A
male
age
30-35,
*pectral
writes:I'm currently trying to win back my ex girlfriend.She has a social anxiety disorder, and recently shut down and blew up on me (seriously yelled in person, screamed, cried, etc.) because of a few things I did. All of which was about a month ago.I slow danced with another woman, at the time, I didn't care, I was in a depression then and nothing really mattered to me at that point, my summer job I loved was coming to an end, I was starting college, she was starting college, so all of it just threw me into a depression because I don't deal well with change myself, and I do have an issue with new guys trying to get close with my girl, or plain disregarding she is taken. Yes, it's a wrong view, I know, it's all I have known in a relationship though, and I am currently trying to change it. I in no way enjoyed or wanted to slow dance, the chick was drunk, and I was just in a general "fuck it" mood for a few weeks, I felt even worse afterwards, but I've been honest with her since I started talking to her (1.5 years ago), told her right away, which is what started what is currently going on. Furthermore, I was in college, still in the same mood and mind set, and a chick was flirting with me, I didn't make any move, nor did I stop it from happening, worst thing was that I didn't even mention I had a girlfriend, I did want to, but I have a hard time bringing up that stuff, I don't know why, I just have a hard time doing it.So after those, and not listening to her (she told me to tell the other girl I was taken by her) I eventually did, but after about a few weeks. So she is currently mildly talking to me, not much emotion, blunt answers, short answers and such, doesn't talk often, but still talks to me and has said she wants to get back together, but says she's afraid of letting me in (mind you, every other guy in her life has hurt her, so what I've done has made it even worse, which I fully understand and have taken full blame and responsibility for my actions). I've told her I let people know I'm taken now, I'm going to counseling for my issues with relationships, guys around my girl, my possessive and control issues, etc. All which I have made great progress in compared to a few years ago, but she thinks I haven't changed, that I will go back to my old ways, that I will just hurt her like everyone else, that we can't work out, yet she has told me she wants to get back together, and continues to talk to me which I don't understand why, if she never has intentions of getting back together.My main question is:How do I progress to the point of her believing me (she doesn't believe me at all), wanting and willing to get back (she makes very little effort in terms of showing she wants to get back), and how do I change her mind in terms of how she thinks about me? Because we worked out perfectly before all of this, it was wonderful, but now, I don't know what to do about it, I've tried many things, giving her proof of change, telling her that I have learned from my mistakes, but she still rejects it and says I'll just hurt her again, and again, and again.
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male
reader, Spectral +, writes (1 November 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, well I wasn't alone with that women, I went with a big group of co-workers to a bar and we were all dancing and such, which to me, is a lot different than spending time with someone of the opposite sex alone at their house, that I don't think I can trust because sooner or later, nature will kick in, whether she initiates or the other person does.
Yea, I'm in the process of not trying to get her back, I will still talk with her, see how she's doing and such, because she does have a history of self harm, so I'd want to try and prevent that from happening for her sake, but I can't prevent everything, especially if I only have typed out words to try and talk her out of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): ...I think it's time to give up. You're not going to get her to believe you again. She has her own issues to work through.
I agree with you that it's not all your fault... but if her spending time with a guy one on one is an "obvious" transgression to you; you should have some empathy for her classifying slow dancing with another woman as cheating, right?
Personally I don't think either are cheating, but I would hope I trust and my partner trusts me enough to be able to weather this without a nuclear meltdown. From this position, I don't think you can build that kind of trust. Maybe in the far future, but I think you're wasting your time right now expecting her to understand.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (1 November 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea, she said she isn't able to forgive me, which I understand, since every time she forgave someone in her past, that just allowed them to walk on her once again. It sucks that I do have to carry the negative weight that was left behind, despite me actually trying as opposed to the others in her past. But as you said, I can't do anything about that, which I understand, I just feel that if she can't forgive me, that it will stick with her for a long time after I'm gone, since if someone doesn't forgive someone else, I don't think they could ever say they've fully moved on, but hey, that's just my opinion on the situation, which applies to anyone.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 Hi,
the only way to make this relationship official is to have a calm, honest talk with her. When you feel it's the right moment, meet her if possible, and open yourself to her.
Start by saying that you are truly sorry for hurting her feelings. Tell her you've made mistakes in the past, and you were having your own issues, and should have talk to her, instead of handling the way you did. Tell her that now you are ready to be in a relationship with her, and ready to be committed to her only, and be faithful. Tell her that you want to forget the past, and start new with her. Final words, tell her this is how you feel, that you want to be with her.... In order to make this relationship work, she needs to forgive you, don't bring up the past anymore. Ask her, can you forgive me? Can you forget the past, and start new? Last question to her, let me know what you want? Let me know if you are ready?
