A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've had an argument with my boyfriend. Basically, about 2 weeks ago, we got a bill through the post, addressed to him, but when opening, the second address was his exes house. She'd reinstalled Sky and not changed some details and after 3 months cancelled it. That 3 month bill came to my boyfriend. We were discussing how to approach it and hit a wall so put a pin it. Since Friday I've been at my parents house for a mini break. Last night my boyfriend texted me to say that when he was at the pub, upstairs in band practice. After it finished, he came downstairs and she was there with her family. Which is unusual because that's not her local pub even though her and her family live in the same town as us. He texted me that she was there, that he was filled with rage against her and his Dad because his Dad was acting like it was fine and she isn't usually there and that made him uncomfortable. When I asked to ring him to discuss it, he said in 15 as he's talking to his Dad. I got upset.I said I shouldn't have to wait 15 minutes as I feel this is an important conversation to have. At this point I didn't know he was drunk. He rang me, explained a bit, I asked if he knew why I was upset and he said because he spoke to his ex. I said no, I was upset because he told me at the end of the night, after it had all happened. So I wasn't privy to any of it beforehand and I didn't have input to whether or not he should just sort the bill with her there and then. He hung up on me and didn't answer for like half an hour. This played havoc with my anxiety. I kept messaging asking him not to ignore me. That I don't understand why he's hung up on me. And the last message I put was that im coming home, now. A few minutes after that he rang, and I answered. He got irate, I asked what was said, he said "well I asked her about sky, so imagine that convo and that's how it went" at this point he was angry and drunk at me. He said that I was accusing him of something and to just spit it out. In the back of my mind, yeah I was worried about him cheating but in that moment, that's not what I was thinking.I was thinking, why is it hard to tell me a conversation you had with somebody? And why, when he gets angry, does he have to be so vile. I know he wants to get help for his anger issues and covid has prevented that at the minute, but it chips away at me. The argument, even though we semi made up, left me that rattled, im still not able to sleep and my anxiety is through the roof. I regret talking to him now, when I feel I should have left it until tomorrow. But then I know I wouldn't have been able to sleep with half the information from him. So either way, I lose. He didn't start off angry straight away, he was meek and uncomfortable in trying to convey it to me. And when I expressed how I was upset he never involved me before doing anything, he hung up, then when we got back in contact, it was like anything I said was wrong or I was picking holes in what he was saying when actually I was asking questions for more detail. Getting the conversation he had with her, out of him, was like getting blood from a stone. He said that "your the one that has a problem with my ex, she lives in this town, her family do, there's nothing I can do about that" "picking at shit I say, you want to cause an argument" "im going to talk to people you don't like, and that's just me, you accept me or not" he went way generalised at random points, I think that was because of the drink. But what it's done to my anxiety is horrible. He didn't think of me. I don't think he's actually said sorry which is another reason why I can't sleep right now.Also, I was anxious in this relationship because of past baggage. He also has past baggage, and this ex cheated on him twice. He's told me he'll never got there and I believe him. However, that doesn't mean im okay with him chatting away to her, without filling me in on the plan first and then letting me know after the fact, but he was worried about how to tell me, so I ended up having to pull the information form him like blood from a stone. I am not suspicious about him or his ex, the way he argued with me was more about he was upset that I didn't just trust him. And my argument was, I do trust him, I just didn't appreciate being the last to know and to find out you were thinking of how to tell me.
View related questions:
drunk, his ex, my ex, text, unloved Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): Walk away now .. I don't normally say this but there are red flags that you have brought up .. temper that needs managed .. insulting ..condescending..attitude.. drink issue .. and then you have issues.. this man is just going to fuel your anxiety daily or weekly .. honestly he's not the only guy in the world ..
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 August 2020):
 You say that you are not suspicious- but it does not sound true. In fact , you sound exteremely suspicious, and jealous, and controlling. Otherwise there's no other rational explanation for your antics and for your wanting to micromanage everything, including what's none of your business, and for making ridicolous mountains of molehills.
Your bf is an adult, he is able to settle the question of the unpaid bill without your assistance and intervention. In his own way and time , which it hasn't necessarily to be what you would dictate. Leave him alone. Let him deal with it . It's not rocket science; he does not need an assistant to sort it out.
He also does not need , and should not be obliged to, rehearse with you his convos with anybody, including his ex. Jeez, does he need your permission to be normally polite with people he knows ?... It's not like he invited her to the pub secretly behind your back, he found her there with all her family !, and took the chance to talk about the unpaid bill- what's more normal than that, and what's there to discuss about with you ?!
And why can't you wait 15 minutes to talk to him, once he told you right then he is having a conversation with his father ? Don't you realize how bossy and entitled you sound ?..
