A
male
age
51-59,
*oratio
writes:Hello everyoneI am newly married to my wife well about a year.I recently made a mistake and left my job to invest into a business.It didn't work out so here I am unemployed looking for a job.My wife already was complaining about me i.e. I don't have a fashion sense,I don't get my hair cut properly,I am a bit overweight,I can never say or do anything to impress her,etc.Now she believes I financially do not offer her any hope for the future.I try to explain to her that it was a mistake and I am trying my best to get back on track and to develop myself in all areas that she thinks I am weak but it isn't working.She has shunned me out.She is very cheerful in the company of friends and family but she acts towards me if I were her enemy.I try my best to regain her respect and love but to no avail.She thinks I am a total loser.I love her and want both her and myself to be happy.What else could I do to fix things.I would really appreciate some advice please.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I'm sorry to hear this. I can see both sides of the issue. On the one hand I have a good guy friend whose wife treats him the way yours treats you and I feel so sorry for him because I'm friends with the guy (more so than the wife) so I take his side. And yet in my own marriage of 10 years which is falling apart, a big reason it's falling apart is because I have lost respect for my husband and even though I have never cut him down or been intentionally mean to him (because I don't believe in being cruel and I am trying to save my marriage) still I cannot get over my sense of profound disappointment and disgust even though I'm in therapy to try and eradicate my negative feelings towards him.First for the issue with my friend and his wife. From what I see, the wife takes total advantage of him. When they were still dating she was mean to him, even though he did everything he could to placate her. She quit her job expecting him to support her, and he did. She demanded they get married because it was her goal in life. So he did. Then she wanted kids, so they now have kids. She still doens't work outside the house so he's the sole breadwinner and also helps with the housework yet when he gets home from work all he hears are criticisms and complaints. No wonder now he is spending more and mroe time at work or trying to go on more and more busienss trips to avoid being at home. Resentment is building up. There is only so much one can tolerate. You may soon reach this point if your wife continues to treat you like this and not appreciate all your hard work. This will lead to a break down in the relationship. If your wife is the kind for whom nothing you do is ever going to be good enoughf for her - because she has already made up her mind about you, or because she is entitlted - then I don't think there is anything you can realistically do to gain her respect other than completely changing who you are as a person. Which is not healthy.Now for me. I force myself to try to see my husband's good qualities because he has many. Yet there are so many other areas where I feel so let down and disappointed over and over again. Also his self esteem has taken a real hit because in the past he had many self destructive habits and they finally got the better of him and broke him down. I feel a loss of respect for him seeing how he has handled his life. I always try very hard not to let my sense of disappointment show because I know how hurtful it is and I don't want to hurt his self esteem even more. But it's very difficult being married to someone you don't respect. We're in marriage counseling now, and the counselor also said that he has such low self esteem that it's very unattractive to any woman and is driving a wedge in our marriage. I'm also in individual therapy to try and get rid of my feelings of disappointment in my husband, but it's not working. I am trying though. I think if I can't regain any sense of respect for him we will have to divorce because I know it's very harmful to him and me to be living in a marriage where I don't respect him. I can't keep pretending forever, just to save his feelings. One thing you could do is examine your body language, how you behave around her and interact with her. Women find low self esteem in men a big turn off.
A
female
reader, dont understand men  +, writes (26 December 2010):
Think it this way: If she were always understanding and appreciative you would not try that hard. I am not together with my husband, but if we were I would have criticized him so that he would have more motivation to do things . That way our life would have been much better . You do not want a woman who claps you for whatever you do otherwise it would be hard for you to get motivated and you would find a new woman as soon as you feel like you have totally pleased her . She is good for you . Keep her . This is the natural way.
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A
female
reader, lonely-paralegal +, writes (26 December 2010):
As a women I can tell you that she is not only shallow but out right disrespectful. A man who attempts his all to make a better life for him and his wife is not a failure. If you didn't try then you would never know if you could have succeeded or not. I can not stand women who have a man like you and don't cherish it.
My problem is I am always in the "male" end of the relationship. I have done what you did too, and my husband sits on her a..... and collects my checks.
You did a good job and it failed, so what. If she really loved you it wouldn't matter what kind of job you have. I do love my husband so I didn't care about paying all the bills as long as he did his share around the house. Then when he began to disrespect me and feel less of a man because he had to ask me for money, the fighting began... It is a man thing I guess. The bottom line is does it matter who makes more money? I don't think so, what matters is you both put 50% into the relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): You have never failed until you quit trying.
Brother... if you can work it out with her that is good. If you can't I think you will be better off without her.
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A
male
reader, mack79  +, writes (26 December 2010):
You're not a loser, you tried something and it was unsucessful. I applaud you on that, it takes guts to leave the comfort of a job to start your own business. Your wife should understand that you are a "go getter" and people like you that want to eventually have financial freedom to spend more time with the family and do things for them.
If she really loves you then she would support you, she would be willing to get her hands dirty to see you successful. You're lucky that you are only one year into the marriage. Right now this is what you should be asking yourself "can I see myself putting up with this for yr after yr and possibly have kids with her?" Once you have time in and kids then its really harder to leave. You guys should do counselling then if that doesnt work, try a trial separation. Best of luck my friend :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 December 2010):
I have no time for people like your wife. I admire you for even bothering with her to be honest. If you weren't trying and you were sitting around all the time, then I'd say you were in the wrong. But being self-employed myself because my own company went broke, I know that this is the moment where you need support the most. And she's not doing it.
You have to ask yourself why she's really with you. To me, all she seems to care about is money and her own materialistic goods. She doesn't seem to offer anything else at all.
If you want to work this out, I think you need to sit down with her again, reassure her that you're looking for work, acknowledge that you made a mistake and tell her you are looking for her emotional support. If she loves you, and you're trying hard, then she'll understand. If she doesn't, then you know you're with a gold digger who doesn't care and the best thing you can do is to divorce her and move on.
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