Bottom line, it's not fair to both of you feeling sad everyday, agonizing each other everyday about what has happened. Feeling uncertain, not knowing what you both are for each other. It's exhausting, and it takes so much energy from each other. Instead dragging this day after day, it's better to lay everything out, your feelings, what you want, and what to expect from each other and move on. Figure out if you both want to give this relationship a new try, and put the energy in making each other happy.
Best wishes/good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): while I'm glad you've learned from your mistake and are sorry about it, I think there really isn't anything you can do at this point except let her think and feel however she will and not try to change the way she's thinking and feeling about you. it's a process she has to go through on her own. when people have been betrayed by their partner it turns their world upside down. You literally changed her world when you went out with the other girl, and not in a good way. Many people just never can recover from that and be the same towards their (ex) partner again, I'm sorry but that's the cold hard truth. Other people may be able to forgive and trust again, but this takes a long long time. Some take years. I know you want things to go back to the way they were before you betrayed her. I'm sure she too wants things to go back to the way they were too which is why she tells you she wants to get back together. But then reality hits her hard, which is that things are NOT the same because you betrayed her and her 'survival instincts' tell her she can't trust you because of that so then comes her negative reaction and pulling back. This will happen over and over again, it's not something she can control consciously only time will tell if her feelings change.there's nothing you can do to rush this process. All you can do is give her time and space while continuing to not betray her again, and leave it up to her to decide if she will ever be able to trust you again.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (1 November 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh no, I don't go numb to peoples feelings, every now and then, I just king of get uneasy and such, causing my emotions to be lesser than they usually are, gotten better since it started though.Well I was down because I had been at a job I really loved, and had to leave it after summer, and had to go to college, into a program I wasn't sure about, I switched to another, which has changed that mood since then. If I do choose to not communicate, what could I do to replace that? Since we did talk everyday using text and such, so I'd have to find a suitable replacement. Well to her, she did consider it cheating, I myself did not, not fully faithful yes, but not full out cheating. I tried explaining it to her, but her mind stands at what she believes, regardless if I thought the same way or not. I know, she does inform people she is taken, or she did when we were together. So she expected me to do the same, which as I said, isn't easy for me to do since I am naturally a private person when it comes to my relationship life.Oh no, I did in my past relationship, learned form that, and didn't put any, or very little restrictions on her, aside from the obvious, no hanging out with guys one on one at their house, stuff like that, which to me, is common sense.From what I feel, it has to do with guys in her past mixed with my actions, but no way all of it can stem from a few things I did, especially since they aren't very major.We're just talking seldom each day, no where near as much as usual, I'm resisting texting her, I'll let her come to me when she's ready, but that also brings up another issue. If I don't text her, or talk with her, she thinks I don't care about her at all, but when I do and such, it's apparently forcing myself onto her, it's not like I'm obsessively texting her or anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2011): So she has an anxiety disorder that makes her emotionally extreme and you tend to get very depressed and apathetic about other people's feelings? My advice is perhaps a bit unorthodox, but I think you should stop trying to get her back. Accept that you're broken up on her terms, don't communicate with her for a while, and give yourself a little time and space to figure out your own state of mind and why you're so depressed. I would tell her this before you unplug though...
Frankly, I don't think what you did was so far out or unforgivable and I don't think you need to grovel around trying to "prove yourself" because of it. It's not like you cheated. And I think her expectation that you go around telling every female you come across that you're taken is unreasonable and controlling on her part.
I think she might have a genuine right to be upset if you've imposed the same standards on her; you got upset when she speaks or flirts with other men or you forbid her to do it. If this were the case, then perhaps I could understand her reaction...but my advice would still be the same; stay single an work out your own issues.
My advice really comes from this observation after reading your post; she doesn't trust you. I'm not sure if that's because of what you did in the past or if she has her own esteem issues. But I doubt that two people who are going through such heavy stuff as you two can really help each other.
Sometimes relationships are great, and then sometimes we realize that the people we are trying to love aren't what we hoped they were. I think in those cases, it's just wiser to let go and not try to force it rather than to make futile attempts to recreate something that has run it's course.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Spectral +, writes (31 October 2011):
Spectral is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea, I don't blame her either, it's not like I hid anything from her, I've always told her everything, good or bad. But yea, I don't blame her for not believing me and what not.
Thank you, and I hope so.
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Keep showing her that you changed. In the end though it's only her that can change her mind. Nobody can force her to.
It's when your lover cheats on you. I don't blame her for not trusting you. Though I applaud that you realized your mistakes and taking great effort not to repeat them.
It may take time but she just might give you another chance.
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