You will blame things on your " anxiety " , but first, being anxious is not the same as being jealous or controlling, second , the whole world does not revolve around your anxiety and is not obliged to pander to it. If you are too anxious for having normal ,healthy relationships with people, then unluckily that's your problem, not theirs, you are the one who has to work on it and find solutions.
I agree with you , though , on the idea that even if he gets annoyed, he should not become "vile ", he should not let his anger take control, he should still be able to fight fair... You say that he has anger issues and he knows that, and what prevented him from working on those was the covid situation, but hopefully that will change soon and he can work seriously at solving this problem.
Another thing that he could work on is... drinking less ?
I realize, in part, that this a cultural thing, because of which in your country getting publicly ( and regularly ) drunk is no big deal and socially acceptable, and not the totally chavvy faux-pas which would be in mine ,for instance, and yet... your bf is a mean drunk, one that gets nasty and verbally aggressive when drunk. ( As opposed to, say, a merry drunk who wants to sing, dance and hug lots of people ...)So, can't he decrease a bit his alcohool intake ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 August 2020):
 I suspect the main problem here is your anxiety. You are over-thinking and over-demanding, and guess what? Your boyfriend is finding it hard to handle, especially when he's had a drink and already had a confrontation with his ex.
If I read your post correctly, he has told you he will never get over his ex? What are you even doing in a relationship with him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): Typo corrections:
"Then what's the point of blaming them, when you knew it was useless trying to have a reasonable-discussion under unreasonable conditions?"
"She probably brought family along, expecting he'd be there; and anticipating he would address the bill issue."
P.S.
She probably tagged his phone GPS to find him. He should turn it off! She was hoping to find him intoxicated, start an altercation, and either get him beat-up; or have the police pulled into the situation, and play the victim. It would have been a spectacle. Luckily, his dad was there!
You both better keep cool-heads and play-it smart. This woman sounds like big trouble!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): Have you been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, or do you just get overly-anxious when you deal with stressful-issues or challenging situations? Commonly-known as life!
People often resort to using "anxiety" as an excuse for being impatient, immature, or unreasonable! Those with a legitimate diagnosis of anxiety disorder should be seeking regular therapy and treatment; and their doctor will usually prescribe medication in severe cases. If this isn't the case here; then this is mainly drama.
First-off, your boyfriend didn't owe you any explanations or a report; because apparently, he didn't expect his ex (and her family) to show-up. He was uncomfortable and likely caught off-guard. Her family came probably with the intention of ganging-up on him, or planning to make a scene. He was in the middle of a conversation with his father. Therefore, any other calls or conversations otherwise; would simply have to wait, out of courtesy and respect to his father. His father was present, and your call was merely any interruption that had no particular purpose; but to let him know you're upset that his ex was there.
Helloooo...obviously, so was he!!!
He was facing this dilemma with an ex; while trying to get his drink on! He already had your relationship-issues he was dealing with. Obviously, not very well!
He has enough experience with you, and this entire situation, to know your feelings about her; and any kind of interactions that they would have. How much hanky panky could you expect with his dad and her family there? Hanging-up is very rude. Think about it. When you're dealing with two crazy-situations at the same-time. One occurring in-person; and meanwhile, you get a call that's going to lead to an argument. What should you do? You jumped right into a new-relationship with a guy just getting over one that recently failed. You're over 25, and not a child. What did you expect, girlfriend? Nothing but drama!
Making the excuse that you were merely trying to get the details could have waited until he was sober. You used your "anxiety" as your reason for persistence and picking at the scab; when that's a lame excuse for exacerbating an already volatile situation. His ex owes him payment for a bill; they show up when he's there having drinks, and his dad and her family are all there making the situation totally weird!!!
That bill is between him and his ex. It has nothing to do with you, like it or not. If things like this truly upset you, it seems logical you'd leave it up to him to deal with it. Considering the bill is in his name, along with his ex; then you have no responsibility to pay it. I might also remind you, that sometimes getting released from a service-contract requires a hefty fee. He should have kept an eye on things; and not trusted his ex to handle it. That's now water under the bridge. They've got to resolve this issue. He can pay it, and take her to small claims court to get reimbursed. Issue resolved!
Never let your anxiety overrule your commonsense. Seek a mature-approach to handling problems. Remain calm and attempt to diffuse turbulent situations. You're not a child! Always claiming anxiety as a reason to lose control and get upset isn't always going to fly when dealing with other grown-ups. Especially, family and people close to you; who know you...and your ways! He told you exactly what you were upset about. You even admitted he was right! It bothered you that his ex was there! Neither of you handled it well; but he was drunk. You weren't!
