A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Lately it just feels like I'm a reject. Nobody wants me. I'm not too bad looking either. I have light brown/ blonde-ish shoulder length hair and I'm sort of skinny. It feels like I'm just completely undesirable and worthless. Why has every guy that I've crush hard on rejected me even when they show signs of liking me back? (Note: none of the names I use are real)Okay. In kindergarten this kid, Matt, kissed me. This started a little puppy- love relationship. We were literally inseparable. We had it going strong and then it just stopped with zero explanation. Whatever. That little relationship doesn't really matter. But first rejection.In fifth grade, I asked out this guy named James on the second to last day of school and I got no response. He just walked away from me and avoided me the entire last day of school. He showed signs that he liked me, too... He would make a lot of small talk with me and attempt to flirt (at least what a fifth grader thinks flirting is). Eventually I gave up and moved on. Rejected twice.In sixth grade I started liking yet another kid, Evan.He's the shy type of guy. Like really shy. He was in all of my classes and we sat next to each other in a few. He would talk to me a lot, help me with schoolwork, find time for me, etc. I was sure that he liked me back. So in seventh grade, I gave him my number and my iMessage username just to find out that he didn't have a cellphone or iPod. I guess he picked up on the fact that I liked him from his friends or something. In eighth grade, my school had a welcome back barbecue. He went with a few friends and I did too. My friends kept trying to push me into Evan's game of football with his friends. Eventually all his friends left (except 2) and so my friends and I played kickball with them to be nice. I can tell you that that was the day I fell in love with him. It just.... clicked. Later that year, there was a school dance coming up. I just felt so in love with him and I swear that it seemed like he was in love with me so I asked him to the dance because he's way too shy to confront me anymore. But what did he do? He ran away. Yes, he RAN. He ran away from me, down the hallway and into the boys' bathroom. That was the worst possible place he could go at that time. I actually considered falling on the ground and crying so that maybe he would pity me and say yes. But no. Unexpectedly he ran out of the bathroom and out the door and to his house. I apologized the next day so that I could reassure myself that I didn't ruin everything and so it would seem that I was unaffected. But it hurt. Really bad. Third rejection.I couldn't think about anything. I felt so alone. Just knowing the fact that almost every single one of my best friends had boyfriends made me feel like such a third wheel. So I told one of my best friends, Katie, how lonely I felt and she tried hooking me up with her Southern cousin. I was literally love at first sight. I don't know. It feels like no one understands how I felt when I saw him. Plus, his personality is amazing and we have so much in common. I really only saw him for three days and that short time span didn't do much for me. Katie, being his cousin, casually asked him what he thought of me. He said he liked me and that I had a wonderful personality, but he only likes me as a friend. Great. Four rejections.So why do you think I'm getting rejected so much? Why do I love people that don't love me back? I'm starting to have doubts if I will EVER have a guy ask me out, as I'm going to an all-girls private school next year. This year was supposed to be my year. I guess not. Thanks everyone for reading this super long story and thanks in advance for all the helpful comments.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (13 January 2014):
Simple...you are causing your own rejection. When someone becomes so needy to have a relationship, it scares away the other sex (male or female). A relationship is suppose to happen naturally, not because you want one. That would not be love, that would be called control.
We do not always get what we want, when we want it. It called life. You have not been rejected by even man on Earth, so you have not been rejected too many times. You have been rejected by the people you want to control. Just relax and let love come to you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2014):
 OK, because of your age, I will try and go gentle with you. And it will be a tad long.
1. YOU are WAY to over-dramatic - which I guess is kind of normal for a teenager. But it's disproportionate to the actual facts.
2. YOU are WAY to DESPERATE for love. Which again is not that strange for someone your age. You fall in LOVE according to your post at the drop of a hat, honey... take it from someone who has HAD love, BEEN in love several times - it doesn't HAPPEN like that. Life is not a toothpaste commercial, OK?
3. JUST because you FEEL a strong attachment/crush for a boy doesn't mean he WILL or HAS to feel the same way.
4. These are not really rejections. TRUST me, you might get some of those later in life and THOSE are a LOT different. The "events" you describe is YOU not reading the situation correctly, because of #2 (too desperate).
5. BE GLAD you didn't throw yourself on the floor and cry after "evan" ran off. That would have TAGGED you as a desperate drama queen and those BOY DO avoid.
Evan's reaction was over the top (the running off) and yea, that would have baffled me too, but again kiddo... WHAT you felt was a CRUSH and he DIDN'T feel the same way. So instead of telling - look I don't like you that way, he bolted. Sounds like he is kind of.. immature. He was in a really dumbass way trying to not hurt your feelings.
6. What you are in love with... is the IDEA of this GRANDIOSE LOVE. Where fireworks go off and rose petals falls gently in the breeze ALL because you found love! Where someone "completes" you. Again, the IDEA is lovely, but it's ALSO a LOT of expectations to put on another person. YOU need to COMPLETE yourself. A BF/Lover/Fiance/husband can't do that for you, what HE can do is be your Yin to his Yang - to be complementary to you. He will bring the BEST out of you and you will bring the best out of him.
Your friend's cousin who you feel in "love" with instantly.. Well, he was smart enough to understand that you were a great girl but he ISN'T willing to date you when he BARELY knows you. SMART boy, you should LEARN from him.
YOU need to chill. You need to BACK off the whole I NEED A BOYFRIEND!! or you will end up with those boys who doesn't like you really, but will USE you. Who treats you like crap because YOU are so desperate for "love" that you will allow it.
At the rate you are going, it will not be healthy love. It will you bending over backwards to PLEASE a guy because he conceded to DATING you.
