you got bit.
I thought this was about weight but I see it is about games. So, let's talk about games. Every magazine on the rack is full of advice. Then there are your friends, and relatives. Even here on Cupid. A lot of the advice may not apply to your situation. Many will advise you that your partner needs to be tested. They will tell you to strengthen your relationship by trying to find out what he doesn't like. Well you see how that worked out. It usually works out that badly in my experience. They tell guys to treat girls mean, to keep them keen. Pretty soon they feel like you do and don't go for it.
Let me give you the Fatherly Advice solution to relationships. Communicate honestly and clearly, as often as you need to. Relationships are made up of communication and trust.
If you are testing or playing some other game then you are dishonest in your communication and you lose trust, and the relationship will follow.
So if it has only been one day and he hasn't called you, but you feel the need to say I love you to him, call him up and bare your heart. Don't wait 2 more days because Cosmo said to.
O K diatribe over. Now for my guys view interpretation of what might have happened to you two.
You asked the silly question. Then you asked again. he felt under pressure. He felt you didn't believe him. So he muttered the only thing he could think of. Massive explosion, carnage, game over. Now he knew you worried about your weight and he was up to this point very good about keeping it quiet. Now you think that every time he sees you he is thinking about your shape. So he told you he thinks he might want to be single. What he is really thinking is "do I want to go through that again." Fact is he probably would be willing to go through that again for you. He just wants you to acknowledge his suffering.
Most girls worry about their weight. Most guys hate to hear about it.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): First you push him to tell you what you could improve about yourself and when he does, the poor man gets an earful! Sorry, if you weren't prepared to hear the truth, you shouldn't have asked.
You've blown this thing sky-high. I'm really not surprised that your boyfriend is having second thoughts about being in a relationship with you.
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