You know you can't reason with an angry-drunk; you'll only make them angrier!!! Then what's the point of blaming them, when you knew is was useless trying to have a reasonable-discussion under unreasonable conditions? You kept calling back, while he was already deeply engaged in a messy situation! Think about it, sweetheart! You got stressed about it, but he was the one smack-dab in the middle of it!
If any problem is really so bad you lose sleep and become really anxious; it's important to withdraw or avoid contentious situations that will unduly aggravate or stress you to the degree you're on the brink of an anxiety-attack. You have to pull-out of the situation to give yourself the opportunity to regain composure and to lower your stress-level. He's being challenged by his ex. She probably brought family along, expecting he'd there; and anticipating he would address the bill issue. Hoping he'd lose-it; and get into trouble, only to add insult to injury. How nasty and vicious! I don't blame you for not liking her!
I think you should put the drama queen to bed; and wake-up the reasonable-woman, who's ready to deal with things on an adult-level! It is highly unlikely he will want his two-time cheating-ex back! The issue between them is the bill! That's all! She created it to cause you both to fight about it! Success!
He owes you an apology for hanging-up and leaving you hanging; while drunk and irritated. You need to get-over your jealousy and insecurity. Don't just say you trust him. Actions speak louder than words! You don't trust him.
She's attempting to cause friction in your relationship by stirring-up trouble. Don't give her the satisfaction, girlfriend! Right-now, he's YOUR man! Don't encourage her by letting her know she can come and put a wedge between you and your boyfriend; by dropping stupid-crap all over your relationship! Learn how to deal with things like an adult, not a spoiled-child.
Control your anxiety and insecurity, don't let them control you! Otherwise, make an appointment with your therapist. If your anxiety is self-diagnosed; then it's time to grow-up! Dump the boyfriend, if this drama doesn't correct itself!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 August 2020):
 OK, OP
You need to chill.
You CAN NOT control who he runs into and who he talks to! You are not his parent. And he isn't 5!
I get that you don't want him to spend time with an ex. Understanble, she is an ex for a reason. He can't HELP if she shows up at the same pub!
You already know that this didn't have to become the drama it did, YOU escalated it. By taking offense to things YOU felt he should have done differently.
He is not you.
Bring in the anxiety is unfair. Dragging up the past behavior of YOUR EXES or his, is not fair. YOU don't "fight" fair. And you DID start drama over things that are well, to be fair ABSOLUTELY unimportant! You anxiety is YOUR issue that YOU need to work on. If he brings you more anxiety than you can handle... maybe this isn't the right relationship or the right time to be dating. MAYBE you need to sort out how to DEAL with the anxiety first. It's absolutely unfair of you to think that your partner has to walk on eggshells because YOUR anxiety might flair up if he makes a "wrong" move. As he won't ALWAYS know what the "right" or "wrong" move it.
1. you do not open his mail. If he opened it and just showed it to you, that is another story. But... HIS ex having used his account number or name on it... IS HIS problem, nothing for you to sort out. HE has to put on his big boy shorts and call her and tell her to PAY for those 3 months. NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING.
2. He doesn't have to "make plans and get your approval" before talking to someone, even his ex. Neither would you, if the shoe was on the other foot.
3. HE was being social and polite when at the pub. You know that is what people do.
You say you KNOW you should have waited until the next day to talked about it, YES. Learn to listen to your OWN self. Having a fight over the phone over things that are out of BOTH your control is POINTLESS. And it only makes things worse.
You talk about him being in anger-management but not at the moment because of Covid, and when he MEEKLY (as you put it) calls you to let you know what's up - YOU kick the hornet's nest and get upset when HE gets upset.
1. pick your battles.
2. understand and accept that there will be things you CAN NOT control. And should not control. Like your BF. Or where his ex CHOOSES to go for a pint.
3. Get some help with the anxiety. Like he is working on his issues... you should work on yours.
4. BE honest, with him AND yourself. You say - I do trust him.... but you don't. You might trust him to not cheat but you don't trust him to handle it in a "right" way.
5. LEARN to communicate better (both of you).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2020): Girl when I read this I thought you were thirteen.Time to dump this angry man.If you stay his anger will only get worse and next he will be hitting you.Are you ok with that?The reason you seem so young is how you come across.The things you have done....like harassing him in the pub...like you must talk right away even though he is busy...You could have waited till the next day.When you smother a man like that it drives them away.But this is not a guy to keep...You cannot change who he is and he just has to much anger inside him and I promise if you stay with him eventually the anger will turn unto you.Of this I am positive.No matter what you do not deserve to be yelled at but to be treated with respect.Aim higher...You know you can do so much better.I have been married over forty years...my husband never ever yelled at me or mistreated me ever.You deserve that kind of happy life...it will not be that with him.
...............................
|