Step back from the big picture here.
ENJOY getting to know people. If you ALWAYS get to know boys with the ULTERIOR motive of INSTANT LOVE and RELATIONSHIP you are pushing boys away. Don't get to know a boy because YOU want him to LOVE you, get to know a boy because he seems like a good guy, and let him get to know you. Love can blossom from that, but not when you FORCE-FEED it down a guy's throat.
Just learn to BE OK with who you are. YOU "think" you NEED a BF in order to be like all your friends. But in reality you need to be you. Not Susan or Karen or Kira or whatever their names are.
Chill honey, it will happen. Just stop being so DESPERATE for it to happen RIGHT NOW!.
I hope I didn't upset you, the idea was to make you STOP and think.
YOU got a whole life ahead of you. A whole lot of loving.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Ok you are a teenager and all, yet I can't believe you would count as romantic failures your love stories in kindergarten and elementary school ?! Come on. I got proposed when I was in second or third grade, he told me that when we grew up he was going to marry me- obviously it did not happen , should I sue him for breach of promise ? ( maybe I should. I have heard he's become a very wealthy guy ).
Ditto for the middle school crush. Your friend's reaction is very typical of a boy his age, when they have a mixed fascination/ repulsion for girls and no idea whatosever of how to handle a romantic interest.
The only one which we COULD consider as rejection ( although, as Chigirl says, it's really not ) would be the Southern boy. Who acted normally and predictably, maybe 3 days were enough for YOU to fall crazily in love , but for him they weren't. He appreciated your companionship and your personality, maybe if you had lived closer it could have developped into a nice friendship or into something more, - but as it is you blame him , poor guy, because he was not just flabbergasted and smitten. He did not reject you as a person, he rejected you as a love interest or romantic partner - which , 1 ) would be your first and only " rejection " so far 2 ) it's not really a rejection, just the sign that he did not want a romantic relationship with you, which, at your and his age, after 3 days of hanging out, and with the distance, makes perfect sense and is hardly surprising.
As a matter of fact, I think he's been a real little Southern gentleman. Since guys his age are generally little hormon -laden horn dogs, who would hump anything that moves, he has not exploited your visible soft spot for him to ask you for intercourse or other intimate contacts, which less nice guys could and would have done even if they did not like you at all.
So, what are you doing wrong for not getting the male attention you want ?
A ) Probably nothing particular , you are only 16 -17 , not everybody are in relationships at your age even if it SEEMS so to you just because your close friends are.
B )But even more probably, you are too attention and affection starved and this gives off faint but detectable hints of desperation. You fall in love too soon, too often and too indisciminately- out of loneliness , insecurity and self esteem issues. You don't fall for a specific guy, or even a specific type of guy, you just fall for anybody who shows you any attention of any nature and has an even remote possibility of becoming a partner.
That's a problem that plagues even much older girls than you, they crave " a relationship ", not THAT particular guy, they want to be with him not because it's him but because they are lonely and feel inferior or incomplete without somebody, who could be just anybody as long as he's game. Men, who aren't those dumb thick unperceptive creatures we want to think them of, feel this keenly and they resent this or are turned off. Nobody wants to be with a woman just to make her feel better about herself .
So what do you do ? You RELAX, and wait, and have fun while you wait, losing that hungry puppy look in your eyes that men can detect from miles afar. You work on your personality that lucky for you has already been called wonderful, you just make it more independent . You learn to have a full and rewarding life with or without a partner, you cultivate your interests and passions and become a strong, interesting , well rounded person who's got something to OFFER to a guy and who can say, verbally and not verbally, more than just " Please love me love me love me , please please please ".
It's not instant, it may take some time, and it's for this reason that your having to go to an all girl school is a blessing in disguise . I think you need to cool off for a while , and stop making the snatching of a boy a mission. Your mission for this year may be to find out what makes you tick and what keeps you interested and motivated , and what makes you happy OTHER than a male look of approval. Once you've found it, or sort of found it, I can promise you that your love troubles, if not forever over, will be greatly greatly decreased.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 That's terrible. I can't imagine anything worse than something literally fleeing from you when you ask them out. And I can't imagine what the problem is. I'm sorry, I just don't understand it. The only thing that I can think of is are the guys you're going for super hot and popular? It doesn't sound like it from what you've said, but I've seen that a few times here... girls having a crush on the super popular hot guy at school and wondering why he isn't interested. But I'm guessing that's not it.I wish I had some insight I could share. The only thing I can suggest is talk to your friends and ask them to be honest and blunt, if you're doing something that puts guys off.I think I know how you feel. I've never had a girlfriend. I'm always the friend, or get told "I don't feel a spark." I've resigned myself to the fact that women just don't see me in that way and that's that. It's very confusing when I see other men, real shitbags in some cases getting women. It feels very unfair, and I've often wonered if I'm somehow being punished for something.Again I wish I could say something helpful. It might make you feel a little better if you just relaxed about guys for a while and just concentrated on your studies and having fun. Going to a girl's school might actually be a good thing.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 You add too much meaning into things. Being rejected is not the sane as a guy not being interested. Some of these guys would hace been your friend. So, they did not reject YOU. They just didnt want a relationship with you. And you cant get offended and hurt each time someone doesnt feel the same way about you as you feel about them. Seeing that this becomes so important to you, and hurts you so deeply, I encourage you to talk to a therapist or school nurse and be very honest about how this makes you feel. Tell them what youve told us.
Your reaction to these rejections, as you call them, is unhealthy and out of proportion. Talk to someone about it.
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